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Kifune was a man of simple tastes. He had two goals in life: to be ruthless and to collect corpses. That's it. Just two adjectives. Simple, right? But life, as it turns out, has a funny way of complicating even the simplest of plans.
Theoretically, the more people died in Konoha, the happier Kifune would be. More corpses, more rewards, more power. It was a straightforward equation. But there was a tiny problem—Kifune wasn't as heartless as he liked to pretend. Deep down, he was the kind of guy who couldn't just stand by and watch people die. And that, dear readers, was a real buzzkill for his "ruthless corpse collector" persona.
Yuhi Shinku, the ever-persistent Jonin, had been trying to recruit Kifune for some mission or another. He even offered him a cigarette as a bribe. A cigarette. Kifune almost laughed. Who did this guy think he was dealing with? A broke Genin with no self-respect? Please. Kifune had already absorbed the combat experience of senior ninjas like Miura Ichigo and Akagi Tsukasa. He wasn't some rookie who could be bought off with a smoke.
"No," Kifune said flatly, sucking his teeth like a bored teenager. "I'm good."
Yuhi Shinku's eye twitched. He was clearly not used to being rejected, especially by a civilian ninja who looked like he'd rather nap than save the world. "Why not?" he pressed, trying to keep his cool. "I can teach you ninja experience. Reduce future dangers. You know, important stuff."
Kifune rolled over on his rocking chair, adopting the iconic "Ge You slouch" pose. "Look, Senior Zhenhong, I appreciate the offer, but I'm just here to collect corpses. Quietly. Peacefully. No drama. There are plenty of other ninjas in Konoha who'd jump at the chance to work with you. Kakashi, for example. He's not bad."
Yuhi Shinku's jaw tightened. He took a deep breath, probably to stop himself from strangling Kifune right then and there. "I think you and I are… destined to work together," he said, forcing a smile.
Kifune raised an eyebrow. "Destined? Really? That's your pitch?"
"Fine," Yuhi Shinku growled, losing patience. "I'll tell you a secret if you stop being so stubborn."
Kifune perked up slightly. Secrets were always interesting. "Go on."
"Asuma is chasing your daughter."
The effect was immediate. Yuhi Shinku shot up from his chair like a rocket, his face a mix of horror and rage. "I knew it!" he hissed, pacing back and forth. "That little—"
Without another word, he vanished in a puff of smoke, presumably to hunt down Asuma and give him a piece of his mind. Kifune chuckled to himself. Poor Asuma. He'd already tricked him once, and now this? The guy was never going to catch a break.
With Yuhi Shinku gone, Kifune finally had some peace and quiet. He stretched out in his chair, basking in the afternoon sun like a contented cat. Life was good. Or at least, it was until he remembered something important.
"Wait," he muttered, sitting up. "Did I forget something? I feel like I forgot something…"
He scratched his head, trying to recall what it was. But the sun was warm, the breeze was gentle, and his brain was firmly in "salted fish" mode. "Eh, whatever," he decided, lying back down. "I'll figure it out later."
Meanwhile, outside the Land of Fire, Kakashi was struggling to support an injured Ito Shu as they limped toward Konoha. If Kifune had remembered, he might've felt a twinge of guilt. But alas, he didn't. And so, the world kept turning.
As night fell, Kifune woke up shivering. The evening breeze was cold, biting into his bones. He tightened his clothes and rubbed his hands together, trying to warm up. But despite the chill, his heart was racing with excitement. It was time for the main event: corpse touching.
He made his way to the morgue, where the bodies of Kaguya Chiren and Kurishimaru Yamato were waiting. "Alright, let's see if I can recoup some of my losses," he muttered, cracking his knuckles. "If not, I'm gonna be broke and useless. Not a good combo."
Before touching the corpses, Kifune performed his usual ritual. He cleaned and "beautified" the bodies, treating them with respect. After all, the dead deserved dignity, even if they'd been enemies in life. Kaguya Chiren's body was… well, let's just say it was a challenge. But Kifune did his best.
Finally, it was time. The system prompt appeared before him:
[Yellow corpse, success rate 30%, would you like to touch the corpse? (This time 3/3, today 9/9)]
Kifune grinned. "Oh, it's on."
He selected [Yes!] and braced himself for whatever came next. After all, in the world of a ruthless corpse collector, every touch was a gamble. And Kifune? He was feeling lucky.
Writer's Note:
Ah, Kifune. The man who wants to be ruthless but can't help being a softie deep down. Will he ever achieve his dream of being a cold, emotionless corpse collector? Probably not. But hey, at least he's entertaining. And let's not forget poor Asuma, who's about to get the scare of his life. Stay tuned, folks. The drama is just getting started
To be continued...
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