Kim Dokja couldn't bear to look at anyone right now. His mind was in shambles, and he knew that everything he had kept locked up inside was going to come pouring out. She had always brought out the worst in him, after all.
[many constellations are curious to know more.]
The screen focuses on the younger Dokja, highlighting his beat-up face and worn clothes, and his eyes are dark and blank as he looks down rather than at the woman on the other side of the glass. The scene then swivels to show Sookyung, her face impassive as she looks at him. However, the slight downturn of her lips and narrowing of her eyes display the sorrow she feels.
If it wasn't for TWSA—if it wasn't for the author who never stopped publishing more chapters—I probably would have left this world a long time ago. Without a mother or a father, this story was the only comfort I had.
Jung Heewon sucked in a breath when she saw his state at that age, already looking enraged—and she wasn't the only one. Lee Hyunsung looked angry too, and it was unnerving seeing that kind of expression on his face. Yoo Joonghyuk was radiating quiet fury, and Lee Seolhwa was silent and serious as she catalogued his injuries.
Kim Dokja's hands shook as his mind filled in the details of what it had been like back then. The echo of his voice in what might as well have been an empty room, and the agonizing weight of the silence that answered him. That expression on her face was causing a lump to form in his throat and he wanted to scream or cry or go completely blank so he could just forget.
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is furious at the state of the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
And then his mind betrayed him. Kim Dokja felt everything stop as his inner thoughts were broadcasted to everyone, and he knew that—with that wording—he couldn't keep it hidden anymore. The kids seemed a bit confused and worried, but he couldn't pay attention to them when the room was spinning around him.
"Dokja-ssi," Yoo Sangah gasped, looking at him with a horrified expression. He didn't know what she was going to say in that instant, but she nearly crumbled as she looked at him, and her next words made him want to curl up and hide.
"I didn't want to be right."
So she had figured it out. Hell, she had probably known since the theatre dungeon. Honestly, Kim Dokja should be grateful that she had kept it quiet for this long.
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is frozen from shock.]
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is horrified.]
[the constellation 'queen of the darkest spring' is looking sadly at the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
"Fuck," Han Sooyoung cursed under her breath as the dots connected themselves. "No wonder you were always so defensive about it."
Lee Jihye's gaze flickered between the two women and him as she slowly put the pieces together, and her eyes widened in horror before she looked at Yoo Joonghyuk in shock. Honestly, for a second, Kim Dokja genuinely hoped she'd say some of her usual bullshit just to break the incredibly awkward tension that had settled over the room.
However, Lee Jihye said nothing, and Kim Dokja didn't know why.
[some constellations are demanding that the incarnations be more clear with their words.]
"It's nothing but third-rate garbage…" Sookyung mutters, unfortunately just loud enough for her son to hear. Dokja's eyes widen before narrowing in fury to glare at her. He keeps his tone level as he tells her that she's lost the luxury of being anything but grateful for that novel seeing as she's survived this long thanks to knowing about it.
Dokja's words interest 'Prisoner of the Golden Headband', while making 'Secretive Plotter' look upon him with an indecipherable expression. 'Demon-Like Judge of Fire', however, looks at him with sorrow.
Dokja walks to the table and leans on it, asking her what her attributes are, while guessing that they're related to the fact that she listened to him telling her about TWSA. Sookyung asks why she should tell him, and in return Dokja pulls the 'you will tell me if you think of me as your son' card. She flips it back at him, stating that she wonders if he even thinks of her as a mother. Dokja states that he does, just a little. Unfortunately, Sookyung has [Lie Detection] and finds his statement to be false.
Dokja looks away like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar while secretly cursing that she already has this skill.
Kim Dokja flinched upon hearing her words. TWSA wasn't garbage. Sure, it might not have been the most well-written novel in existence—it was riddled with spelling mistakes and the pacing was all over the place, like the author was rushing to get the chapters finished instead of taking their time to plan and proofread—but it drew Kim Dokja in like it was written specifically for that purpose. He loved everything about it, and it had saved his life.
"That is not for you to decide," Yoo Joonghyuk said firmly, shooting a glare at her. "You survived because Kim Dokja read about my life."
He glanced at Kim Dokja, then, and it was so full of emotion that Kim Dokja could barely believe it was real. Whatever feelings were lurking under Yoo Joonghyuk's impassive surface were roiling and powerful, and they were threatening to burst free.
Why? Why would he get so emotional over this? It would make sense if it was just about his life being used like a tool, but the way he worded that made it seem like Yoo Joonghyuk didn't mind what Kim Dokja had done. That couldn't be right.
It couldn't be.
[the constellation 'prisoner of the golden headband' is curious about the current events.]
God, this conversation was going to be painful. Right out of the gate, and they were already trying to catch each other in lies, and to manipulate each other into saying what they wanted to hear. Of course she wouldn't tell him anything—when had she ever?
"Your words make me sad, Dokja-yah," she sighed, looking at him with a soft frown on her face. It was fake, and he knew it.
Although he was shaking, he took a deep breath and tried to find the words to string together into a sentence or two. Her [Lie Detection] had already called him out on it, so why would it matter if he spoke his mind?
"If you even thought of me as your son, you would have answered me years ago. Why would I still care when you clearly don't?"
She sighed again. "You don't understand how I feel. I finally get to speak with my only son, my flesh and blood, and he's fighting back constantly. Honestly, you make it seem like I was a bad mother."
Hah, why was he even trying? She might have been his mother, once, but now their only bond was forged through blood. Any other ties had been severed, and he had lived his life trying to escape her spider web of lies and influence, but somehow he kept getting caught.
It was laughable that she ever thought she was a good mother to begin with.
[the constellation 'founder's mother' is looking mournfully at the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
"Do you still think everything was my fault?" Sookyung asks, and she smiles slightly as her eyes show both exhaustion and the love she claims that she still feels for him. Dokja just grimaces and turns away stating that he doesn't want it brought up while thinking that he can't tell if she's acting or not.
"Your father wasn't a good person," she states, and Dokja pauses before quietly agreeing. He then speaks louder as he reminds her that the fact that he wasn't a good person doesn't make her actions right. Sookyung explains that sometimes, sacrifices must be made in order to lead a better life. Dokja coldly throws back that he thinks it's nonsense, and that murderers have to pay the price for their actions.
Sookyung's expression hardens and turns ice-cold as she states that reading nothing but fiction has turned him into a smooth talker.
"To me, my life seemed even more unreal than that novel," Dokja states loudly. "All because of you."
"Um, I hope that I'm not the only one feeling extremely awkward right now," Lee Hyunsung muttered, almost hiding his face in his hands. "This isn't something we're supposed to hear…"
Yoo Sangah nodded along, and so did Lee Seolhwa. Han Sooyoung was just staring at the screen with narrowed eyes, and Yoo Joonghyuk was straight-up glaring. Jung Heewon was gritting her teeth, but also seemed to relent and admit that this was awkward.
Lee Hyunsung's words were true. Honestly, Kim Dokja was hating every second of the current situation—he had loathed his mother for airing their dirty laundry in public, and now this scenario was doing the exact same thing on a cosmic scale.
[constellations who like gossip are eagerly waiting to hear more.]
[the constellation 'abyssal black flame dragon' is hoping for someone to start punching.]
"I don't really know what's happening," Shin Yoosung admitted quietly, "but I'm on your side, ahjussi."
"Yeah. I'm not going to listen to anything she says, don't worry, hyung," Lee Gilyoung agreed, looking at him with determination blazing in his eyes.
For a moment, Kim Dokja felt like he could breathe again as he gathered the kids into a hug. If they noticed how much he was shaking, they didn't say anything.
Still, Kim Dokja hated that he said that he didn't want to talk about what happened that day, and yet she immediately started talking about it without listening. He felt like he was a child again, being ignored and talked over no matter who he was trying to talk to.
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is feeling conflicted.]
Why was Uriel conflicted? So what if that man was a terrible person? It was still wrong to commit murder. Both of them had done horrible things; it didn't matter why she had done it.
"... What?" Jung Heewon asked quietly, sounding bewildered. "What the fuck even happened?"
Lee Seolhwa frowned before biting her lip. "This kind of situation is more common than people would like to believe."
Ah. Right. As someone who worked in the medical field, she had probably heard all sorts of horrifying stories. A woman murdering her awful husband probably didn't even make the top ten, if Kim Dokja was being honest.
"As I said before, I only did what was necessary," she said, her voice as cold as her expression on the screen.
Kim Dokja clenched his hands into fists. Even if that one thing had been necessary, that didn't mean that her following actions had been justified as a result. Not when she had taken his life in her hands and crushed any hope he had left of living like a normal child.
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is looking at the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
They sit in silence for a moment before Dokja calms down and asks if she knows why he's here. When she says that she doesn't, Dokja tells her not to play dumb since they both have [Lie Detection], and asks about borrowing the old lady—'prisoner 406'—from her group. Sookyung asks why he isn't asking for the incarnation who has Jeon Woochi as a sponsor, and Dokja just replies that the old lady will be more of an asset than one of Sookyung's closest allies.
Sookyung scratches her chin lightly as she agrees she'll be helpful due to their opponent's identity. She then asks how he figured out her sponsor, and Dokja looks away while petulantly saying he won't tell her. Sookyung instead guesses that he must have a skill which lets him find out who people's sponsors are.
Dokja changes the subject and just asks if he can borrow her or not as he internally reminds himself to watch his words in front of her. Sookyung smiles softly and lifts her mask once more as she asks if he can introduce her to his friends the next time in exchange.
"Yeah, why didn't you just leave early?" Han Sooyoung griped, sounding far more bothered than she likely wanted to admit.
Ah, so that was why. This was a factor he didn't know about. Kim Dokja held onto the kids tighter as he watched himself be forced to ask for her help, even in a roundabout way.
"What kind of sponsor does an old lady even have that will make her so helpful?" Yoo Mia wondered while crossing her arms over her chest. She was appearing strong, but Kim Dokja could see that she was leaning more into her brother's space to hide her anxiety.
[the constellation 'lily blooming in aquarius' gently reminds the incarnation 'yoo mia' to not judge a book by its cover.]
Whoever they were, they were likely someone who could turn the tide in the upcoming scenario. Kim Dokja wracked his brain for possibilities, instantly latching onto the first thing he could to distract himself from this suffocating atmosphere.
"Like hell we'd bring along someone who might as well be your right-hand woman," Jung Heewon hissed upon hearing her suggest taking Cho Youngran. "I don't like that we have to trust you either, but I trust Dokja to pick whoever will give us the best chances of success."
It meant a lot to have Jung Heewon's trust like that, and Kim Dokja felt that lump forming in his throat again. He was so lucky that she was on their side, too.
Kim Dokja clicked his tongue when she accurately guessed the nature of his skill, but that didn't really matter anymore, did it? After all, she knew everything that they did now. Still, it was a much-needed reminder to keep himself as guarded as possible when interacting with her. If there was even a single crack in his armor, she would find it and hone in on it like a ballistic missile.
[some constellations are astounded by the condition set by the incarnation 'lee sookyung'.]
[several constellations believe that the incarnation 'kim dokja' needs to respect his mother more.]
He'd give her respect only when and if she did anything to deserve it. Even then, he would hate every second of it.
"You've met us," Yoo Joonghyuk said with obvious hostility in his voice, his lips curving up in a snarl. "I hope you're satisfied."
Kim Dokja's jaw dropped and he stared in awe at Yoo Joonghyuk, barely able to process what had just happened. Had the protagonist just sassed his mother? What the actual fuck?
Fifteen-year-old Kim Dokja would never be able to even fathom that could ever happen. It was so unbelievable, but deep down, he knew that he would be replaying those words in his mind forever.
She scowled, looking like she had just sucked on a lemon, but at least Yoo Joonghyuk stood firm against her hostility like an unmoving wall. Truly a protagonist, through and through.
Dokja's eyes widen as he tries to interpret the meaning of her words, in the meantime, she fastens her mask once more. Dokja looks down while feeling he's been outplayed by her. After all, his mother is the best at bringing out the worst in people.
"Dokja-yah, it's about time you faced reality," Sookyung states. "Even if fiction becomes reality, you must never treat it as though it's real."
Both Dokja's eyes and [The Fourth Wall] shake violently at her words. He clenches his fist as sweat drips down it, her words piercing him and causing his whole body and world to shake. Dokja looks absolutely terrified as he stares ahead blankly, and his pupils are so small that they're almost pinpricks.
To me, this person is… the strongest reminder of the 'reality' that I hate.
"I believe it," Lee Jihye muttered, narrowing her eyes. "I've never seen Master do anything like that before."
Yeah. Kim Dokja still couldn't believe that Yoo Joonghyuk had actually done that either.
Even still, the pleasant buzz in his head gave way to the awful feeling of dread welling up inside of him when she told him to face reality.
"This is real." Kim Dokja's hands were shaking, and his voice was wavering. "So what if it used to be fiction? This is the world we live in now, and you can't pretend that it was never fictional just because it doesn't suit you."
She scoffed, narrowing her eyes at him. "Dokja-yah, what's happening now doesn't change anything that happened in the past."
It didn't matter. None of it mattered. If Kim Dokja focused enough on the future, and moving forward to that epilogue he wanted, then he could put it all behind him and pretend it didn't exist. That was the only way he could cope with what was going on, because it was the only way he knew how.
He was in this world now, immersed in its pages. The apocalypse was more real than ever before, even back when it had seemed more real than reality. This was the world he had lived in for thirteen years, even though his body was stuck somewhere else, going through the motions of a mundane life. This was the world he chose.
[constellations who like philosophy are contemplating the words of the incarnation 'lee sookyung'.]
[the constellation 'abyssal black flame dragon' is groaning in boredom.]
[the constellation 'abyssal black flame dragon' is demanding for the incarnation 'yoo joonghyuk' to come bursting into the tent again because at least that was cool.]
Honestly, what wouldn't Kim Dokja give for Yoo Joonghyuk to go bursting back in right now? He felt paralyzed, and having the protagonist around would be better than this—isolated and terrified, desperately trying to recontextualize her words. Kim Dokja felt sick, and he hated the memories rattling in their boxes, just waiting for one wrong move to let them tip over and spill everywhere.
She asks if he understands as [Self-Rationalization lvl. 1] kicks in.
I hate her. I hate that now, of all times, she's choosing to act like a mother. Too many bridges have been burned for us to go back to the way it used to be.
Both Dokja and [The Fourth Wall] slowly stop shaking as he speaks up once more. "It's true. I turned 'fiction' into 'reality' in my mind. Why, you ask? Because that's how I was able to keep living."
Lee Seolhwa looked at her with a serious expression on her face, and after taking a deep breath, she began to speak. "Sookyung-ssi, I would assume that you still want some kind of relationship with Dokja-ssi, and that's why you're acting the way you are."
She just raised a brow, as though telling the doctor to go on.
"However, you need to understand that Dokja-ssi does not want or need that. The more you push, the worse it will get. Please forgive me for overstepping my bounds here, but respectfully, I believe that too much has happened by now for Dokja-ssi to be willing to try."
She was right. If she had reached out back then, back when Kim Dokja was desperate for any kind of response or proof that he was loved, then he would have clung to it with everything he had. Back then, he had still loved his mother and hoped that she still loved him.
Now? Now, it was far too late.
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is agreeing with the words of the incarnation 'lee seolhwa'.]
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is looking intently at the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
Kim Dokja dropped his head, taking a deep breath. He was feeling overwhelmed, and not even the kids clinging to him were able to keep his mind from beginning to shut down. There was too much attention on him, too much talking and too much speculation.
Yoo Sangah already figured out the truth, and he was sure that a few others had as well. With those words, it must have cemented it in some of their minds too.
What did Yoo Joonghyuk think, now that he knew Kim Dokja had latched onto his story to keep himself alive? Was he angry? Upset? Exhausted?
Did he even care?
Suddenly, Kim Dokja felt something warm touch his hand, and he jerked his head up to stare at it in shock.
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is covering her mouth to hold in a squeal.]
A hand, covered in scars, carefully held his like it was something fragile and precious. Kim Dokja blinked at it for a moment, unable to believe what he was seeing. Following the arm with his eyes, Kim Dokja's gaze landed on Yoo Joonghyuk's face. His ears were slightly reddened, but he was staring defiantly ahead like nothing was happening at all.
This made no sense. The protagonist wasn't the kind of person to do something like that, it was so far out of character that this was unfathomable, so why…? Yoo Mia also looked confused, and sent a baffled shrug in Kim Dokja's direction.
Then, Yoo Joonghyuk spoke quietly, just barely loud enough for him and the kids to hear.
"If you lived because of my story, then that means I was able to save one person."
Kim Dokja didn't know if it was meant to be a question or a statement—whether Yoo Joonghyuk was seeking reassurance, or whether he was saying it to solidify his own beliefs. Regardless, it felt almost as though the regressor had read his mind earlier despite not having a skill that would allow him to do that.
Still, Kim Dokja felt like he had to answer, somehow. His voice wasn't coming to him right now, so instead, all he could do was squeeze the protagonist's hand and hope that conveyed the meaning well enough.
Yoo Joonghyuk said nothing, but a few seconds later, he squeezed back.
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is silent.]
Sookyung stays quiet, her expression completely hidden by her mask, as Dokja continues expressing his anger. "You might think that's pathetic, but don't forget one thing. At least, unlike you, I never sold off 'reality' to be 'fiction' like you did."
Dokja then storms out of the tent with gritted teeth, leaving Sookyung alone inside. When he opens his eyes after the tent flap closes behind him, he nearly runs right into Sangah, startling them both. Sangah immediately launches into an awkward apology, mentioning that she was worried about him taking so long. She doesn't finish, and instead they both stand in a tense silence before he asks about her hangover. She then apologises for being a burden, since she heard that he had to carry her, and Dokja waves off her concern by telling her that it's only natural since she's been looking out for him as well.
Dokja then asks if she heard everything, keeping himself carefully calm as he does. Sangah stays quiet, which worries Dokja. When she nods, he looks away while mentally cursing that the sound-blocking skill was likely destroyed by the force of Joonghyuk's entry.
"Sold it off?" Lee Jihye muttered, looking baffled. "What does that even mean?"
She glanced over at Yoo Sangah, who just shook her head. Though she sighed, Lee Jihye didn't ask any further questions, and Kim Dokja had to internally thank his former coworker for stepping in. Still, he did everything he could to avoid squeezing Yoo Joonghyuk's hand again, despite the memories battering at his willpower.
"At least you got the fuck out of there," Han Sooyoung said, casting an exasperated look in her direction.
[the constellation 'prisoner of the golden headband' is nodding in agreement.]
[the constellation 'queen of the darkest spring' is breathing out a sigh of relief.]
Things would get better now, right? Kim Dokja could go back to doing his best to ignore that she existed, and he could hope that no one decided to pry further—least of all about the meaning of his words.
"Sangah-ssi!?" Lee Hyunsung exclaimed in shock. "It seems you've woken up!"
She blinked in surprise, but smiled awkwardly. "Ah, yes, it seems so."
It looked like she was grateful for the change in topic but Kim Dokja winced when her future self started acting strangely. Why was she making excuses and suddenly apologizing with such an awkward look on her face?
[the constellation 'lily blooming in aquarius' is hoping the situation will improve.]
"We have to get ready for the next scenario, right?" Yoo Sangah laughed. "I'm sure I just… wanted to get that apology out of the way early."
That was possible, knowing her personality, but… there had to be something else.
Ah.
"Wait, wasn't there a skill being used to keep people from hearing?" Yoo Mia asked suddenly. "How did unnie overhear?"
[several constellations look awkwardly at the incarnation 'yoo joonghyuk'.]
"Joonghyuk-ah, maybe tone it down with the dramatic entrances next time, okay?" Kim Dokja asked, hoping that his voice came out more playful than pathetic.
At the very least, the dry look that Yoo Joonghyuk sent him was more normal, and Kim Dokja carefully took the opportunity to slide his hand away. Though the protagonist's brow furrowed a bit more, Kim Dokja clasped his hands in his lap and glanced away, pretending that his skin wasn't tingling where Yoo Joonghyuk's touch lingered.
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is frowning at the action of the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
Pasting a smile onto his face, Dokja asks Sangah if she thinks it's odd for a mother and son to speak to each other in such a way. Sangah looks shocked as she tries to explain that she doesn't think that's the case.
Dokja cuts her off and asks if she wants to know why. Sangah lowers the hands she had raised placatingly and mutters that she would mind hearing about it as long as it's not crossing a line. Dokja's eyes close slightly as the reflection of the sky on the windows of nearby buildings take on a blood red glow.
"My mother murdered my father."
Sangah's eyes widen slightly and her mouth opens in shock as he continues to explain that she went to prison for it. As he speaks, Dokja's voice sounds distant—as though he's telling someone else's story. Though it sounds harsh, Dokja proceeds to admit that his father deserved to die, listing his bad habits of domestic violence, gambling, debts, and more…
"My mother and I lived in fear because he beat us every day when he was alive."
Ah fuck, was he really going to keep talking about it?
"Dokja-ssi…" Yoo Sangah said quietly, looking at him helplessly. "I hope you don't feel obligated to explain everything…"
Would he?
Kim Dokja bit his lip. If it was Yoo Sangah, then he just might. He trusted her, after all.
[many constellations are hoping to hear the full story.]
He closed his eyes as he realized what his future self had decided, knowing that this couldn't possibly end well.
"What the fuck?" Han Sooyoung demanded, whirling around to look at her. "Why would you—"
"Stop," Kim Dokja said, cutting her off. "I… I'm going to explain it."
It hurt. It burned. It felt like thousands of tiny pieces of shattered glass were stabbing into his heart, and Kim Dokja wanted to run away from everything. He knew that he would tell her everything, and he knew that he would hate every second of it.
He also knew that it would hurt her, and yet… he still chose to do it.
Hearing his voice beginning to explain, Kim Dokja could barely recognize it as his own. It sounded like his emotions had been shut off completely, and that he was recounting it like it was merely another story he read.
[the constellations of the absolute good alignment are gasping in horror.]
She exhaled deeply, and Kim Dokja refused to acknowledge anything further. She didn't get to be all regretful now, not after so long.
"Ahjussi… he was a really bad person, right?" Shin Yoosung whispered anxiously, and all he could do was numbly nod his head in response.
The most concerning thing was the way Lee Gilyoung's grip on his sleeve suddenly tightened to the point where the boy's knuckles were white. What was running through his head? Why was he so scared too?
A picture that Kim Dokja didn't like was beginning to come into focus, and it was all he could do to swallow down the uncomfortable feelings that came with relating to something to hold the child just a bit closer.
When Kim Dokja finally said the words that had remained silent until then, he could almost hear Jung Heewon's teeth grinding in her fury, and the dark aura that Yoo Joonghyuk was practically exuding would be enough to give any senior citizen a heart attack.
"That bitch," Jung Heewon hissed, her eyes nearly flashing red with [Demon Slaying], activated through her anger alone before it was suddenly cut off with the smallest sparks of probability. She didn't even notice them, but Kim Dokja narrowed his eyes upon seeing the sparks vanishing into the air. That wasn't good.
[the constellation 'scribe of heaven' is narrowing his eyes in suspicion.]
Suddenly, a grainy red-tinged flashback begins—overlayed with an uncomfortable buzzing noise to drown out any words—as a heavily injured woman tries to lift herself off the ground despite the way her body shakes. She's covered in bruises and she looks helpless to stop what's happening right in front of her. Suddenly, the scene zooms out to show the legs and an arm of a man holding an empty bottle as he stands menacingly over a boy who is equally beaten and bruised. The boy's clothes hang off of him, far too large for his small frame, and he seems to be crying
"Then one day, she made a choice…"
The scene zooms in on Sookyung's face as angry tears stream down swollen cheeks. One bloodshot eye is barely visible beneath her messy hair, but she looks both desperate and determined as she grits her teeth despite her cracked and bleeding lips.
"... and it happened."
The woman stands, a knife glinting with the eerie red glow of the memory in her hand. She staggers towards the man in front of her, who has dropped the bottle in favour of lifting the young boy by the front of his shirt to slap him.
[the constellation 'founder's mother' looks on regretfully.]
Kim Dokja closed his eyes immediately as soon as he recognized the room in front of him, already knowing exactly what was being shown on the screen. He had replayed that scene so many times in his own mind already, after all. There was no escaping it when he knew it inside and out.
Lee Seolhwa exhaled shakily, and he knew that she must be realizing just how bad the abuse had been. Some of those bruises had been days or weeks old, and they were always replaced every single day.
"Fuck," Han Sooyoung cursed, and Kim Dokja flinched violently when he heard the sound of his own helpless sobs through the obnoxious noise. He couldn't even tell if it was coming from the screen, or whether his own mind was filling in the gaps, making it feel all the more real.
"Oh god," Yoo Sangah gasped, sounding genuinely horrified.
It was horrifying, and he desperately hoped that the kids were looking away as he gulped in air, trying to force himself just to remember to breathe. Kim Dokja remembered what he had looked like at that time of his life—all skin and bones, and black and blue. He was small and weak, and unable to do anything but hide and cry.
[the constellation 'demon-like judge of fire' is roaring for vengeance.]
[the constellation 'secretive plotter' is overcome with fury.]
Kim Dokja remembered the prevalent scent of alcohol, and the overwhelming sense of fear. He remembered the pain and the shock. He remembered the desperation.
Kim Dokja remembered a knife, and he remembered feeling nothing but numb as blood spilled across the floorboards. He remembered his mother's voice speaking to him in a cold and calculating tone.
Kim Dokja remembered that it was self-defense.
"Fuck," Han Sooyoung cursed again. "Fuck, I can't even fucking hate you for it."
"Damn it, I would have done the same thing," Jung Heewon hissed, and Kim Dokja could hear the rattle of her sword returning to its sheath. When had she drawn it? What had been the final straw?
"I told you," she said, her voice just as steady as Kim Dokja remembered, "I only did what was necessary."
The scene returns to the present as Dokja states that he thought the rumors were all over the company, and asks if she really never heard anything. Sangah just looks awkward as she doesn't respond, realizing that she unknowingly managed to hit him right on a deep wound. Dokja just moves on as though he's unaffected, stating that he would understand if Sangah is confused as to why he hates his mother when she did that to end their suffering despite murder being illegal.
Sangah quickly speaks up and says that she doesn't fully understand since she's not him, but before she can finish her thought, Dokja cuts her off and remarks that she thinks he should forgive his mother for what she did. Sangah goes quiet like someone who has been caught, and it's extremely awkward for a moment.
Yoo Sangah gasped in horror. "Dokja-ssi, I had heard there were rumours, but I didn't know that they were…"
Kim Dokja let out a breath, finally opening his eyes now that the memory had ended. "I'm used to it by now."
"You shouldn't be," Yoo Joonghyuk interjected with a scowl. He looked like he wanted to commit a murder himself, and Kim Dokja could only shudder.
[the constellation 'queen of the darkest spring' vows to punish the soul of that man severely if he is found in the 'underworld'.]
Ah… wouldn't that be something?
Still, Kim Dokja was just glad that his future self had [The Fourth Wall] to help him cope with his own memories throughout this conversation. He could barely stay coherent without it, and it sucked.
"It doesn't matter if we're confused, Dokja-ssi," Lee Seolhwa said quietly. "We can't fully understand your circumstances, even after seeing this, but you're allowed to feel what you do."
That was nice to hear, honestly. Still, from what they knew alone, of course they'd be confused. After all, that was only half the context.
If that had been all it was, then maybe things could have been different. Maybe he wouldn't have needed to rely on a book about a man's desperation to persevere just to keep his other foot out of the grave.
[the constellation 'abyssal black flame dragon' believes that forgiveness is for cowards.]
Funny that. Kim Dokja wasn't sure how true that statement was, or how true he wanted it to be. Maybe if he believed it, then he could convince himself that he wasn't a coward for running away from it every chance he had.
"Do you happen to know the book 'Memoirs of an Underground Killer'?" Dokja asks suddenly. Sangah, overjoyed at the change in topic to escape this horrific awkwardness, states that she's heard of it since it was a bestseller. Unfortunately, Dokja's words immediately dampen her mood as he describes the book's contents, which unfortunately match what he had just told her of his mother's choice. As Dokja speaks, remarking that it was completely overrated, Sangah's expression gradually darkens with every word as she falls back into despair at the realization that they had not, in fact, changed topic.
He looks down, smiling sadly, as his eyes look both blank and forlorn. "That's right. My mother wrote it."
"I've never heard of it," Lee Hyunsung muttered with a shake of his head, frowning. "Am I supposed to?"
Kim Dokja shook his head. "No, you wouldn't have. Don't worry about it."
[constellations who like literature are confused by the recommendation of the incarnation 'kim dokja'.]
A recommendation? As if. He'd burn every copy of that book if he could.
"Oh, that's a rather abrupt change of topic, Dokja-ssi," Yoo Sangah said with a sigh, looking as relieved as her future self. She did become a bit more nervous when she let out a sigh and shook her head, glancing awkwardly back at Kim Dokja.
Lee Jihye blanched as Kim Dokja began describing the book's subject matter. "Um, ahjussi, that book uh… it sounds really… similar…"
He didn't respond, staring ahead blankly instead.
Yoo Joonghyuk stared at him with something like realization in his eyes, and before he knew it, Kim Dokja found himself making the same expression as his future self.
He knew what truth would spill from his mouth next, and all he could do was slowly build a wall up around his mind to protect himself from the fallout.
However, instead of outrage and fury, all he was met with was tense, shocked silence.