You'd think after all the things I'd been through: alien kidnapping, being dumped into a killer plant world, nearly digested twice, I'd at least get to keep my nap space.
But no.
"Eight hours? That's it?" I stared at the countdown screen as it hit zero and started blinking "EVICTION IMMINENT."
Barry was already clinging to my head like a nervous toupee.
"Shiv wouldn't actually kick me out… right?"
Wrong.
A voice buzzed in from nowhere. That smug, too-smooth voice of my possibly-evil panda guide.
"Good morning, leaf boy. Hope you enjoyed your nap. Now get out before the floor launches you like a dandelion seed."
I didn't believe him until the floor actually tilted.
"OKAY! I'M GOING!" I shouted, grabbing Barry, my backpack, and my final shred of peace as I tumbled out the safe house door. The door slammed behind me. I swear I heard it giggle.
Outside was... well, it still looked like a fever dream designed by a florist with a murder kink. Giant red ferns snapped at passing flies. A tree blinked. I didn't want to ask how.
"Okay," I muttered. "I need water. Food. Sanity."
Barry nodded like, yes, please all of that.
After twenty minutes of careful walking (a.k.a. nervously hopping from rock to rock and smacking any leaf that moved), I heard a flow, a water flow. It must be a river.
"Finally," I said. "Barry, it's a river. We'll have a sip—"
And I heard a hiss, the same sound snakes do. Something moved beside me.
I turned. Slowly.
A vine twitched. Another one slithered.
Then the ground exploded. From the dirt rose a long, leafy... thing. Snake-like. Plant-like. With scales made of razor-edged leaves and glowing yellow pollen eyes.
I screamed. It screamed and Barry, Barry glowed more bluer than before.
Then four more appeared.
"Oh COME ON!"
"APPRAISAL, NOW!"
A glowing screen popped up in front of me.
APPRAISAL:
Name:Verdaspine Coilroot
Type: Carnivorous Ambush Flora
Size: Too big. Too flexible. Too nope.
Danger Level: 4/5
Weakness: Fire and Salt
Fun Fact: Will pretend to be normal vines until you're close enough to wrap up like a burrito and digest you slowly.
Shiv Says:"Congratulations! You've discovered jungle noodles from hell. Hope you brought ketchup."
"WHY DOES EVERYTHING WANT TO EAT ME?!"
The nearest Coilroot hissed, coiled, and lunged. I jumped back, fumbled with my lighter, and held it up like it was a holy sword.
"BACK OFF! I HAVE FIRE! YOU THINK I WON'T USE IT?!"
Barry shrieked and buried his head into my neck. The flame made one of them recoil, but the others slithered forward, more annoyed than afraid.
"That's it. Plan A: PANIC!"
I lit the end of a stick and waved it like a torch. The nearest one backed off. Another hissed and snapped at the air.
"That's right! I'm dangerous! I'm basically a spicy salad!"
Nope. One still lunged.
I did what I do best.
I ran.
Barry clung to my shoulder, vibrating like a broken phone. The jungle blurred past as I dodged vines, roots, and a very rude bush that tried to trip me.
Somewhere behind me, Shiv's voice chimed in like he was narrating my nightmare.
"Try not to die, Botanist. You're still the least useless contestant. Technically."
I didn't stop running.
Because apparently, this was the easy part.
I didn't know how long I ran.
Could've been ten minutes. Could've been ten hours. Time sort of warps when you're being chased by botanical anacondas with digestive issues.
Eventually, I finally saw it, the river.
A wide, slow-moving ribbon of water snaking through the jungle. Floating on top were these giant pod-like lilies, all pale green and bulbous, like water balloons on steroids.
More importantly?
The Coilroots weren't following.
They hissed from the treeline, coiled up at the edge of the bank like a bunch of angry garden hoses. One of them tested the water with the tip of its vine... and recoiled immediately with a sizzling hiss.
I blinked.
"Wait... they're afraid of the water?"
Barry poked his head up from my shoulder, staring with wide glowing eyes. I swear he looked like he was about to start clapping.
Still panting, I slumped down at the water's edge. My throat burned. My tongue was dry enough to start a fire. I cupped the water and brought it to my lips.
I took a sip.
And immediately regretted everything.
"BLARGH—WHYYY!??!"
It was salty.
SALTY.
Like chugging warm ocean soup with a dash of plant sweat.
I spat it out, coughing and gagging. Barry covered his face like he was ashamed of me.
"What kind of river is salty?!"
I looked up and down the bank. No sign of an ocean nearby. No seagulls, no tide, no nothing. It looked like regular freshwater. Smelled like freshwater. But it tasted like the bottom of a haunted pretzel factory.
"Shiv?" I muttered, wiping my mouth. "What kind of messed-up ecosystem is this?"
There was no answer. Of course. Shiv only talks when he wants to be annoying.
The pod-lilies on the water drifted closer. They bobbed and rocked with the current, their bulbous tops pulsing faintly like something was alive inside.
"Oh no. Nope. Don't trust those."
I threw a stick at one.
It bounced. Like... rubber.
Barry tilted his head.
"Yeah, I'm confused too."
Then I looked again at the water—how it shimmered strangely in the light. I dipped my hand in and licked a fingertip.
Still salty.
"A river that's too salty for jungle plants... but not for creepy floating pods?"
I looked over at the Coilroots. Still there. Still pissed. Still not crossing the salty river.
And that's when a horrible thought bubbled up in my head:
What if it's not a river... but a defense mechanism? What if the water wasn't naturally salty at all? What if something or someone made it that way—a line in the jungle to keep the dangerous plants on that side?
Maybe I'd just crossed into another territory.
Somewhere new.
Somewhere worse.
The pod-lilies bobbed closer, swaying lazily like they had nothing better to do than haunt my paranoia. I narrowed my eyes.
"Nope. Not falling for it."
Barry poked one of the pods with a tiny leaf finger. It made a soft squelch and jiggled like overcooked jelly. Harmless, maybe. Or a trap. This jungle wasn't known for handing out gifts.
I squinted, held my hand over the strange bulb, and said the magic word.
"Appraise."
A glowing screen blinked to life in the air with Shiv's usual sarcastic flair.
APPRAISAL:
Name: Filter Pod Lily Hydro Lily
Class: Environmental Utility Flora
Function: Natural water filtration. These large floating plants draw in contaminated or saline water, purify it using internal salt crystal membranes, and store drinkable freshwater inside their pods.
Warning: Do not eat the membrane. You will regret it.
Shiv's Comment: Wow, the jungle actually tried to help you, and you almost threw a stick at it. Stellar survival instincts, plant boy.
My jaw dropped.
"Wait... wait WHAT?! These things are portable water filters?!"
Barry threw his arms up in triumph.
I reached forward, a little more respectfully this time, and gently peeled back part of the pod's upper layer. Inside was a clear, bluish liquid, gently sloshing. No weird smells. No floaty bits. No ominous glowing or whispering voices. With my heart thudding, I dipped my fingers in and took a taste.
Cool. Sweet. FRESH.
I nearly cried.
"Oh my god, it's drinkable. It's actually good."
I cupped some into my mouth. Then more. Then way too much until Barry smacked my cheek with a soggyleafy hand, reminding me not to drown myself in it.
I sat back and looked at the cluster of bobbing filter pods around me.
"Okay. I take it back. This planet is only 90% trying to kill me."
Barry gave me a slow, sarcastic nod, as if to say progress.
The salty river still sparkled beyond the lilies, the Coilroots watching but not daring to come closer. I leaned over and whispered to one of the pods.
"Don't suppose you guys can float me downstream to a five-star jungle spa?"
The pod squelched.
"Didn't think so."
Still, this felt like a win. A real one. No claws, no screaming, no hallucinations. Just clean water. I even filled one of my spare jars from the survival pack and patted Barry on the cap.
"We live another day, buddy."
He raised a stubby hand for a high five.
Mental note: Steal at least three of these lily pods. Name one after Barry. Worship them forever.
I wiped my mouth, now feeling only halfway dead instead of 80%, and stared at the other side of the river. That's where I needed to go. The problem was, the Coilroots—snake-like nightmare vines with a taste for human legs—were still writhing along the bank, just out of reach of the water. Their thick, mossy-green bodies coiled and uncoiled like they were warming up for a buffet.
Guess who was at the buffet?
I crouched low behind a cluster of filter pods, watching their patterns. They didn't like the water, I'd noticed. When I'd waded in earlier, even just to my knees, they stopped chasing me like I'd turned into a ghost. Which was weird, considering everything else on this planet wanted me deep-fried and seasoned.
"Okay," I muttered, staring down at my pajama pants and travel shirt—still damp from a panicked river splash. "Maybe the salt is the trick. If they hate the water, maybe they hate the salt."
Barry tilted his cap at me, clearly unconvinced.
"I know, I know. It's a long shot, but it's all I've got unless you can pull out a flamethrower from that squishy little head."
He could not.
So I did the only thing a sane man on an alien plant-infested deathworld would do: I stepped back into the salty river and began rolling around like a potato in seasoning.
Salt, slime, and dignity washed away together. I dunked my clothes, rolled in the shallows, even filled my spare socks with brine like little salt grenades. Barry hopped on a dry rock nearby, watching this madness with a single blinky eye.
"That's right, laugh it up, fungus. Let's see who gets eaten when I smell like ocean-flavored regret."
I sloshed out of the water like a soggy survivor of a tragic seafood buffet, leaving wet footprints behind. My plan was simple: smell so much like salty river, the Coilroots would gag on the scent and slither off.
Just as I was about to test my theory—
DING!
A soft chime echoed through my ears. A notification window bloomed in glowing letters right in front of me.
🌿 Hidden Quest Cleared! 🌿
🌱 "Discovery of Mutual Benefit"
You've identified a native utility plant and survived an encounter by using your head. Congrats, Smartseed.
Reward: 1x Seed of Filter Pod Lily
Shiv's Comment: Huh. Didn't think you'd make it. I was ready to write your eulogy as "Guy Who Licked the Wrong Fern."
I stared at the seed now sitting in my palm—blue-green, pulsing faintly with light. It was warm, like it liked being in my hand. Weird.
I grinned. "Barry, I'm gonna grow us a whole dang water park out of this."
Barry clapped like a proud fungal father.
Tucking the seed into my bag, I turned toward the line of waiting Coilroots across the riverbank.
"Alright, stink noodles. Time to see if you like your meat marinated in brine and poor life choices."
And with Barry on my shoulder and wet socks sloshing in my boots, I marched forward, ready to bluff my way through this botanical horror show.