There are moments in life when you wonder how everything went so wrong.
For Zeke, that moment came while piloting a 30-foot-tall spatula mech made of boiled titanium and yelling battle cries in faux-Italian.
"FOR THE SAUCE!"
The Grater Beast, a towering monstrosity of sharp cheese shavings and gorgonzola gore, roared back across the ravioli flats.
...
"Bitty, give me power to the flipping arm!"
"Zeke, this is literally the most absurd fight in recorded physics."
The mech lunged, spatula-arm swinging wide, smacking into the Grater Beast's moldy shank with a mighty SCHLAP!
The monster staggered.
Crowds of pasta-people cheered from the Garlic Bread Colosseum.
Monks threw sacred parmesan into the air like confetti.
...
Tess's voice buzzed in through the interdimensional radio.
"I am begging you to explain how this happened."
Zeke grunted as the mech dodged a flying wheel of provolone. "I just wanted to get rid of a stupid fork. Now I'm fighting a cheese kaiju in a spatula gundam while being worshipped by gluten."
"…So Tuesday, basically."
...
The Grater Beast reared back, its belly opening to unleash a torrent of molten cheddar.
"Shield up! Shield up!!" Zeke screamed.
Bitty yelled, "Deploying the Colander Defense Grid!"
Metallic strain. Sizzling sounds. A geyser of cheese deflected by a divine kitchen strainer.
And then… opportunity.
"Open Sauce Core," Zeke whispered.
The mech's chest parted. A glowing orb of concentrated marinara pulsed at the center.
He rammed the spatula through it and shouted the forbidden command:
"PASTA ULTIMO: BOIL OVERDRIVE!"
...
The explosion was glorious.
Cheese, sauce, and flavor magic exploded across the dimension.
The Grater Beast let out a final, bubbling groan and crumbled into bleu-cheese dust.
Silence.
Then… a soft chime.
"Achievement unlocked: Dairy Demolisher."
The Alfredo Monks approached with sacred pesto robes.
"You have fulfilled the prophecy," they whispered reverently. "You are now… King Zeketti, Lord of Pasta."
Zeke facepalmed. "I wanted to delete my old social media accounts. That's all. I wanted to nap."
"You now rule ten sauce moons and a lasagna ring."
"I don't even LIKE pasta that much!"
...
Later, at the royal pasta palace, Greg floated into the throne room with a meatball crown.
"Father… I've made linguine-shaped body pillows with your face. They're selling really well."
Zeke screamed into a breadstick.