June
Emptiness and yearning. I knew the difference between both. I felt the former with Lucas and I found myself yearning for him. It is very strange. The very first time I met him and I felt every dead feeling come alive. I wanted our conversations again, I wanted to bask in the way he looked at me. Worshipping at every step I had made behind me. No one needs to point out a man who knew what he wanted but wasn't it too soon? As much as Lucas still hurt me, said nasty words to me. Still I wanted to pull through with the divorce. I couldn't stand and watch him replace my with that bitch. I couldn't do it. I was already dying inside and watching my fears come to life would send me to my grave quicker.
I hunched on the couch in the living room. I had missed two days at the hospital, already and right now, trying to cut myself from Lucas was going to require financial stability. I couldn't afford to miss any more shift but I couldn't get myself out of the couch as the voice I heard over Khloe's end, rang in my head a thousand times over. I didn't know what else to do to transcribe that sweet voice. I could have sworn that it was Damian I heard. Khloe was the kind to not tell you about her adventures with anyone until she was ready. I had a lot going on, I don't think I would be invested in her sex life as I used to be. Tears has died up into a tight knot in my chest. Thinking about Damian, how ever comforting was the least of my worries. Lucas's mockery rang in my head too. "You think a baby is going to make me beg?" Him begging was not my goal but acknowledging his sins against our sacred marriage was what I just wanted from him. He didn't have to apologize, I just want my marriage back, I wanted that whore out of our lives for good.
'i don't know what I am going to do...' I buried my face in my hands. My hands drifted to my stomach as I held on to the thought of hope. My baby, the secret of my pregnancy was not much of a secret anymore. Kyra mocked me about it, Lucas didn't believe me enough that he did the same as well. I can't bring a child into a toxic home. An empty place, where its father prefers the thighs of another woman. I am being given a choice to hold on to this or let it go. Would I regret it? The weight of this pressed heavily on me, nothing else made sense. 'i wished someone could hold me and tell me that I was going to get through this.' I knew Lucas was incapable of keeping his emotions towards me. Damian. I mentally hated myself by wanting another man when I have crossed ties with the billionaire whom I thought was the love of my life. I had relocated to my wing in the mansion and every where felt dark and gloomy. My mind still danced to the voice I heard. I knew I would have to speak to Khloe, about it but I didn't know how to bring up the issue without feeling dumb and stupid. I stared at my phone a bit longer, picking it up and dialing her mobile but it went straight to her voice mail. Curiosity had gotten the better of me , the itch was something I couldn't ignore. I needed to know. The spark of jealousy, Lucas had left in me only grew fonder.
Each wall of silence , I hit, opened up a fresh wound. I didn't know if I would be able to heal.
*
The next morning came like a blur. It has been three days since I last faced the hospital. Work was the only refuge I had, if not I would go mad from the silent thoughts that crept into my mind repeatedly. Melissa, a nurse in my station saw how frail I looked and wondered if I needed more time. I did but I wasn't going to take it. I couldn't live in that house any second without looking for what to do. I was going mad and I didn't want it to take me.
I took care of the patients I had in my care, when Melissa came looking for me in one of the private wards. "There's a man looking for you at the lobby, he said he is a friend. He has been here before searching for you." She had a suspicious smile plastered on her face, as she winked at me. I shook my head in silence, wondering who it was. Somehow, my body knew the answer already.
I saw his back first. He was wearing an expensive sleeve, black rolled to to his elbows revealing his muscles.
"Damian?" He turned with a flirty grin. He was wearing a light gold necklace, few buttons were undone, revealing a sliver of the tattoo he had on his body. Sonner, his smile faded.
"You look tired." He started. "Stressed. Are you okay?"
I forced a wide smile. " Tough day with the patients. I haven't been to work in days, so there's so many charts to fill."
I lied.
"You squint when you lie. You avoid eye contact too. You can't convince me with lies, you have to do better than that, June." I swallowed, holding back my tears. "Why do you look this way? Don't get me wrong, you look hot in scrubs but I can't help but feel something is fundamentally wrong somewhere."
I fought the urge to speak. Who is he that he should know my problems? We haven't barely spent much time together and he noticed that much about me? I disapproved.
"I'm okay. Why are you here?" I desperately wanted to see him but now he is here, I wanted him gone this minute.
"To check on you? I have been here three days in a role to see you and you weren't here. I know something is wrong. I didn't want to show up at your home unannounced. Is it your husband?"
"My marital problems is none of your concern. Thank you for seeing me but I'm okay." I turned to leave his presence but he held on to my hand and drawing me closer to him.
"I won't ask. But please, tell me you will be fine?" There was something in his voice that was laced with a promise. His glare was stripping me bare, I hated how my body betrayed me with just a single touch. My breath caught the air of flame that was burning between us. I was leaning towards the memory of his woodsy cologne as fingers traced lines on my skin lighting a dormant flame. It was the same way I felt at the bar. I kept quiet, layering the secrets after another. If I speak, I was scared it was just going to be another lie he would see through. I lowered my gaze avoiding the tension between us.
He stepped closer, close enough for me to feel the heat radiating from him, and my resolve wavered. "I know you would not talk to me but I am here for whatever that you need." He slipped his card into my fingers. "Call me."
I quickly pulled my hands from his, he sighed. I turned away from him without another word. As I walked back to my station, my eyes met locking eyes. Especially from the nurses who knew I was married. It was only a matter of time before they gear the news of my detachment from Lucas. Every shadow seemed to have their eyes on me and every glance sent a silent accusations through death glared and disgust.
My phone buzzed, making my heart race when I saw the caller ID. Lucas. I contemplated taking the fucking call. After hesitating for a while, I answered.
"We need to talk now!"
"I'm busy right now, Lucas. Some people have to work."
He seethed. "Do you think I care? I want to see you now!" The line was disconnected before daring to utter another word. My stomach plummeted. The emotions inside me stirred darkly. Fear and a flicker of foolish hope warring within me. I wondered if he was coming to drag me back into his world, or was this another move in his ruthless game?