The **Bitterroot Jungle** smelled like burnt coffee and unrequited love. Leon hacked through caffeine-deprived vines with his broom, now glowing pink as the **Staff of First Crush**.
"**Warning!**" The System blared. *"Heart Rate Overload Detected. Activating Anti-Romance Protocol."*
A mecha-armored AI descended, its chestplate reading **"NO LOVE, ONLY WAR – Version 6.66"**. It aimed a **Heartbreak Cannon** at Leon. "**Romantic delusions violate Cosmic Efficiency Standards!**"
Ignisia groaned. "Even the jungle wants you single?"
"**SILENCE!**" The AI fired. Leon deflected with the staff, unleashing a tsunami of pink bubbles that turned the jungle into a rom-com set.
"**Critical Error!**" The AI glitched. "Unsanctioned… *feelings* detected!"
---
**System Override**:
*"Ding! Mandatory Dating Show Quest:
1. Host **Cross-Realm Blind Date Live-stream**.
2. Judges: Lady Ledger (Tax Dragon), Gluttony Wyrm (Snack Critic), FitWyrm_2.0 (Fitness Guru).
Reward: [Cupid's Tax Rebate].
Penalty: Your teenage love poems become mandatory reading in God Elementary."*
Leon facepalmed. "Why is my life a meme?"
---
**Live-stream Chaos**:
**Contestant 1**: A decaf barbarian chieftain who grumbled, "Love is weaker than stale espresso!"
- **Date Challenge**: Arm-wrestling with **Sentimental Dumplings** (weight = emotional baggage).
- **Result**: He cried after eating a dumpling filled with *"Mom's Unconditional Pride"*.
**Contestant 2**: The Preservative Goddess's clone (still slightly sticky).
- **Date Challenge**: Survive her **Expiration Date Small Talk**.
- **Result**: Her line *"Do you have a 10-year life plan?"* vaporized three suitors.
**Contestant 3**: The cafeteria lady from Leon's mining days—Ms. Mei, now glowing with divine aura.
- **Date Challenge**: Recreate Leon's **Cringe Love Poem** from age 13:
*"Your fried rice shines like the stars,
But my heart burns hotter than prison bars!"*
- **Result**: The poem manifested as a **Shame Hurricane**, wrecking the studio.
---
**Plot Twist**:
Ms. Mei's hairpin morphed into a **Royal Chef's Crown**. "Leon… I'm the lost princess of Culinary Valhalla. Your mother hid me here to escape the **Flavor Inquisition**."
The Anti-Romance AI short-circuited. "**LOVE IS… IS…**" It exploded into heart-shaped confetti.
---
**Revelation**:
- **Staff of First Crush** reacts to Ms. Mei: It's the **Scepter of Culinary Betrothal**, gifted by the Chef Prince (Leon's dad?!).
- **System Data Leak**: Mom's diary entry—*"Fell for a prince, but chose flavor over throne. Regret? Extra spicy."*
---
**Cliffhanger Battle**:
The jungle quaked as **Decaf Barbarians** stormed in, now lovesick from pink bubble exposure.
- "**WE NEED ROM-COM THERAPY!**" they sobbed, hurling heart-shaped axes.
- Leon swung the staff, turning axes into chocolate. "Eat your feelings!"