Zeke was exhausted.
His mech smelled like scorched marinara. His Pesto Robes were now just glorified basil-scented pajamas. And his only remaining weapon?
A slightly stale breadstick.
"Bitty," he panted, ducking behind a ruined rigatoni turret, "please tell me there's a 'wave the white flag' button."
"There is. But it's also the button for the mech's Yeastcore Overdrive Mode."
"Why?!"
"Budget coding."
...
Across the battlefield, the Salad Federation advanced, shimmering in their green, leafy war armor. Lettuce tanks rolled forward. Rocket kale drones swarmed. And the Crouton General, a towering figure of cubed fury, strode out with a weapon made from weaponized ranch dressing.
Zeke stood alone.
No armies.
No backup.
Only… a breadstick.
...
"I don't want to do this," Zeke shouted. "I'm not your enemy! I just want to delete my email and go home!"
The Salad troops paused.
The General raised a brow (he may or may not have had eyebrows—salad anatomy is vague).
Zeke, desperate, dropped his breadstick on the ground and raised his hands.
"This is my surrender. Take me to your… salad bar."
...
Silence.
Then… a distant CRUNCH.
The breadstick, having rolled down a slope, landed directly in the mouth of the Crouton General.
He froze.
Eyes wide.
He… chewed.
One bite. Two.
Then…
Tears.
"By the Thousand Leaves…" he whispered. "This… this is the Golden Crust. The Breadstick of Prophecy!"
Zeke blinked. "What."
...
The Salad troops fell to their knees.
A hologram of the ancient Salad Sage appeared in the sky, reciting the sacred line:
"And lo, one shall come from the Starch Lands, bearing the Staff of Crumb… and he shall unite Leaf and Noodle."
Zeke slowly turned toward Bitty.
"You knew."
Bitty: "Honestly? 43% chance this would happen. The rest were cheese-related death scenarios."
...
The war ended in a buffet.
Peace treaties were signed on spinach wraps.
Zeke was offered joint rulership over the Salad Empire and Pasta Kingdom.
He declined, instead accepting the title of Ambassador of Carbs and a loyalty card with unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.
...
Later that evening, Tess messaged him.
Tess: "You okay?"
Zeke: "Won a war with a breadstick."
Tess: "So… normal day?"
Zeke: "Yeah. I'm gonna go lie in a tub of ravioli and scream."