This had to be the worst birthday in the history of birthdays.
[🤩Congratulations To Employee Candidate Cyril Alexander Taylor!🤩]
[🫵You have been selected as an employee of the H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation.]
[🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉WOW🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉]
[We are an organization created to help species across the universe muscle up💪 and survive the difficult trials up ahead as their worlds come to an end and out of several billion people, you have been chosen.]
[🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉WOW🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
I could only stare incredulously at the emoji-filled text floating in front of my eyes while party popper sound effects and fireworks went off around it.
What the actual f**k was this? A live-action brainrot spam email here to corrupt my eyeballs and destroy my brain cells?
But the text continued scrolling as if it didn't care about my thoughts in the slightest.
[🫵You must be sooooooo curious🔍 about the H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation and how this amazing job opportunity came to be so I, your super amazing onboarding HR Professional shall explain thoroughly.🤓]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
No. I was not curious. Not even a little bit. My curiosity was as dead as the cat. No need to explain, just tell me where the skip button was.
I began looking for an X mark to close the text window.
[🎤H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation is an amazing organization devoted to making sure a species successfully survives the consummate end of their world as they know it.]
I am a firm believer in the survival of the fittest.
Please let my species die. In fact, I am volunteering myself as tribute.
Let the population of this planet perish in peace and take me as tribute first.
Unfortunately, my thoughts were still ignored, and the message continued coming.
[Your planet, EARTH🌎, has been flagged🚩as having a high probability of total population annihilation due to certain factors like: Excessive Greed 🤑, Huge Class Disparity💸🔛🔝, Lack of Education🚫📖, Misinformation and Ignorance🐱💻, Love of War⚔️, and many more negative traits.]
Well….that's accurate. Given human history and the current state of the world, I could only agree with the text.
[Out of the goodness of the H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation's heart,]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
I highly doubted that.
Over 99.999% of corporations were money-making machines that ground the employees and workers down for profits.
The other remaining 0.001% were companies that failed to achieve that goal.
[And after noticing the lacking job market😊,]
The job market was lacking because people were literally dying while the world was falling to pieces.
[H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation has decided to hire several employees of various skill sets and positions to help your species and promote the four values of our company: Healing, Excess, Life, Peace, where our motto is 🕊️Creating Excess and Peace☮️ for a Healing Life.🕊️]
[😊Isn't that amazing?😊]
[🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉WOW🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
No matter how many happy emoji's were added, this sounded like a Multi Level Marketing Scheme.
And the fact that you're shamelessly clapping for yourself?
Clearly, this was the final boss with no shame or embarrassment.
[We at H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation have evaluated your amazing skills, Cyril Alecander Taylo, and have come to the conclusion that you would be the perfect💯 fit for the H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation.]
[🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉WOW🎉👏👏👏👏👏🎉]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
First of all, can you spell my name correctly?
That typo is very embarrassing, considering you're trying to recruit me for your scam company.
Secondly, I really wanted to know when and how they had evaluated my skills, considering it had been about 3 minutes since we first met.
[Like any other reputable company we provide amazing benefits💰💰💰 that will help you not only survive, but thrive in a way that helps both you and our organization achieve their goals.]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
Reputable?
See how it suddenly shifted from helping humanity survive to helping us both achieve our goals? This was 100% a scam.
[Unfortunately😣, the benefits can only be disclosed after you sign on, but I can guarantee that they're to die for.👍]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
No thank you.
Do you know you sound like the devil, trying to bribe kids to sell their souls for a snickers bar?
Please, get lost!
[What do you say Cyril Alexander Taylor? Do you accept this job opportunity?🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
First of all, delete those puppy dog eyes.
Secondly.
Accept this scam?
A supposed job to supposedly help me and some random company with Apocalypse in the name?
Hard pass.
"No, thank you." I calmly declined and tried to turn away, but the text followed me while blocking my vision.
[❓😾Boooooooo! Why not?😾❓]
Cyril: ಠ_ಠ
What kind of forceful nonsense was this?
What happened to our polite society where others accepted a decision with no extra questions??
As if reading my thoughts, the words quickly changed.
[Ah, don't worry, you're not being forced😜. If you don't want to agree, you don't have to; we'll simply put things back to the way they were supposed to be.]
[👀Check it out yo! Special Preview for youuu👀]
For a moment, the text box faded away slightly, and I could see my body lying on the ground.
My already pale skin looked gray and my dyed black hair was dull and chalky, looking almost white from the dirt and dust on it.
Pale blue eyes with a hint of red stared blankly into the air without blinking, and most importantly, I was cosplaying a LEGO figure whose top and bottom halves had been separated and bitten.
Aggressively.
By something with a lot of teeth.
The white cupcake box next to my body was almost comical because of how pristine it looked next to my body, but my wallet, phone, and keys were gone from my hand.
The white tracksuit I had been wearing had become a red and white tie-dye project, but my chest was rising and falling, albeit faintly.
Somehow, even in that state…my body was still alive.
Remembering the indescribable pain of my body being sliced like a KitKat bar before I lost consciousness, I grimaced before looking away.
Although I wasn't squeamish, it wasn't pleasant to look at.
The question was, what the hell was happening to me right now?
Had I somehow become a ghost?
My current body didn't look transparent, or was I hallucinating and about to die?
[What do you think, Cyril Alexander Taylor?]
[As I mentioned, our organization's motto is Healing, Excess, Life, and Peace? Don't you think you need at least one of those things right now?❤️🩹😉]
"..."
I just stared blankly at the words scrolling by.
[If you agree to work for the H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation, naturally for a small fee💵, we'll make sure your body is fixed to the best of our ability.]
[All you have to do is work for the company for the minimum duration of one year and help accomplish the company's goals.]
[After the goals are reached, you and the company can go your separate ways.]
[😉What do you think? Do you want to live C{yril Alexander Taylo}r?]
I stared at the second mistake until the text quickly corrected itself.
…how odd.
[Cyril Alexander Taylor.]
[Your body has about 1 minute remaining before it passes away for good. Do you accept the H.E.L.P. Apocalypse Corporation employment offer?⏰ 59s, 58s, 57s]
As I reread the text floating in front of me, my head began churning as I watched the timer count down.
This didn't make any sense.
Skipping past the fact of my KitKat body, why me?
There were plenty of people in the world apart from me, and with the mess that was currently happening, I'm sure plenty of others had died.
Why was it pressuring me like this for a simple job?
Usually, the job seeker is the desperate one, not the employer, so what was actually going on here?
The messages were oddly coercive, the emojis were weird, and in fact, there was clearly a mistake where it still included '{' when my name was typed out, and also misspelled it earlier.
Almost like the auto-replace name function was messed up.
Heh.
It seemed even in supernatural organizations, they were still short-staffed?
But why did it keep bothering me to accept the job?
It was odd, but maybe this could be used?
Naturally, I wasn't ready to die yet, but I didn't particularly want to be taken advantage of either…
Resolving myself, I decided to gamble.
After all, I was basically already dead and currently couldn't feel any pain.
If I could gain a benefit, great.
Otherwise, I would cleanly die with minimal regrets.
As for what would happen afterwards? It wasn't my problem now, was it?
Before I could say anything-
[⏰Ding! Time's up!⏰]
[Cyril Alexander Taylor? Do you want to be employed and live?]
"…No. I do not. Your explanation is too full of holes and very sketchy, no matter how I look at it. Give me a clear description of everything from goals to rewards, why you chose me, and an explanation of what is going on."
There was a pause before the screen began typing rapidly.
[😱Oh No Cyril Alexander Taylor 😱]
[It seems that I've given you the impression that you're special?]
[There are many others who could replace you and receive this splendid job opportunity instead.]
[I recommend you think it through one more time🤓.]
[I'll add an additional 30 seconds so use it wisely. 30s, 29s, 28s⏰]
Giving me extra time after originally limiting me to a limit? Bingo.
It was desperate.
"There's no need to count down. If you want to scrap the job offer, then scrap it." I calmly sat down and stared at the window with a cheeky grin.
[... Are you sure about this, Cyril Alexander Taylor? I suggest you think it through properly.]
"I assure you that I am. Aren't you here yapping instead of finding somebody else to give this job opportunity? Spit out a proper explanation, or let me die and go find a new employee. But I bet you won't."
[.....]
Seeing the message without emojis, I smiled brightly. "You're pedaling this scam in broad daylight,, and you expect me to agree? I'm pretty reasonable, so start talking properly before I figure out how to drop dead on my own."
[.....]
I stared for minutes, but since nothing happened, I started trying to touch my physical body.
It felt like a wall of Jello was keeping me away from it no matter how I tried to touch it.
Seeing that it wouldn't work, I began tapping my fingers impatiently against my lap while staring up at the text box that kept refreshing the dots.
"Oi. Emoji chatbot hr person. You there? What's the deal?"
[Ah🫢. I apologize for the delay, Cyril Alexander Taylor.]
[I was speaking with my supervisor on what to do and we have come to an agreement.😊]
"Is that right?" Seeing the happy emoji's back, I had an incredibly bad feeling.
[✨That's right!✨]
[Cyril Alexander Taylor, do you accept the job offer from H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation?]
"N-cough"
Before I could finish my sentence, I immediately choked as some force hit my throat, before I heard my voice play back in a slightly choppy way.
"I. Agree"
[✨Amazing!✨]
[And do you, Cyril Alexander Taylor, have any preference as to which department of the H.E.L.P Apocalypse Corporation you're assigned to? Or do you have any questions to ask me about the terms of your employment? Anything at all?]
"No, I do not. Your explanation is clear and proper. Thank you for this opportunity."
The recording of my voice was as stilted and robotic as earlier, and despite struggling and shaking my head, I still couldn't move my mouth.
What kind of scam was this??
This bastard was just rearranging my previous words in a way that suited it.
[✨No questions or requests, and you're also polite? Perfect!✨]
[🙏Thank you for accepting the job offer and welcome to your first day of employment Cyril Alexander Taylor.🙏]
[🎉Congratulations On Your New Job Cyril Alexander Taylor!🎉]
[Since we're short on time, I will directly attach the employee handbook details to you, which will include job description, employee benefits, and more.]
[Naturally, I will also send you back to your healed body. Please read📖 the employee handbook when you have the time as it unlocks many employee functions.]
[Once you've settled in, please fill out my employee review survey📖 for a chance to win a guaranteed special prize🏆🏆🏆.]
[✨It was a pleasure to meet you Cyril Alexander Taylor, and Us here at H.E.L.P Apocalypse Organanization look forward to working with you.✨]
[🎈Have a happy birthday!🎈]
[Goodbye.]
A sharp click, like a phone call hanging up sounded through the air and the next thing I knew, my vision went black, my wrist was burning, and I was back in my physical body lying on the hard concrete.