MONICA + RACHEL'S PLACE. ENTER ROSS]
Ross: Guys? There's somebody I'd like you to meet.
(A MONKEY jumps onto his shoulder.)
All: Oooh!
Monica: W-wait. What is that?
Ross: That would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica: No, no, I don't.
Rachel: Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
Ross: My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe: That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
Chandler: Hey, that monkey's got a Ross on its ass!
Monica: Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?
Ross: Yeah. I mean, it's been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica: Why don't you just get a roommate?
Ross: Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe— (REALISES) ...sorry, that's, that's pathet, which is Sanskrit for "really cool way to live."
Roy: (dryly) So... you got a monkey instead of a roommate. That's not lonely at all.
Ross: (defensive) He's not just a monkey! He's... companionship.
Roy: (grinning) Sure, man. First it's a monkey. Next thing you know, you're arguing with your blender about trust issues.
Monica: (laughing) Roy has a point. You sure you're okay, Ross?
Ross: (shrugging) Marcel gets me. You guys don't get me.
(Rachel pets Marcel.)
Rachel: Awww, he's so sweet though. Look, he's smiling!
Roy: (raising an eyebrow) Or he's just plotting. You don't know how deep monkey grudges go.
(Everyone laughs. Marcel tugs playfully at Roy's sleeve, making Roy freeze.)
Roy: (mock-serious) Great. Now I'm on the list.
[CENTRAL PERK. PHOEBE IS GETTING READY TO SING. JOEY IS NOT THERE.]
Phoebe: So you guys, I'm doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother's suicide, and one about a snowman.
Chandler: Might wanna open with the snowman.
(Roy, sitting cross-legged on the couch, leans over to Monica.)
Roy: (whispering) Yeah, start sad, end depressing. Solid game plan.
(ENTER JOEY)
All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica: So, how'd it go?
Joey: Ahhhhhh, I didn't get the job.
Ross: How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey: I dunno. Some fat guy's sleeping with the store manager. He's not even jolly, it's all political.
Roy: (deadpan) The North Pole is tougher than we thought.
(They all chuckle.)
Monica: So what are you gonna be?
Joey: Ah, I'm gonna be one of his helpers. It's just such a slap in the face, y'know?
Rachel: Hey, do you guys know what you're doing for New Year's?
(THEY ALL PROTEST AND HIT HER WITH CUSHIONS.)
Rachel: Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year's?
Chandler: Nothing for you, you have Paolo. And Ross has Lisa. You both don't have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I'm talking loud!
Rachel: Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I'll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
Roy: (chiming in) Yeah, and Lisa's tied up with her art exhibition, so... looks like it's just us losers after all.
Phoebe: Yeah, you wish!
Chandler: It's just that I'm sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the seven of us—dinner.
All: Yeah, okay. Alright.
Chandler: Y'know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
All: Woooo! Yeah!
Rachel: Phoebe, you're on.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, good.
Rachel: (INTO MICROPHONE) Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe: (TAKES MIKE) Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. (SHAKES BELL AS AN INTRODUCTION) (SUNG:)I made a man with eyes of coalAnd a smile so bewitchin',How was I supposed to knowThat my mom was dead in the kitchen?(Shakes Bell) La lalala la la la la lalala la la...(CUT TO LATER. EVERYONE IS TOTALLY DEPRESSED BY NOW.)
Phoebe: (SUNG)...My mother's ashesEven her eyelashesAre resting in a little yellow jar,And sometimes when it's breezy...(OVER THE SOUND OF PHOEBE SINGING WE HEAR TWO SCIENTISTS, MAX AND DAVID, HAVING A NOISY DISCUSSION)
Phoebe: (SUNG)...I feel a little sneezyAnd now I- (ABRUPTLY STOPS)Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! (THEY STOP TALKING AND LOOK UP) Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
Max: No. No, that's- that's okay.
Phoebe: Well, c'mon, if it's important enough to discuss while I'm playing, then I assume it's important enough for everyone else to hear!
Chandler: (QUIETLY, TO THE OTHERS) That guy's going home with a note!
David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
Phoebe: Could you speak up please?
David: (STANDS UP AND SPEAKS MORE LOUDLY) Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I'd ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought
Max: Daryl Hannah.
David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he'd ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a
Max: Hard quality.
David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that's when you started yelling. (SITS DOWN)
Phoebe: Okay, we're gonna take a short break. (GOES OVER TO THEIR TABLE)
Joey: Hey, that guy's going home with more than a note!
MON+RACH'S APARTMENT
Ross: Come here, Marcel. Sit here.(MARCEL WANDERS OFF.)
Rachel: Pheebs, I can't believe he hasn't kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
Ross: Just a smidge.
Roy: (grinning) Honestly, I'm just impressed it took you six dates.
Phoebe: (smiling) David's like, y'know, Scientist Guy. He's very methodical.
Monica: I think it's romantic.
Phoebe: Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
Rachel: Yeah!
Phoebe: Well, he's kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he's smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...
Chandler: Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going. You're gonna ask him to New Year's, aren't you. You're gonna break the pact. She's gonna break the pact!
Phoebe: No, no, no, no, no, no. (small voice) Yeah, could I just?
Chandler: (sighing) Yeah, 'cause I already asked Janice.
Roy: (leaning back) Well, guess what? I might have to bail too. Lisa's exhibition got postponed .so now she's free for New Year's.
(Everyone groans louder.)
Monica: What?!
Ross: C'mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!
Chandler: I snapped, okay? I couldn't handle the pressure and I snapped.
Monica: Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!
Chandler: I'm not saying it was a good idea, I'm saying I snapped!
(Enter Joey. His shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.)
Joey: Hi. Hi, sorry I'm late.(He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume.)
Chandler: Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
Roy: (grinning) Hold on, do we start with the shoes, the tights?
Joey: (wiggling his foot) Nice shoes, huh? (The bells tinkle.)
Chandler: Aah, y'killing me!
Roy: (teasing) Honestly, you look like Christmas threw up..
(Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools.)
Monica: Ross! He's playing with my spatulas again!
Ross: Okay, look, he's not gonna hurt them, right?
Monica: Do you always have to bring him here?
Ross: I didn't wanna leave him alone, alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn't mean, and he—he threw some faeces...
Chandler: (mock serious) Y'know, if you're gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.
Roy: (grinning) Yeah, me too — I could swing by, teach him to throw something a little classier. Like a salad fork.
Ross: (laughing) Oh, that'd be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you're there to see him, okay, and you're not like doing it as a favour to me.
Chandler: Okay, but if he asks, I'm not going to lie.
CENTRAL PERK
Ross: So tell me something. What does the phrase "no date pact" mean to you?
Monica: I'm sorry, okay? It's just that Chandler has somebody, Phoebe has somebody, and Roy's got plans too — I thought I'd ask Fun Bobby.
Chandler: Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?
Monica: Yeah.
Joey: Wait, hold on — you know two Fun Bobbys?
Chandler: (smirking) I happen to know a Fun Bob.
Rachel: (bringing Joey a mug of coffee) Okay, here we go...
Joey: Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there's no room for milk!
Rachel: (glances at Joey and then takes a big sip) There. Now there is.
Roy: That is my waitress, everybody.
Ross: (getting frustrated) So, on our no-date evening, four of you now have dates? Chandler, Phoebe, Monica, Roy?
Rachel: (jumping in) Five! Paolo's catching an earlier flight back from Rome, remember?
Ross: (throws his hands up) Five! Great! Perfect! So, I'm the only one sticking to the pact?
Joey: Uh, make that six. Met a single mom at the store. What's an elf to do, man?
Ross: (throws his hands up) Five! Great! Perfect! So, I'm the only one sticking to the pact?
Rachel: C'mon, Ross. We'll throw a big party — no one will even know who's with who.
Ross: (muttering) This is so not what I needed right now.
Monica: (softening) What's the matter, Ross?
Ross: Oh, it's—it's Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y'know? He's walking around all the time dragging his hands...
Chandler: That's so weird. Roy and I had such a blast with him the other night.
Ross: Really?
Chandler: Yeah! We played, we watched TV... he's surprisingly good company for a monkey.
Roy: (grinning) Honestly, he's smarter than most people I know.
Ross: (perking up) What did you guys do?
Chandler: We tossed a ball around, watched some cartoons... and then he started this juggling thing. It was amazing.
Ross: (confused) What juggling thing?
Roy: (laughing) You didn't teach him? Man, he was going off — like, full-on Cirque du Soleil with your socks and a melon.
Ross: (bewildered) No, I didn't teach him that...
Chandler: (shrugging) Y'know, it wasn't that big a deal. He just balled up some socks... added a melon... maybe one or two bananas...
Roy: (mock serious) I think you might be raising a tiny furry genius, Ross.
(MAX RUNS IN)
Max: Phoebe. Hi.
Phoebe: Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
Max: No. Have you seen David?
Phoebe: No, no, he hasn't been around.
Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.
Phoebe: Minsk?
Max: Minsk. It's in Russia.
Phoebe: I know where Minsk is.
Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
Phoebe: So when, when do you leave?
Max: January first.
Central Park
Lisa: (licking her ice cream, teasing) You know, you talk a big game, but you still picked vanilla.
Roy: (grinning) Vanilla's a classic. Like me. Timeless, dependable, irresistible.
Lisa: (snorting) You forgot predictable.
Roy: (mock-offended) Hey, predictable can be sexy.
Lisa: (laughing) Sure. Right up there with orthopedic shoes and weather forecasts.
Roy: (stepping in front of her playfully, blocking her path)Okay, Ms. "Double-Fudge-Raspberry-Crunch," educate me. What's the sexy flavor then?
Lisa: (grinning, walking around him) Mystery. Chaos. Something you can't pronounce without sounding suspicious.
Roy: (pretending to think deeply) So... "Chocolate Explosion Surprise"?
Lisa: (laughs) Exactly. It sounds dangerous.
Roy: (chuckling, catching up to her) Dangerous, huh?
Lisa: (flashing him a playful look) Little bit. Keeps life interesting.
(They reach a grassy clearing. Lisa suddenly plops down onto the grass and tugs Roy's wrist, pulling him down too.)
Lisa: (smirking) And you're slow. (nudges his side playfully)
(They lie back, the world spinning lazily above them — the trees, the blue sky, the sound of distant laughter. Roy turns his head slightly to look at her. Lisa's hair is splayed out over the grass, her eyes squinting a little against the sun, smiling softly.)
Roy: (quietly, teasing) You know, you're trouble.
Lisa: (matching his soft tone) Lucky for you, you like trouble.
(A pause. The playful air shifts — still light, but full of something warmer, heavier. Roy shifts onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow, studying her like she's the only thing in the park.)
Roy: (softly) I really do.
(Lisa's smile fades into something tender. Without rushing it, Roy leans down. Their lips meet — slow, careful at first, like they're both smiling into it — then deeper, a kiss full of all the unsaid things between them. She lifts a hand to his cheek, anchoring him closer, and he drops the half-eaten ice cream somewhere forgotten in the grass.)
(When they finally break apart, Lisa's forehead rests lightly against Roy's.)
Lisa: (whispering, teasing) Guess vanilla's not so boring after all.
Roy: (grinning against her) Told you. I'm full of surprises.
Lisa: (softly, still close to him) Hey... there's something I have to tell you.
Roy: (smiling, eyes still half-closed) That you're secretly a ninja?
Lisa: (laughs lightly) No, but... almost as serious.
(She props herself up a little, playing with the grass between her fingers, not quite meeting his eyes.)
Lisa: (gently) I can't make it to your party tonight.
Roy: (blinks, sits up a little too, facing her) Oh?
(She looks a little guilty.)
Lisa: (explaining) Last-minute exhibition invite. It's a big one... lots of important gallery people.
Lisa: (quickly) I didn't want to say anything until I was sure. I didn't want to disappoint you.
(Roy watches her for a moment, then smiles — real, easy, no hurt.)
Roy: (softly) Hey. It's okay.
Lisa: (relieved but still worried) Are you sure?
Roy: (nudging her playfully) I'm not going to be mad at you for chasing your dreams. You're supposed to be out there. Showing the world what you can do.
(Lisa finally meets his eyes, her shoulders relaxing a little.)
Lisa: (smiling) You're kinda amazing, you know that?
Roy: (grinning) I have my moments.
(She leans in and kisses him again — a smaller kiss this time, sweet and full of gratitude.)
Lisa: (whispering against his lips) I'll make it up to you. Promise.
Roy: (smiling, teasing) You better. I'm thinking... at least two desserts.
(A/N: desserts but not desserts)
Lisa: (laughing) Deal.
MON+RACH'S- THE PARTY
Janice: (laughing) I love this artichoke thing! Oh, don't tell me what's in it, the diet starts tomorrow!
Chandler: (rolling his eyes) You remember Janice.
Monica: (grimacing) Vividly.
(The doorbell rings, and Monica heads to answer it. She opens the door to reveal Sandy, holding the hands of a young boy and a younger girl.)
Monica: (smiling) Hi.
Sandy: (cheerfully) Hi, I'm Sandy.
Joey: (grinning) Sandy! Hi! C'mon in!
(Sandy steps inside with her kids, who start looking around with curiosity.)
Joey: (noticing) You brought your kids.
Sandy: (nodding) Yeah. That's okay, right?
Monica: (laughing) Of course! The more, the merrier!
(As the conversation shifts, the door swings open again. Roy enters, walking in with a casual air, but his expression is slightly more distracted than usual. The group turns toward him with friendly greetings.)
Chandler: (teasing) Well, look who finally decided to show up. Get lost in the park or something?
Roy: (shrugging, grinning) Nah, just a little late.
Monica: (casually) So, where's Lisa? You two were inseparable earlier.
Roy: (sighing a little) She's... got some urgent work to handle. Big exhibition stuff.
Monica: (nodding) Oh, I thought she was coming.
Roy: (shrugging) Yeah, me too. But, you know, work comes first.
(Phoebe, noticing Roy's tone, steps in with a smile.)
Phoebe: (lightly) Hey, it's okay, Roy. You're still here with us!
Roy: (half-smiling) Yeah, I guess I am. Just... would've been nice to hang out with her tonight.
Phoebe: (grinning) Well, lucky for you, you've got the whole gang to keep you company!
Monica: (teasing) You know, if you're feeling lonely, I'm sure Joey can give you some pointers on how to entertain yourself.
Joey: (grinning) Hey, I am an expert in having a good time!
Roy: (laughing) I'll pass.
ROSS ENTERS WITH MARCEL ON HIS SHOULDER
Ross: (grinning) Par-tay!
Monica: (frowning) That thing is not coming in here.
Ross: (feigning shock) 'That thing'? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn't be welcome in your home?
Monica: (raising an eyebrow) I'm guessing your new girlfriend wouldn't urinate on my coffee table.
Ross: (defensively) Okay, he was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Alright? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
Monica: (turning away) Alright. Just keep him away from me.
Ross: (grinning) Thank you.
(Ross walks further into the apartment as Marcel hops off his shoulder and starts running around the room. He spots Roy in the crowd and heads toward him.)
Ross: (to Marcel, chuckling) C'mon, Marcel, what do you say we do a little mingling?
Roy: (laughing) Looks like you've got some company there, Ross.
Ross: (grinning, following Marcel) Yeah, he's got an agenda. I don't know what it is, but it usually involves snacks and chaos.
(Marcel makes a beeline for the snack table, knocking over a few cups in the process.)
Roy: (laughing) Uh-oh, trouble's brewing.
Ross: (shrugging) It's a party. What else do you expect?
The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is disheveled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look.)
Monica: Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey... are you okay? Where—where's Paolo?
Rachel: (bitterly) Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
Phoebe: (concerned, staring) And then... your face is bloated?
Rachel: (sighs) No. Okay, I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman—this blonde planet with a pocketbook—starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts—starts pulling me out by my hair! So I'm blowing my attack whistle thingy, and three more cabs show up, and as I'm going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the curb and cut my lip on my whistle...(pauses, looking around weakly) Oh... everybody having fun at the party? (To Monica) Are people eating my dip?
(Roy exchanges a glance with Joey, wide-eyed.)
Roy: ( trying to lighten the mood) Honestly, Rach, that sounds way more exciting than this party so far.Rachel: (weak chuckle) Glad I could contribute.
(Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom. The atmosphere is picking back up.)
Sandy: (to Joey) Y'know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
Joey: (grinning) Wow, that's, uh... dirty.
Sandy: (smirking) Yeah.
(They almost kiss, but Joey catches her kids staring at them.)
Joey: (awkward) Hey, kids...
(Across the room, Ross watches Marcel playing with Phoebe. Roy is standing nearby, sipping a soda.)
Ross: (to Chandler) Look at him. I'm not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.Roy: (smirking) Marcel has a better social life than you tonight, Ross.Ross: (mock offended) Hey .Not cool.
(Suddenly, Janice startles them.)
Janice: There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!
Chandler: (imitating dramatically) But you found me!
Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture! (hands him a camera; Ross starts snapping pictures) Smile! You're on Janice Camera!
Chandler: (muttering to Roy) Kill me. Kill me now.
Roy: (laughing) Sorry, man. You're on your own.
(Someone knocks on the door. Monica checks through the spyhole.)
Monica: (calling out) Hey everybody! It's Fun Bobby!
(Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door, but Bobby looks obviously very depressed.)
Fun Bobby: (sullen) Hey, sorry I'm late. But my, uh, grandfather... he—died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn't get a flight out 'til tomorrow, so... here I am.
Joey: (approaching) Hey, Fun Bobby! How's it going, man?(Realizes the mood shift.)
Joey: Whoa! Who died?(Monica gestures wildly behind Bobby's back to make Joey stop.)
(Time lapse. Bobby is telling sad stories about his grandfather. Everyone is sitting around looking deeply affected.)
Fun Bobby: (tearfully) It's gonna be an open casket, y'know, so at least I get to see him again.
Phoebe: (whispering to Roy) Sad Bobby isn't as fun as advertised, huh?
Roy: (whispering back) It's like... Fun Bobby turned into Funeral Bobby.
(Meanwhile, Janice is still posing with Chandler for Ross's endless photo spree.)
Janice: Oh, I'm gonna blow this one up, and I'm gonna write 'Reunited' in glitter.
Chandler: (finally snapping) Alright, Janice, that's it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn't necessarily think that it meant that we—Janice: (gasps) Oh no. Oh no.
Chandler: (awkward) I'm sorry you misunderstood...
Janice: (tearfully) Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me!
(Ross is still snapping pictures.)
Chandler: (groaning) Oh, will you give me the thing?! (Snatches the camera from Ross.)
Rachel: (slurring from her bruised lip) Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
The gang (in the kitchen): What?
Rachel: (louder) The bll is drrbing!
Dick Clark (on TV): In twenty seconds it'll be midnight...
Chandler: And the moment of joy is upon us.
Joey: (grinning) Looks like that no-date pact thing worked out.
Phoebe: (deadpan) Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
Monica: (noticing) Not everybody's happy. (calling) Hey, Bobby!(Bobby waves from across the room... then immediately bursts into tears.)
(The countdown finishes — Midnight hits. Everyone at the party except the gang cheers and kisses. The gang stands kind of awkwardly together in the kitchen.)
Roy: (playfully nudging Chandler) So... uh, group hug? Or are we just emotionally marinating over here?
Chandler: (raising his cup) To emotional marination.
Monica: (laughing) Come here, guys.
(They all pile into a half-hug, half-huddle, laughing a little at how pathetic it is.)
Phoebe: (mock serious) This is the saddest New Year's Eve snuggle ever recorded.
Joey: (grinning) Eh, I've had worse.
Roy: (smirking) Yeah, last year I think I kissed a coat rack.
Rachel: (laughs through the pain) Thaff sfill better thann my night.
A/N: Whew, I just went with the flow — the chapter got pretty long. Well, I'll keep it that way. If you want, you can think of it as a double chapter