MON+RACH'S APARTMENT
Chandler: ...Couldn't enjoy a cup of noodles after that. I mean, is that ridiculous? Can you believe she actually thought that?
Rachel: Um... yeah. Well, I mean, when I first met you, y'know, I thought maybe, possibly, you might be...
Chandler: You did?
Rachel: Yeah, but then you spent Phoebe's entire birthday party talking to my breasts, so then I figured maybe not.
Chandler: Huh. Did, uh... any of the rest of you guys think that when you first met me?
Monica: I did.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think so, yeah.
Joey: Not me.
Roy: No.
Ross: No no, me neither. Although, uh, y'know, back in college, Susan Sallidor did.
Chandler: You're kidding! Did you tell her I wasn't?
Ross: No. No, it's just 'cause, uh, I kinda wanted to go out with her too, so I told her, actually, you were seeing Bernie Spellman... who also liked her, so...
(JOEY, ROY CONGRATULATES ROSS, SEES CHANDLER'S LOOK AND ABRUPTLY STOPS.)
Chandler: Well, this is fascinating. So, uh, what is it about me?
Phoebe: I dunno, 'cause you're smart, you're funny...
Chandler: Ross is smart and funny, d'you ever think that about him?
All: Yeah! Right!
Chandler: WHAT IS IT?!
Monica: Okay, I-I d'know, you-you just—you have a quality.
All: Yes. Absolutely. A quality.
Chandler: Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.
Roy: I think it's the way you walk.
Chandler: Really!
Roy: No, I was just messing with you. You should have seen your face!
( everyone laughs.)
(Phone rings; MON GETS IT)
Monica: Hello? Hello? Oh! Rachel, it's Paolo calling from Rome.
Rachel: Oh my God! Calling from Rome! (TAKES PHONE) Bon giorno, caro mio.
Ross: (TO ROY) So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.
Rachel: Monica, your dad just beeped in, but can you make it quick? Talking to Rome.
(SHOWING OFF TO PHOEBE AND CHANDLER) I'm talking to Rome.
Monica: Hey dad, what's up? Oh God. Ross, it's Nana
CENTRAL PERK. RACHEL IS WORKING. JOEY, CHANDLER, AND PHOEBE ARE ON THE COUCH. ROY WALKS IN]
Roy: (grinning) Hey guys, you busy later?
Chandler: (deadpan) Define busy. If you mean "sitting here doing nothing," then yes, extremely busy.
Roy: (laughing) Well, I found this company — it's called Apple. I was interested in investing. They're giving this presentation about their new computers and stuff. I was thinking of checking it out.
Joey: (suspicious) Wait, are you trying to sell us apples?
Roy: (smirking) No, Joey. It's a tech company. Computers, gadgets .
Phoebe: (brightening) Oh! Are there going to be robots? I love robots.
Roy: (laughs) Maybe someday. Right now it's just computers. I'm thinking about investing a little... but I don't wanna go alone. You guys should come! Just to watch.
Rachel: (walking over, drying a coffee mug) Wait, wait, invest? Like, money?
Roy: (quickly) No, no, no! You guys don't have to invest. I just want company. Moral support. Maybe somebody to elbow me if it sounds sketchy.
Chandler: (mock thoughtful) So... free field trip to nerd town?
Roy: (grinning) Exactly.
Joey: (shrugging) I'm in. As long as there's snacks.
Phoebe: (nodding) Yeah! I wanna see a future robot boss.
Rachel: (smiling) Okay, I'll come. But if anyone asks me about "shares," I'm pretending I don't speak English.
Chandler: (getting up) Great. Maybe afterward we can all invest in something safer... like Beanie Babies.
Roy: (laughing) Thanks, guys. You're the best.
[ STEVE JOBS' PARENTS' GARAGE ]
Jobs: (agitated, thinking) We need parts. Better boards. Actual cases that don't look like they were carved by a caveman. (A/N: You can think of it as an AU .Apple was founded just a year ago.)
Wozniak: (wiping sweat from his forehead) Yeah, and... like, money to build more than two at a time.
Jobs: (snapping his fingers) Exactly. And that's why this meeting today matters.
Wozniak: (nodding) This Roy guy — you trust him?
Jobs: (pausing) Trust? I don't know. Maybe he gets it. He will sees what we're trying to do. (beat) I just don't want someone coming in here thinking he can tell us what to build.
Wozniak: (grinning) Like, "Hey man, maybe forget the motherboard and build a microwave instead!"
Jobs: (laughs, then serious) No. No way. This is our vision. (points around) Woz, this isn't just a garage full of junk. This is the beginning of something huge.
Wozniak: (shrugging) I'm with you, man. 100%. But... you think he'll want a say?
Jobs: (grim) Probably. (beat) Everyone always wants a say when money's involved.
Wozniak: (worried) What if he wants to be... like... a boss?
Jobs: (sharply) Then we walk.(pacing)Look, money's just fuel. We need it, sure. But we're driving this thing. No one else.
Wozniak: (smiling a little) Man, you talk like we're already a big deal.
Jobs: (grinning, energized) We are — they just don't know it yet.
[A CAR ENGINE IS HEARD OUTSIDE. JOBS STOPS PACING.]
Jobs: (low voice) He's here.
Wozniak: (sitting straighter, suddenly nervous) Okay... no crazy demands. No crazy promises.
Jobs: (smirking) Just show him the future.
THE GARAGE DOOR CREAKS OPEN. ROY STEPS IN, FOLLOWED BY JOEY, RACHEL, CHANDLER, AND PHOEBE, ALL LOOKING AROUND CURIOUSLY.]
Roy: (grinning) Whoa. Feels like the future in here.
Jobs: (stepping forward, firm handshake) You must be Roy.
Roy: (shaking hands) That's me. Thanks for letting us come by.(glancing around)And, uh, I brought some friends. Hope that's cool.
Jobs: (half-smile) As long as they don't trip over anything valuable.
Wozniak: (grinning) Or electrocute themselves. (gestures to some live wires)
Chandler: (backing away) Well, this has been fun. I value my hair the way it is.
(Everyone chuckles lightly.)
Roy: (stepping closer to the workbench) So... you guys are building computers. offering a complete, assembled circuit board kits?
Jobs: (nodding) Yes .
Wozniak: (excited) You plug it in, and it works. No building from scratch. No crazy manuals in Japanese.
Phoebe: (impressed) It's like... magic for nerds!
Rachel: (to Roy, whispering) Wait, this will work?
Roy: (grinning) It will. Trust me.
Jobs: (catching Roy's confidence) You get it. Most people just... don't see it yet.
Roy: (nodding) I've been looking into the numbers.(He pulls out a few typed papers.)In the next few years, personal computers are gonna explode. There's a real market — not just for businesses, but homes, schools... everywhere.
Wozniak: (wide-eyed) Homes?
Roy: (serious) Homes. Kids are gonna grow up with this stuff. It's gonna change everything.
Jobs: (eyes gleaming) Exactly.
Chandler: (to Joey, whispering) Change everything? I just hope it knows how to fix coffee machines.
Joey: (nodding) Yeah, or like... make sandwiches.
(Roy and Jobs ignore them, deep in their talk.)
Roy: (firm) Look, I'm interested. I'm not here to take over. No strings.(points at Jobs and Woz)You two drive the ship. I just want a seat on board.
Jobs: (exchanging a glance with Wozniak) We like steering.
Wozniak: (smiling) We really like steering.
Roy: (grinning) I'm just here to bet on the right guys. And you two? You're the right guys.
(Pause. Jobs and Wozniak seem to relax a little.)
Rachel: (stage whisper) So... does this place come with free coffee? 'Cause that would totally seal the deal.
Wozniak: (laughing) Uh, we've got warm soda if you're lucky.
Phoebe: (nodding seriously) That's okay. Soda is the coffee of computers.
(Everyone laughs.)
Jobs: (to Roy) Alright. Let's show you what we've got.
(They move over to the workbench where a partially assembled Apple I sits humming softly.)
Roy: (softly, to himself) The first spark.
[JOEY, RACHEL, CHANDLER, AND PHOEBE HAVE GONE OUTSIDE, LEAVING JUST ROY, JOBS, AND WOZNIAK.]
(The three stand around a battered workbench, serious now. An open notepad sits between them, scribbled with numbers and sketches.)
Jobs: (leaning in) Alright. You've seen what we're building.(pauses)So... what exactly are you offering?
Roy: (calm, confident) Half a million dollars.(He leans back casually.)For twenty-five percent of the company.
(Jobs and Wozniak exchange a quick glance — surprised but trying to hide it.)
Wozniak: (murmuring to Jobs) That's more money than we ever dreamed about.
Jobs: (measured) It's generous.(pause)But we have to be clear — we're not looking for someone to tell us what to do.This—(gestures around)—this vision? It's ours.
Wozniak: (nodding) We build it our way.
Roy: (smirking) Relax.(He leans forward, voice steady.)I'm not here to take the wheel.As long as you make the company make money? I won't make it difficult for you.(points at Jobs)I'm betting on you, Steve. Both of you.
Jobs: (watching Roy carefully)And if things get rough?
Roy: (grinning slightly) Then I'll back you up.As an ally, not a boss.
(Brief pause. The tension eases slightly.)
Wozniak: (chuckling) I like him.
Jobs: (smirking) Yeah. Me too.(extends his hand)You've got a deal.
(Roy smiles and firmly shakes Jobs' hand, then Wozniak's.)
Roy: (grinning) Let's build the future, boys.
(Roy steps out, looking satisfied. Joey, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe immediately rush up to him.)
Joey: (wide-eyed) Dude! Did you just, like... buy the garage?
Chandler: (grinning) Or did you at least get Steve to throw in a free toaster?
Rachel: (confused but excited) Wait, wait, Roy—are you saying you just gave them half a million dollars? In a garage?
Phoebe: (nodding seriously) It's a good garage. I feel like it has good energy. Very "birth of a tech empire" vibes.
Roy: (chuckling) Relax. I didn't buy the garage.(he shrugs)I bought a piece of their future.
Chandler: (deadpan) Cool, cool. Just checking—when the future shows up, do we get to live in it too?
Joey: (grinning) Yeah, do we get, like... free gadgets?(beat)Or sandwiches?
Roy: (laughing)Maybe.(he slaps Joey on the back)If this works out, you guys can have all the sandwiches you want.
Rachel: (laughing) Well, when you're rich, remember the little people... like me.(smiling brightly)
Phoebe: (pretending to pout) And me. I want a pony.
Chandler: (grinning) And I want you to buy me a sense of self-worth. Should be cheap.
(Everyone laughs as Roy throws an arm around Chandler's shoulders and they start walking away together, the sun setting behind them — a small moment before everything starts to change.)
CENTRAL PERK
Chandler: I just have to know, okay. Is it my hair?
Rachel: (EXASPERATED) Yes, Chandler, that's exactly what it is. It's your hair.
Phoebe: Yeah, you have homosexual hair.
(ENTER MONICA AND ROSS)
Rachel: So, um, did she...
Ross: Twice.
Joey: Twice?
Phoebe: Oh, that sucks!
Roy: You guys okay?
Ross: I dunno, it's weird. I mean, I know she's gone, but I just don't feel, uh...
Phoebe: Maybe that's 'cause she's not really gone.
Ross: No no, she's gone.
Monica: We checked. A lot.
Phoebe: Hm, I mean maybe no one ever really goes. Ever since my mom died, every now and then, I get the feeling that she's like right here, y'know? (She circles her hand around her right shoulder. CHANDLER, SITTING ON HER RIGHT, DRAWS BACK NERVOUSLY.)
Roy: (gently) I get that. Sometimes, it's not about seeing them—it's just... feeling like the space they left behind is still warm.
Phoebe: (nodding, warmly) Yeah. Exactly.(beat)Oh! And Debbie, my best friend from junior high—got struck by lightning on a miniature golf course—I always get this really strong Debbie vibe whenever I use one of those little yellow pencils, y'know? ...I miss her.
Rachel: Aw. Hey, Pheebs, want this? (GIVES HER A PENCIL)
Phoebe: Thanks!
Rachel: Sure. I just sharpened her this morning.
Joey: (lightening the mood) Now, see, I don't believe any of that. I think once you're dead, you're dead! You're gone! You're worm food!(REALIZES HOW BLUNT THAT SOUNDS)
Roy: (grinning, elbowing Joey lightly) Way to keep it cheerful, buddy.
Joey: (grinning) So Chandler looks gay, huh?
Phoebe: Y'know, I dunno who this is, but it's not Debbie. (HANDS BACK THE PENCIL)
Mon+Rach's.
(ROSS ENTERS)
Ross: (cheerful) How we doing, you guys ready?
Monica: Mom already called this morning to remind me not to wear my hair up. Did you know my ears are not my best feature?
Ross: Some days it's all I can think about.
(PHOEBE ENTERS, a little flustered.)
Phoebe: Hi, sorry I'm late, I couldn't find my bearings.
Rachel: Oh, you—you mean your earrings?
Phoebe: (blank) What'd I say?
Rachel: (STICKING HER FOOT OUT) Hm-m.
Monica: (noticing) Are these the shoes?
Rachel: Yes. Paolo sent them from Italy.
Ross: (half-joking) What, we-uh- we don't have shoes here, or...?
(ROY ENTERS, looking relaxed.)
Roy: (grinning) Hey, no need to rush, Ross. We'll get there when we get there. Besides, it's not the shoes, it's the company that matters, right?
Joey: (ENTERING WITH CHANDLER) Morning. We ready to go?
Chandler: (eyeing Roy) Well, don't we look nice all dressed up?... (deadpan) It's stuff like that, isn't it?
THE CEMETARY, AFTER THE FUNERAL
Monica: It was a really beautiful service.
Mrs. Geller: It really was. Oh, c'mere, sweetheart. (HUGS HER) Y'know, I think it might be time for you to start using night cream.
(JOEY LISTENS TO HIS OVERCOAT FOR A SECOND AND SIGHS, THEN NOTICES CHANDLER WATCHING)
Joey: What?
Chandler: (slightly amused) Nothing, just your overcoat sounds remarkably like Brent Mussberger.
Joey: (grinning, flipping open a pocket TV) Check it out, Giants-Cowboys.
Roy: (walking up to the group with a slight smirk) Oh, Joey, you're really gonna watch a football game at a funeral? That's... classy.
Chandler: (to Roy) Yeah, he's one step away from putting a foam finger on the casket.
Joey: (defensive) No, no, it's the pre-game. I'm going to watch the game during the reception.
Roy: (shrugging) You are the danger, Joey.
Chandler: (laughing) You are a frightening, frightening man.
[Rachel steps in a patch of mud.]
Rachel: Oh no! My new Paolo shoes!
Ross: Oh, I hope they're not ruined.
Phoebe: God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!
Roy: (watching, sarcastically) Great day indeed. Mud, falling graves, and ruined shoes... everything's coming up perfect.
Ross: I know, uh, the air, the-the trees... even though Nana's gone, there's, there's something almost, uh— (not looking where he's going, he falls into an open grave)
All: God! Ross!
Ross: (from the grave, frustrated) I'm fine. Just—just... having my worst fear realized.
Roy: (mock sympathy) It's okay, buddy. At least it's not your shoes, right?
Rachel: (laughing nervously) You're a real ray of sunshine, Roy.
Roy: (grinning) Just keeping things... light.
THE WAKE, AT THE GELLERS' HOUSE
Phoebe: Okay, don't worry, I'm just checking to see if the muscle's in spasm...huh.
Ross: What, what is it?
Phoebe: You missed a belt loop.
Ross: Oh! No-n—
Phoebe: (giggling) Okay, it's in spasm.
Roy: (mock serious) You should've checked for those belt loops first, Ross. A man's whole posture can change based on how well those loops are aligned.
Ross: (rolling his eyes) Thanks, Roy. Maybe next time I'll consult you on my fashion choices.
(CUT TO ROSS EMERGING FROM A HALLWAY,
GRINNING INANELY. HE IS OBVIOUSLY VERY STONED)
Phoebe: Hey, look who's up! How do you feel?
Ross: (GRINNING WIDE) I feel great. I feel—great, I fleel great.
Monica: (AMUSED) Wow, those pills really worked, huh?
Roy: I think they did a wonderful job. I've never seen Ross stoned before
Ross: (WITH A LOPSIDED GRIN) Not the first two, but the second two—woooooo! ...I love you guys. You guys are the greatest. I love my sister! (KISSES MONICA) I love Pheebs... (HUGS HER)
Phoebe: (ENJOYING THE HUG) Ooh! That's so nice...
Ross: ...Chandler!
Chandler: (SURPRISED) Hey.
Ross: (HUGS HIM) And listen, man, if you wanna be gay, be gay. Doesn't matter to me.
Andrea: (TURNS TO A FRIEND) You were right. (THEY WALK OFF AND LEAVE CHANDLER.)
Ross: ..Roy
Roy: Hey, man
Ross: (HUGS HIM) Hey, Roy... (PAUSES, GRINNING) You know, I think... I think you'd look great with a dinosaur tattoo.
Ross: (LOOKING AROUND AND SPOTTING RACHEL) Rachel. Rachel Rachel. (SITS DOWN BESIDE HER) I love you the most.
Rachel: (HUMORING HIM) Oh, well, you know who I love the most?
Ross: (LOOKS AT HER EXPECTANTLY) No.
Rachel: You!
Ross: (CONFUSED) Oh... you don't get it! (PASSES OUT AND SLUMPS ACROSS HER LAP)
CENTRAL PERK. THE GANG ARE LOOKING AT OLD PHOTOS
Rachel: Hey, who's this little naked guy?
Roy: (LEANS OVER, CURIOUSLY) Oh, I think I know this one. That little naked guy would be Ross.
Rachel: Aww, look at the little thing
Ross: (LOOKING UP, EMBARRASSED) Yes, yes, fine, that is my penis. Can we be grown-ups now?
Chandler: (SMIRKING) Who are those people?
Ross: (STILL GRINNING) Got me.
Monica: (POINTING AT A PHOTO) Oh, that's Nana, right there in the middle. (READS THE BACK) 'Me and the gang at Java Joe's.'
Rachel: Wow, Monica, you look just like your grandmother. How old was she there?
Monica: Let's see, 1939... yeah, 24, 25?
Roy: (LOOKS AT THE PHOTO) Yeah, she does look a lot like you, Monica. Except I'm guessing she was less... intense when she dropped the turkey on the floor, huh?
Monica: (NODDING, GRINNING) Yeah.
Ross: (LOOKING AT THE PHOTO WITH A SMILE) Looks like a fun gang.
Joey: (EXCITEDLY POINTING AT A PHOTO) Ooh, look, look, look, look! I got Monica naked!
Ross: (EXASPERATED) Nono, that would be me again. I'm, uh, just trying something...
Roy: (LOOKING AT THE PHOTO, LAUGHING) Man, Ross, were you just like... always this fearless? I mean, I can't imagine getting caught like that. But you look pretty happy about it!