So there I was—legs wobbling, soul leaving my body, and dignity? Long gone. Whatever remnants I had of strength got left behind somewhere on Mt. Hulao. Probably sitting there sipping tea with the Mountain Shaper, gossiping about how much of a loser I looked like trying to survive that vertical death trap.
We finally got down from that rocky hell and I was practically crawling. Lumine looked at me, her eyes shining with concern. Adorable, really. Made my heart skip—wait no, that might've been a cramp. "Shigeru," she asked softly, "what really happened back there?"
I dramatically exhaled, placing a hand on my chest like some Shakespearean actor. "I… speedran an entire training arc… with nothing but the power of plot armor."
She blinked. "What?"
I sighed again, leaning against a tree like I was about to pass away. "I saw the anime gods, Lumine. One of them was Goku. He gave me a thumbs up."
Before she could respond with either sympathy or more likely a facepalm, Paimon hovered over us, ever the voice of chaos. "Sooo, where are we heading next? Don't say another mountain. Please don't say another mountain. Paimon have had enough."
I looked up dramatically. "A depressed Anemo midget with anger issues."
Paimon blinked. "What?"
I grinned. "Wangshu Inn. Let's go."
—
And so we went. Honestly, I was just glad there were stairs. Stairs are underrated, man. You don't appreciate them until you've had to cling to cliffs with your last breath.
As we approached the iconic inn, standing tall with all the elegance of a fancy treehouse, I could feel the emo energy. We strolled up to the balcony, where the breeze gently rustled through our hair. I leaned toward Lumine and Paimon, whispering, "Wait for it. Just… wait. That midget's gonna show up right there." I pointed with the confidence of someone who totally didn't just read the wiki page last night.
Lumine raised a brow. "You sure?"
I grinned. "Oh yeah. He's edgy, dramatic, and cool as hell. Girls love that combo."
She rolled her eyes, but I swear her cheeks pinked a little. HAH. Got her.
Then, like clockwork, a voice suddenly echoed behind us, making Paimon yelp and me nearly fall over the balcony: "To the blind, everything may not be as it appears."
I spun around like I just heard the opening notes of a boss battle theme. There he was. The Xiao. The Anemo King of Brooding. And damn, he looked cool. The wind even whooshed dramatically when he appeared. I don't know how he does that.
"Waddup, man," I said like we were homies or something. "We came to see you."
He tilted his head, which I think was his version of a nod. I nudged Lumine. "Cool, huh? Your type?"
She turned so red I thought her Pyro element had awakened early before we even got to Natlan and smacked me right on the back of the head. "Idiot!"
I chuckled, rubbing the back of my head. "Heh… worth it."
Before I could do something dumb like ask Xiao if he wanted to join our party just because I thought he was neat, Lumine took the lead and explained our reason for being here. She was good at that. Explaining things. Being reasonable. Being normal. Unlike me, who could barely function after fighting mystical rocks and seeing imaginary Goku.
Xiao narrowed his eyes. "You came with a Sigil of Permission, huh? You came prepared. But it only stops me from hurting you. Doesn't mean you won't get hurt by other things."
I raised my hand like a student in pain. "Yeah, I've been hurt. Badly. Like, just now. My legs are still shaking. Not emotionally though. Well… maybe a little emotionally."
He stared.
I stared back.
He vanished into thin air.
"…Wow."
Paimon floated next to me, arms crossed. "That was kinda scary…"
Lumine just exhaled like she had to deal with toddlers. Which, to be fair, she kind of does.
"Man," I said, stretching my sore limbs, "that midget really is cool. We gotta find him again. He's like a rare Pokémon but with depression and a polearm."
"Please never say that again," Paimon begged.
But I was already walking toward the edge of the balcony, fists on hips like some kind of hero. "Next stop: hunt down the moody midget. We're making progress, team!"
Paimon groaned. "Why are you like this?"
I flashed a thumbs-up. "Plot armor, baby."
Okay. Moment of honesty here. I may not have many brain cells, but the ones I do have? Genius-level. At least, when it comes to one thing—plot armor-fueled anime logic.
So, after our brief and edgy encounter with the certified Anemo edgelord Xiao, I clapped my hands together with a grin that could only mean one thing. Pure, concentrated Shigeru nonsense was about to happen.
"Alright! Pop quiz time!" I turned to Lumine and Paimon with the excitement of a five-year-old who just ate a whole bag of sugar. "How do you make an Adepti with the emotional range of a potato and the patience of a gacha player with bad luck come out of hiding?"
They blinked at me.
Lumine tapped her chin. "Uhh… meditate until he appears?"
Paimon pointed a finger to the sky. "Maybe… summon him with the Sigil again?"
I grinned wider, shaking my head dramatically. "Enngkk! Wrong answer! The correct answer is… THIS!"
I whipped out my phone. Yes, my phone again. No, I don't know how I still have a signal in Teyvat. Plot armor, remember?
I opened the Genshin Impact app -I swear I didn't take a quick peek at my Nilou folder!- and scrolled to my inventory with intense, dramatic flair, like I was accessing forbidden secrets. And there it was. Glorious. Gleaming.
"Behold! TOFU!"
Paimon floated closer, squinting. "...What?"
Lumine raised an eyebrow. "Tofu?"
"Not just any tofu," I whispered like I was holding the Philosopher's Stone. "Almond. Tofu. A way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and our boy Xiao? He simp for this dish like I simp for Nilou."
Lumine still looked confused, and Paimon was slowly backing away like I had just lost the last few screws in my head. Which… fair.
But I wasn't backing down.
"Just trust me, alright? I have… plot knowledge."
"What the heck is plot knowledge? You've been onto that since we met." Lumine asked.
"It's like regular knowledge, but cooler. Also extremely unreliable."
They sighed, but they followed anyway. Because deep down, they knew. The Shigeru method always works. Eventually. Probably. Maybe.
—
So we stormed into the kitchen area of Wangshu Inn like we owned the place. Which, spoiler alert, we didn't. But confidence is key, baby.
"Hey! Yanxiao, my man! Can we borrow the kitchen for a bit?" I asked the chef with all the charisma of a discount bard.
To my surprise, he didn't even question it. "Sure, just don't set anything on fire."
I gave him a thumbs up. "No promises!"
—
Step one: Acquire ingredients. Step two: Don't die. Step three: Cook.
Lumine took one look at the Almond Tofu recipe and sighed. "This isn't hard. I can do this."
"Great! You're the executive chef," I declared, handing her the recipe with all the grace of a royal scribe.
"What are you going to do?"
"Me and Paimon," I said, puffing up proudly, "are going to make… a salad."
Paimon looked like she'd rather be anywhere else. "Why do I feel like this is going to end in disaster?"
Spoiler alert: it did.
I started chopping up what I thought were tomatoes. Paimon was hovering nearby, arranging lettuce with all the enthusiasm of someone preparing for the apocalypse.
"Paimon, pass me that tiny round vegetable—"
"That's an onion!"
"Oh. Right. Got it."
Moments later:
"Paimon, hold still. I need to—"
"SHIGERU! I AM NOT AN INGREDIENT!!"
Oops.
To be fair, I only almost chopped her by accident. Like, 40% accident. The other 60% was because I mistook her floating white puffiness for a strange new Teyvat vegetable. It could happen to anyone.
Lumine was in the corner trying so hard not to laugh, flipping tofu in a pan like a pro. I watched her for a moment and muttered, "Wife material, honestly."
She turned around. "What was that?"
"Nothing! Just admiring your cooking technique! Definitely not simping!"
Eventually, after a few burns by me, several near-death experiences to Paimon, and a lot of kitchen-related screaming which is also me, we finished.
The Almond Tofu gleamed. The salad… existed. Kind of.
I wiped imaginary sweat from my brow and grinned. "Alright! Time to find the depressed Anemo king!"
Paimon stared at our masterpiece. "Are you sure this is going to work?"
"No," I admitted. "But when has that ever stopped us?"
Lumine sighed. "Let's just go before someone realizes we hijacked the kitchen."
And with that, tofu in hand, salad in… another hand, we began our hunt.
For the edgy king of Adepti. Armed with snacks.
Plot armor: activated.
Alright. So. We had one mission left. Deliver the goods to the Balcony Brooder himself. Xiao. The King of Edgy Balconies. The Prince of Poles. The Lord of Leaps. The---okay I'll stop. Point is, it was tofu time.
After our culinary misadventure that almost ended in a Paimon stir-fry -again, not my fault, she shouldn't look so choppable,- we were ready. I was holding the plate of Almond Tofu like it was the freaking Holy Grail. Lumine held the salad with all the enthusiasm of someone holding a wet sock. Because let's be real, that salad did NOT look like a salad. It looked like what happens when you let a five-year-old mix a garden with a fruit basket.
"Alright," I said, marching up to the other side of the balcony. Yes. He changed spots. Again. I swear this guy treats balconies like PokéStops.
And there he was. Brooding. Wind blowing his hair. Looking like a dramatic anime cover.
He noticed us approaching and sighed, like we were Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on his soul.
"It's you three again?" he muttered, already doing that thing where he semi-fades like a bootleg ninja.
"Hold it right there!" I shouted, pointing at him like an Ace Attorney character. "Don't you dare use Instant Transmission on me!"
Xiao paused. He blinked. I blinked back. Lumine facepalmed. Paimon was floating like she was bracing for impact.
He looked down at what I was carrying. "What is this?"
I stepped forward proudly, presenting the plate like I was summoning a deity. "Your favorite, my brooding brother. Almond Tofu!"
I held up the salad. It wobbled ominously. "And... uh... this one may not look like it, but it's a salad. I swear. Probably."
He just stared. That same neutral face like he was processing a blue screen error inside.
Then—and I swear I saw a spark of curiosity in his eyes—he took the tofu.
AND. HE. ATE. IT.
I turned to Lumine and whispered, "I have tamed the beast."
"He's literally just eating," she hissed.
Xiao chewed thoughtfully. His eyes softened. Not much, but hey, for Xiao, that was basically smiling.
Then came the info dump.
I launched into my usual dramatic retelling. "So, here's the tea, my pointy-shoed protector. We went to the Rite of Descension, right? And then, BAM! Rex Lapis? DEAD. Like really dead. Dead-dead. No respawns. And apparently, we're the prime suspects. Because fate hates main characters, I guess."
Xiao squinted.
"So then, we meet this Ginger Fatui dude, who was like, super sketchy but also kinda fabulous? He helped us get a Sigil of Permission—don't ask how—and now we're here trying to get the Adepti to not smite us with divine thunder thighs."
There was a long pause.
"...What?" Xiao asked, looking like he regretted not disappearing earlier.
Lumine stepped up quickly, the voice of reason as always. "What he means to say," she began, rubbing her temple, "is that Rex Lapis collapsed during the Rite of Descension. We had no idea what was happening, but next thing we knew, everyone was pointing fingers at us." She shot me a quick glare before continuing. "We're looking for the Adepti because we need someone to vouch for us, explain that we're not behind this."
Meanwhile, I was dramatically posing behind her like some kind of Power Ranger who forgot his lines.
Paimon added bits here and there, mostly correcting all the wrong crap I blurted out earlier.
Lumine, meanwhile, had that look—y'know, the one where she's halfway between done with my existence and contemplating launching me off the balcony. "Can you not say weird stuff in a life-or-death situation?" she muttered.
I grinned. "But it paints a vivid picture, doesn't it?"
She pinched the bridge of her nose. "Please let me do the talking next time. We're trying to not get obliterated."
"Noted!" I said cheerfully. Absolutely not noted.
Finally, Xiao nodded slowly. "Rex Lapis is dead... Liyue is vulnerable. I must seek out the other Adepti. We must discuss how to proceed."
He turned to leave, but not before glancing at the tofu again.
"Thanks for this."
And poof. He vanished.
I saluted the empty air. "Farewell, Balcony Batman."
Paimon floated over. "So... what now?"
I clenched my fists with purpose. "To the Ginger Fat Chewy Hamburger in the Northland Bank!"
They both stared at me.
Lumine, "Do you mean Childe?"
"Yes. But that sounds less fun. LET'S GOOOOO!"
_____________________
End of Chapter 21
Quest Completed: Feed the Edgy Yaksha without getting stabbed after offering food
Rewards: +500 "Being Less Suspicious" XP, +100 Friendship XP with Xiao, +1 Adepti Favor, Salad Recipe (Scuffed Edition), and Xiao didn't call us annoying. That's character development
New Title: "Tofu Diplomat"