So... Imagine the most intense staring contest in history.
Now add some Adepti, a bunch of angry-looking Qixing members, sprinkle in the smell of leftover sea monster battle, and that's where we were.
And when I say tense, I don't mean the kind of tension where you can just awkwardly shuffle away and pretend you forgot something on the stove. No. This was "breathe wrong and someone might summon a meteor" kind of tense.
"The Adepti must focus their protection on the people!" Keqing insisted, arms crossed, looking like she was about two seconds from throwing hands. She had that spark in her eyes — the one that made you wonder if getting electrocuted would be covered by insurance.
"Our ways are not to be questioned," Cloud Retainer said, sounding like someone who read the Terms and Conditions out loud for fun. Every word she spoke sounded like it carried the weight of a thousand years of "I told you so."
Meanwhile, I stood there, arms limp at my sides, watching the most awkward debate in the history of forever. Like, imagine being stuck between two relatives arguing at a family reunion, except one of them can control storms and the other can shoot lasers out of their hands.
And I was losing brain cells by the second.
Lumine whispered beside me, "Should we... do something?"
I shrugged. "I mean, technically, this is none of our business, right?" My survival instincts were screaming at me to stay out of it. And normally, I listen to them. Normally.
And yet, somehow, I found my body moving forward.
My mouth opened.
And against every warning sign in my brain, I said:
"Alright, alright, listen to the greatest mind speaking."
Dead. Silence.
Deadpan stares.
I could literally hear a Seelie in the distance awkwardly stop glowing just to stare at me.
Lumine looked like she wanted to melt into the floor.
Xiao gave me a look that said, "Say one more word and I'll yeet you into the stratosphere."
Undeterred -because I'm an idiot and at this point, it's basically a personality trait,- I coughed dramatically and continued.
"Listen, all of you are bound by contracts, right?" I waved my arms like a motivational speaker who had absolutely no clue what he was doing but was still somehow on stage. "Just... protect Liyue in your own ways. Stop fighting about who's better at it. It's like fighting over who has the better fried tofu recipe. At the end of the day, we just want to eat, not start World War Tofu."
A moment passed.
Then another.
Cloud Retainer blinked slowly.
Keqing actually looked like she was thinking about it.
Lumine gave me a thumbs up behind her back, and it was the most encouraging yet "please shut up now" thumbs up I've ever seen.
AND HOLY CRAP.
It worked.
The Adepti and the Qixing finally agreed. Just like that. Like flipping a light switch. Or like turning off an oven you forgot was still on — except, you know, if the oven could level a mountain.
I, Shigeru, Professional Disaster, had actually solved a major political crisis by bullshitting my way through it.
Historic moment.
"Very well," Cloud Retainer said, voice heavy with the weight of "I'm not happy about this but fine."
"We shall each protect Liyue in our own ways," Ningguang nodded, looking like she might still throw rock boulders towards someone just out of habit.
And just like that, peace was restored.
I wiped an imaginary tear. "My brain cell... it didn't die in vain."
After that miracle -seriously, someone needs to start documenting my achievements in a museum or something,- we gathered ourselves to prepare for the next step.
Everyone started moving, but I caught Keqing just as she was turning away.
I grinned at her and walked over, pulling out an apple, because who wouldn't carry random fruit around after a battle? Honestly, it's basic adventurer etiquette.
"We make a great team, don't we?" I said, offering the apple with a flourish like some kind of medieval knight offering a sacred relic, except the relic was a half-bruised apple I probably forgot I had.
Keqing stared at it.
Then at me.
Then at the apple.
And in that moment, I felt like the biggest dork in the entire continent.
"...Thanks," she said, taking it with the daintiest motion ever, like the apple might explode if handled incorrectly.
"See you around," I said, giving her my best "cool guy" wink, which in reality probably looked more like I got dust in my eye.
Then I turned and walked off.
Did I trip over a rock immediately after?
Yes.
Did I pretend it was on purpose?
Absolutely.
I even threw in a casual spin and everything, like "ha-ha, yes, behold my agile footwork, you mere mortals." No one was buying it. Not even myself.
Lumine caught up to me, looking equal parts amused and concerned, which is basically her default setting when dealing with me.
"Where are we headed now?" she asked, and there was that little glint in her eye, the one that said she was fully prepared for whatever nonsense was about to come out of my mouth.
I smirked.
"To the old lizard."
Lumine blinked. Once. Twice. Processing.
"...You mean Zhongli?"
"Exactly."
"You can't just call him an old lizard, you know."
"I can and I will," I said proudly. "It's called a nickname. It's a sign of respect."
Paimon, floating nearby, sighed loudly, doing her best impression of someone who had given up on life. "Pretty sure that's the opposite of respect."
I waved my hand dismissively. "Details."
Besides, it's not like Zhongli would be offended. If anything, he'd probably nod sagely and explain that yes, technically speaking, he was indeed a very old, very dignified lizard.
And so, with the grace and majesty of a traveling circus that had lost half its performers, two of its elephants, and all sense of dignity, we made our way to The Northland Bank. I mean where can you find the God who's been pretending to be dead but to the enemy territory, right? Totally understandable.
And clearly, nothing could possibly go wrong next.
Right?
Or so we thought.
***
You ever have one of those days where you wake up thinking, "Man, I'm gonna be so cool today," and then life throws you straight into a pit of chaos where you call a Fatui Harbinger "Mommy" in front of everyone?
Yeah. That's today. It's the kind of day that starts with a good intention and ends with me questioning my entire existence. Like, who let me out in public?
"Alright," I announced, striking a pose in front of the Northland Bank as if I were about to step onto a stage. "Time to make some new enemies. Or friends. I don't judge. You know, diversity is the spice of life."
Paimon floated beside me, giving me a skeptical look that I could feel burning through her wide eyes. "You sure about this, Shigeru?" she asked, voice tinged with more than a little concern.
"Nope," I said, grinning like I was ready for whatever disaster was coming next. "But you know what they say, if it isn't an absolute trainwreck, is it really even worth doing?"
Paimon just sighed and shook her head.
I pushed open the door with all the flair of someone who definitely wasn't expecting trouble. "But that never stopped us before," I added, stepping inside with my usual combination of bravado and complete lack of forethought.
Inside, the air was so thick with "I'm-better-than-you" energy that you could practically swim in it. I think I even started to taste the smugness. It was like chewing on a velvet glove while someone judged your entire bloodline, and trust me, that's not a pleasant experience.
And then—
"-should've told me the plan!" Childe's voice echoed down the marble halls, loud enough that I'm pretty sure even the pigeons outside heard him. "Cooperation involves all parties! That's why COMMUNICATION EXISTS, you know!"
I slapped a hand over my mouth to muffle my laughter.
Somebody's feeling left out of the secret evil handshake club, I thought, enjoying the moment way too much for my own good.
"Come now, Childe," Signora's voice floated out like silk on a wind of pure smugness. "Don't take it to heart. You got to skip all the formalities and unleash a little chaos upon the land. I'm sure you enjoyed that."
And that's when her eyes landed on us.
"Oh," she purred, her tone smooth and predatory, "It seems your friends have arrived."
Friends.
Ha.
If only she knew the truth.
Before I could stop myself, I opened my mouth and let the first stupid thing come out.
"The mommy— I mean, the baddie— I mean, SIGNORA is here!" I blurted, instantly regretting it the moment the words left my mouth.
Instant regret. Instant combustion.
I could feel Paimon and Lumine physically cringe beside me. It was like I had just set fire to my own brain and offered it as a snack to the Fatui.
"Fuck my brain and its auto-simp mode always on," I muttered under my breath.
Paimon stared at me, her face frozen in an expression that could only be described as pure disbelief. I could practically hear her thoughts screaming, Did he seriously just say that?
Meanwhile, Childe looked like he had been hit by a truck, the kind of tired that settles deep in your bones, the kind that comes from contemplating every poor life choice that led to this exact moment.
Sometimes when you're standing at the edge of a cliff, it's better to jump than to slip, I thought to myself.
And, naturally, I jumped.
I threw both hands up in mock surrender, leaning into the absurdity of the situation. "Come on! It was legit a good experience! Character growth and all! Character growth by trauma, man!"
Signora actually laughed at that.
Not a mocking laugh, either. A real, genuine laugh that caught me completely off guard. It was like hearing a siren's song, only with more knives and a lot less drowning.
If this wasn't the weirdest timeline, I don't know what is.
Lumine cracked her knuckles, clearly not in the mood for any of this nonsense. "She's here again..." she muttered under her breath, her tone like the sound of grinding metal.
I, being the world's self-proclaimed peace ambassador—and chaos ambassador, depending on the hour—threw an arm across Lumine's chest dramatically. "Let them cook."
Lumine blinked at me. "What?"
"Yeah, let 'em cook, man," I said sagely, like I had just imparted the wisdom of the ages. "You know. Geez. Let them do their evil mastermind business."
Paimon, meanwhile, was whispering urgently to Lumine, her eyes wide. "Is he okay?"
No, Paimon.
I was never okay.
Signora's smile stretched into something even more predatory. "We met in Mondstadt, didn't we? The City of Bards? I'm still flattered you remembered my name."
She tucked a strand of snowy hair behind her ear, all grace and poise. I was about to mutter something stupid again but held it in with the force of a thousand Archons.
She added casually, voice like a knife dipped in honey, "Ah, right. I imagine it must've been rather hard to forget, watching helplessly as something precious was snatched away from your friend."
Ouch.
Direct hit. Critical damage.
Paimon floated closer to Lumine, ready to step in and prevent her from turning the entire building into a crater. But me? I was already in the zone. I scratched my head and let out a laugh that sounded way too natural.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I said, brushing it off like it was nothing. "But man, all I could really remember was that crazy face-grab you gave me."
I pointed a finger at her, like I was accusing her of some terrible crime.
"Totally mommy vibes."
There was a beat of silence so thick you could've cut it with a rusty spoon.
"What?" Signora said, narrowing her eyes like I had just committed a cardinal sin.
"WHAT?!" everyone else shouted in unison, their voices like a chorus of disbelief.
Childe nearly choked on air, looking like he was ready to die from secondhand embarrassment.
Paimon started frantically doing the sign of the cross, a star, and maybe some exorcism dance.
Lumine covered her face with both hands, groaning into them. "I don't know him. I don't know him."
I just chuckled awkwardly, realizing just how deep into the hole I had dug. "Uhhh.... did I say something messed up again?"
Childe, meanwhile, was still making wet cat noises behind Signora, like a feral animal trying to hold in its inner frustration.
Speaking of which...
I turned to him, grinning wide enough to split my face. "Yo, was the beating I gave you feel great?"
Childe bared his teeth at me, looking like an overenthusiastic puppy that had somehow been given rabies.
"Tch." he said, actually hissing at me. He was full-on feral at this point. I could practically hear the sound of his soul leaving his body.
Before my stupidity could escalate into full WWE Raw, Lumine cut in, all business now.
"So. What's happening now?" she asked, her voice as sharp as a blade.
I blinked, processing the situation for a moment. Then I slapped both hands onto her shoulders, grinning like a camp counselor who was way too invested in their kids' drama.
"They just made a transaction," I said, all business. "Ain't that right, old man?"
Zhongli, who had been the picture of silent suffering this whole time, gave a small nod. His gaze was soft but carrying the weight of a thousand unsaid things.
Signora turned to him, all regal and icy, like a queen who had just claimed victory. "You remember the agreement, Morax. Now, if you would be so kind... The Gnosis, please."
Lumine tensed beside me, ready to go full murder-hobo mode.
I quickly shook my head, leaning in closer to her. "Let it happen," I whispered, though I could feel the tension creeping up.
She shot me a side-eye so sharp that I almost tripped again.
Zhongli straightened his posture, voice deep as the mountains themselves.
"The contract is fulfilled," he intoned, his words heavy with finality. "That which thou seeketh is now bestowed unto thee, for my promise is solid as stone."
Dramatic much.
He handed over the Gnosis.
Signora smirked triumphantly, cradling the glowing object like it was the last donut at a police station.
"Heh..." she chuckled low, her tone dripping with satisfaction. "Well then. With the Gnosis in my possession, I have no use for such idle chatter."
She flicked a hand at Childe dismissively.
"We should return to Zapolyarny Palace and seek an audience with Her Majesty, the Tsaritsa. Come, Childe."
Childe crossed his arms, sulking like a child who had just lost their favorite toy.
"Ugh. Fine," he muttered. "I'll meet you there later. I'm not sharing a boat with the likes of you."
"Hmph. Do as you wish."
And me? I waved like an idiot.
"Bye bye, Fatui Baddie," I chirped. Then, dropping my tone to something more serious, "See you around. And... be safe."
Signora tossed a lazy wave over her shoulder as she left, high heels clicking like gunshots in the silence.
Childe paused before leaving, looking back at me.
I met his gaze, offering a half-smile.
"That was a nice fight we had last time," I said, feeling oddly sentimental.
His lips twitched, the ghost of a smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.
"Let's share some more in the future," I added with a wink.
And for the first time in a while, he actually smiled. A real one. Not the smug Fatui PR smile. A real one.
We nodded at each other like two idiots who respected each other's braincell-less battle prowess.
And then they were gone.
Leaving just me, Lumine, Paimon, and Zhongli.
Lumine immediately rounded on Zhongli, hands on her hips like a disappointed teacher.
"About the Gnosis," she said. "You gave it to her just like that? Was there any reason?"
Zhongli closed his eyes for a moment, like he was gathering his thoughts before he spoke.
"I have been the deity of Liyue for years," he said calmly, his voice soft but heavy with the weight of his words. "I would not enter a contract without benefit."
He looked at me then. Softly. Almost fondly.
"It was my final contract. Or so I thought."
I stiffened at his words, feeling the heavy weight of them settling into my chest.
He turned back to Lumine and Paimon.
"For you two," he said gently, "it is up to you how you will unravel the contract along your journey."
Man, why you gotta make everything sound so poetic?
I sighed dramatically, brushing it off like it was nothing.
"Let's go. We're done here."
And because life hates me...
I tripped.
Smashed my knee on the polished marble like a true champion.
I hopped up immediately, brushing it off like it was part of the choreography.
"Totally meant to do that," I said smoothly, trying to salvage some dignity.
Paimon snorted.
Lumine facepalmed, shaking her head.
Zhongli smiled faintly, as if this, too, was a part of his thousand-year calculations.
Cool exit? Secured.
__________________________________
End of Chapter 29
Quest Completed:
*Navigate the political tensions between the Adepti, the Qixing, and other factions while making peace and surviving long enough to get some Gnosis action.
Rewards:
*Unexpected Respect from the Adepti and Qixing
*+10 reputation among Liyue's elite
*A Thanks from the Legendary Cat Lady
*+5 teamwork and cohesion