You know, there's a certain peace that washes over you when you're lying flat on the cold, expensive marble floor of the Golden House, feeling like every bone in your body has been swapped out with mashed potatoes.
"Ahh… sweet victory…" I muttered, my arm dramatically thrown over my eyes like some tragic hero on their deathbed. "Childe, you bastard… you owe me a drink after that ass-kicking."
For a few seconds, there was nothing but silence. Just me, the bloodstains, the broken ground... and then,
RUMBLE.
My eyeball twitched.
A second rumble, louder this time, followed by... the sky darkening.
"Huh...?" I lifted my head, slow as hell, like I was trying to process some absurd dream. A swirling vortex of angry ocean water exploded from the heavens, lighting up the sky with a violent energy.
My first thought?
BROOOOOOOOOOOOO.
"I JUST DEFEATED CHILDE!!" I screamed at the sky like a man betrayed by the very gods themselves.
And then... the realization hit me like a frying pan to the face.
"Oh…" I blinked, then squinted, the horror creeping in. "I didn't… take the sigils of permission off of him."
A single, broken laugh escaped me, the kind you give when you know you've royally screwed up.
And then I sucked in the biggest breath of my life.
"FUUUUUCCCCCKKKK!!!!"
Minor miscalculation. Tiny mistake. Could happen to anyone, right?!
Wrong.
I scrambled to my feet, my shoes squeaking embarrassingly on the marble like a startled mouse. With zero grace, I teleported straight to the Jade Chamber, where I was sure the cavalry was already waiting.
Lumine spun around the second I materialized, nearly tripping over my own foot in the process.
"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?! We're in big trouble!" she barked, looking about as close to murdering me as she could without actually doing it.
"I KICKED CHILDE'S ASS!" I retorted, throwing my arms up like I'd just won the lottery. "AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'BIG TROUBLE'?! THAT BASTARD WATER DRAGON IS GIGANTIC!!"
I pointed dramatically toward the chaos outside, where Osial's slimy, many-headed tentacles were already flailing around like discount wacky inflatable tube men at a summer sale.
Lumine facepalmed so hard I could hear the sound echoing throughout the room.
Ningguang, ever the cool-headed strategist, turned to the Adepti, her voice icy with authority. "We must not let that creature approach Liyue Harbor."
Keqing, voice sharp and commanding, added, "Defend it at all costs!"
And then my brain completely shut down. I mean, sure, it wasn't a good time to be spacing out, but—
CAT LADY.
COMMANDING.
QUEEN.
So naturally, I slammed a hand over my chest and shouted as if I were an ancient knight swearing fealty:
"AS YOU COMMAND, MY CAT LADY QUEEN!!"
There were a few awkward, confused stares, but I couldn't care less. Sometimes, love makes you do stupid things.
Lumine, now looking like she was seconds away from either strangling me or going back to bed, snapped, "HOW are we supposed to stop THAT?!" She gestured angrily at Osial like he'd just snatched her favorite dessert and dared to eat it.
I scratched the back of my head, trying to come up with something that didn't sound like total nonsense. "Uh... Mommy Bird—I mean, Cloud Retainer, the Guizhong Ballista is working, right?"
Cloud Retainer, clearly not as amused as me, let out a weary sigh. The kind that says, 'I'm too old for this shit.'
"It is operational," she said stiffly, as if the idea of actually being useful today was just too much.
I clapped my hands together, suddenly re-energized. "PERFECT! TIME TO FUCK 'EM UP!!"
Ningguang wasted no time, summoning three massive Guizhong Ballistas, locking them into place around the Jade Chamber with a confidence that only someone as cool as her could exude. The Adepti moved swiftly, like seasoned war veterans loading up for battle.
Barrage after barrage rained down on Osial, who screeched in rage, his heads twisting and thrashing as though he had just gotten the world's worst hangover.
Just when I thought I was going to finally take a sip of sweet, sweet victory air—because of course, it's never that easy—an ominous, gaping portal ripped open in the sky.
And Fatui agents started pouring out like clowns from a tiny, overcrowded car.
"Oh COME ON!" I whined, looking up at the sky in disbelief.
Lumine didn't hesitate. Without missing a beat, she unsheathed her sword and yelled, "CHARGE!"
I turned dramatically to Keqing, offering my hand like a dashing idiot in some high-budget romance flick.
"Shall we dance, milady?"
She smirked, placed her fingers lightly against mine, and said, "Try to keep up, idiot."
And then we charged.
Fatui agents swarmed us like angry bees, but Keqing and I? We moved through them like a hot knife through butter.
Every step she took, I matched.
Every flick of her sword, I mirrored with a lazy spin of my twin daggers.
It wasn't just fighting—it was a goddamn waltz.
Keqing dashed forward, slicing a Skirmisher's Warhammer clean in two. I slid under her, kicked the poor bastard in the nuts so hard, I'm pretty sure his grandchildren will feel it.
She leapt, spinning in midair. I caught her mid-twirl like we were in the middle of some dramatic ballroom lift, then launched her higher into the air, where she rained down a beautiful storm of lightning.
"Not bad for an idiot," she called down from above, her voice teasing.
"You're lucky I'm handsome!" I yelled back, grinning like a maniac.
A pair of Pyro Agents lunged at me, and I threw up a Geo shield with one hand while Anemo currents whipped around my daggers in the other.
"SWIRLY DEATH!" I yelled as I spun like some idiot ballerina, sending them straight into the air with a gust of wind.
Keqing landed beside me, smirking. "You named your attack 'Swirly Death'?"
"Come on, it works!!"
We fought back to back, an unstoppable duo of pure chaotic energy and precision.
Every time I messed up a parry, she was there to zap the enemy before they could hit me.
Every time she left her flank open, I was there, clumsily but somehow effectively blocking with my shield.
We were... kinda awesome.
Not that I'd ever admit it out loud. I had a reputation to maintain.
Amid the chaos, I glanced back at the Jade Chamber.
Osial's heads were getting closer.
Too close.
If we didn't keep those Fatui bastards off the ballistas, Liyue Harbor is toast.
"Keqing!" I yelled, ducking under a Halberd swing. "We can't let them reach the ballistas!!"
"Then MOVE YOUR ASS!" she shouted back, her voice sharp but filled with urgency.
Music to my ears.
Together, we tore a path straight through the remaining Fatui.
Lumine, Ganyu, Xiao, and the others were holding strong elsewhere, but this patch of battlefield? This was ours.
My Geo element flared golden under my feet as I summoned a massive wall of jagged rocks, pinning half the enemy forces down.
Keqing sliced through the air, summoning a storm of Electro energy that made my hair stand up in the best way possible.
The last few Fatui grunts froze, terror washing over their faces like they'd just seen a ghost.
I grinned like a madman, cracking my knuckles.
"Your move, assholes."
We finished them off in a dazzling, messy, probably incredibly uncoordinated finale.
But hell, it WORKED.
The ballistas were safe.
The Adepti could go all out.
And Liyue still stood.
I collapsed onto the ground, panting like I'd just run a marathon.
Keqing stood over me, her sword resting lazily on her shoulder, looking only mildly winded.
"You're not half bad when you try," she said, offering me a hand.
I took it, letting her haul me up like a ragdoll.
"You're not half bad at carrying my sorry ass either, cat lady queen," I wheezed, giving her a thumbs-up.
She rolled her eyes so hard I thought they'd fall out of her head.
Lumine jogged over, sweaty and pissed off.
"You owe me a MONTH'S worth of dinners after this!" she yelled, pointing at me.
"Put it on my tab!" I grinned, throwing my arms wide.
And then—because it just couldn't stop, could it?—Osial screamed again, and the entire Jade Chamber shook.
I paled.
"Oh shit, right. We're not done yet."
It wasn't over.
It REALLY wasn't over.
I knew it the moment that giant sea snake—Osial—let out the kind of shriek that could shatter mountains and probably my poor, fragile sanity. It was like every angry cat in Teyvat merged into one enormous, screeching monster, and guess who had a front row seat? Yeah. Yours truly.
"OH, YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME!" I screamed, flailing around uselessly as Osial charged up another attack.
And then it happened.
Big-ass Hydro beam. Straight into the sky.
At first, I thought, "Huh. Pretty light show."
Until it started raining.
But not normal rain. Oh no.
HYDRO. ENERGY. BOMBS.
"DODGE IT!" Lumine yelled.
And listen. A normal, rational person would hear "dodge it" and move the heck out of the way.
But me? Shigeru?
Nah.
I thought, "What if I just…parry it?"
Genius. Absolute peak intelligence.
So there I was, standing there like a lunatic, swinging my sword at incoming death raindrops like I was trying out for "Liyue's Got Talent."
CLANG!
THWACK!
BOOM!
"YEAH! COME AT ME, YOU DUMB WATER ORBS!" I howled triumphantly, deflecting one after another.
Somehow, it was working.
It was working way too well.
Until the platform beneath us said "Nope" and shattered.
CRAAAAAAACK.
"...Uh oh."
CRASH.
And suddenly—falling.
Lots of falling.
An endless, screaming, arms-flailing, legs-kicking kind of falling.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH—"
I was falling and screaming.
Screaming and falling.
Occasionally inhaling just to scream louder.
At some point, I swear I passed another guy who was also falling and screaming, and we just high-fived midair out of pure mutual suffering.
Through my spiraling, dramatic descent, I spotted Xiao—that edgy little gremlin—swooping in like an emo superhero.
He snatched Lumine out of the air like it was just another Tuesday for him.
"HEY! THAT'S MY PARTNER, YOU MASKED EMO!" I bellowed.
Xiao didn't even look at me.
He just zipped off into the clouds with Lumine like the unbothered king of ignoring my existence.
"FINE!" I huffed. "I'LL TAKE YOUR YUHENG INSTEAD!"
Cue: Shigeru's brain activating exactly one brain cell for a plan.
I locked onto Keqing—who, by the way, was STILL looking elegant while plummeting to her potential death—and immediately started bouncing across falling debris like some cracked-out mountain goat.
THUNK.
BAM.
"SORRY! EXCUSE ME! COMING THROUGH!"
One heroic leap later, I snagged Keqing in a very majestic, probably very inappropriate bridal carry.
"Gotcha!" I grinned.
She didn't stab me, so I'm counting that as a win.
We crash-landed onto the drifting Jade Chamber—which was somehow still floating (kind of?) thanks to Ningguang and the Adepti working overtime.
Around us, chaos.
Debris falling.
Osial getting closer.
The end of the world basically knocking politely on our front door.
"Sooooo..." I wheezed, wobbling to my feet with Keqing still in my arms. "Anyone got, y'know, a Plan B?"
Ningguang—cool, collected, majestic Ningguang—just turned to us and said, "We'll use the Jade Chamber."
I blinked.
"...Use it for what, exactly?" I asked, because apparently, I have a death wish.
"As a weapon."
Silence.
I gawked at her.
"YOU WANNA THROW THE ENTIRE BUILDING AT THE SEA MONSTER?!"
She nodded serenely, like she was suggesting we have tea.
I turned to Keqing, who just shrugged helplessly, like this was Tuesday for her.
I turned to the Adepti, who were all just radiating "yeah this tracks" energy.
I turned to the heavens.
"WHY IS EVERYONE HERE CRAZIER THAN ME?!"
But did that stop the plan?
Of course not. This was part of the plot.
Cue Lumine getting some god-tier power boost from the Adepti -where's my free upgrade, huh?- and plunging her sword into the platform.
The Jade Chamber started to descend.
Slowly.
Majestically.
Like a giant, vengeful meteor of pure real estate.
"OH MY ARCHONS IT'S HAPPENING," I shrieked, shaking Keqing dramatically and she did not appreciate that.
Ningguang stood at the edge, her hair billowing, looking like an absolute boss.
"This Jade Chamber," she said, voice steady, "will be rebuilt. Stronger. Mightier. More beautiful."
And me?
I was sobbing.
Ugly crying.
"YOU BRAVE, BEAUTIFUL BUILDING! YOU DESERVED RETIREMENT, NOT THIS!"
BOOOOOOOOOOM!
The Jade Chamber slammed into Osial like the wrath of a thousand angry gods. The entire sea exploded into a tower of water. The ground shook like it was trying to eject us off the planet.
And me?
Laid out flat on the Harbor.
Staring at the sky.
Feeling every bone in my body file for early retirement.
"Ughhhh..." I groaned, rolling over like a dying fish.
Everyone else around me looked equally dead inside.
Except for Xiao, who still looked like he wanted to stab the air itself.
Typical.
As the dust settled, I dragged myself upright, cradling my poor aching head.
And in my heart, the most important thought surfaced...
Dang...
I really wanted to keep the Jade Chamber intact so I could skip the rebuilding quest...
Now we gotta talk to a billion NPCs, build ten thousand planks of wood, hammer nails while getting side-eyed by construction dudes, grind materials for twenty-four hours straight, and THEN maybe, JUST MAYBE, get a boat to Inazuma.
I sighed.
Long.
Heavy.
Soul-crushing.
"This..." I whispered, voice raspy with defeat, "was a mission... successfully failed."
And with that, I slumped face-first into the ground.
Again.
Because apparently, gravity wasn't done bullying me today.
But hey.
Small wins, right?
I got to save a girl while plummeting through the sky like some dumbass superhero.
That's gotta count for something.
Probably.
Maybe.
...
Nah, we're still screwed.
"Someone wake me up when we invent fast travel," I mumbled into the dirt...
_____________________________________
End of Chapter 28
Quest Completed:
*Survive Osial's attack while keeping your dignity intact,
*Save Keqing while falling through the sky like a total badass, and
*Support Ningguang in using the Jade Chamber to smash Osial.
Rewards:
*+200 XP Points,
*10,000 Mora (Scrapped inside the Jade Chamber before it falls),
*+5 Relationship Points with Keqing,
*+50% Hydro Resistance for 10 minutes (While you're in freefall or being chased by angry sea monsters.), and
* +5% faster building speed (because you're definitely going to have to rebuild the Jade Chamber now).