It all started with a bad haircut.
After three hours in Sasha's Salon (and leaving with what could only be described as "an accident with scissors"), I decided my love life needed a reboot just as much as my hair did.
That's when I saw the ad:
"TrueMatch Quest: Find Your Match Through Adventure! Swipe Right on Life!"
Normally, I'd ignore that kind of nonsense. But something about the neon pink unicorn in the ad, winking at me while holding a rose between its teeth, felt oddly persuasive. Or maybe I was just desperate. Either way, fifteen minutes later, I had an account... and an email titled:
"Congratulations, Tessa! You've been selected for the TrueMatch Quest Launch Event!"
Fast forward twenty-four hours:
I'm standing in front of a weirdly fancy skyscraper downtown, wondering if I've just signed up for a cult.
Beside me, four other victims—I mean, "contestants"—were gathering, each looking about as confused and suspicious as I felt.
Jessie, in ripped jeans and an ironic "Love is for Losers" t-shirt, was the first to break the silence.
"So... anyone else feel like we're about to get sacrificed to a dating god?"
Milo adjusted his glasses nervously.
"I mean, statistically speaking, only about 2% of dating apps turn into actual criminal operations—"
"No one asked for the math, bro," Leo interrupted, juggling three apples he must've pulled out of nowhere. "Focus. We're here for destiny."
Zara, who wore designer sunglasses indoors and smelled like fresh lavender and terror, crossed her arms.
"Destiny doesn't usually involve a waiver form with a 'possibility of mild to moderate injury' clause."
I clutched my backpack a little tighter. Maybe it wasn't too late to fake a phone call and run?
But then, the massive glass doors slid open with a mechanical whoosh, and a woman in a sparkling gold blazer waved us in.
"Welcome, TrueMatchers!" she chirped, way too excited. "Are you ready for the adventure of a lifetime?"
No one answered.
Jessie made finger guns at her.
Milo audibly swallowed.
Zara adjusted her sunglasses.
Leo dropped an apple.
And me? I smiled weakly and stepped inside.
Because, hey... what could possibly go wrong?
(Answer: literally everything.)
The lobby was way too clean. Like, suspiciously clean. The kind of clean that screamed "we're hiding something behind this orchid-scented air freshener."
We were herded into a velvet-lined elevator with a glass wall that gave us a sweeping view of the city. Somewhere between the fifteenth and twentieth floor, Jessie leaned over and whispered, "If this thing suddenly drops, I just want you all to know: I totally called it."
Milo clutched the railing. "Don't say things like that in a moving elevator. It triggers my anxiety. And gravity."
Leo, of course, pressed all the buttons.
Ding. Ding. Ding.
"Oops," he said with a grin. "Just making sure we're getting the full tour."
By the time we reached the 23rd floor, Zara had already posted a selfie captioned "First day of the quest. Might die, but make it fashion."
The elevator doors opened to reveal... a tropical jungle?
No, wait. It was a conference room. But it was themed like a jungle. Plastic vines hung from the ceiling, fake birds chirped from hidden speakers, and someone had gone all out with a fog machine.
"Welcome to the Wild Zone," said the woman in the gold blazer, now wearing a safari hat like she was about to wrestle a python.
"This is a joke, right?" Jessie muttered.
The woman—who introduced herself as Crystal, your Quest Coordinator™—led us to a semi-circle of beanbags shaped like various fruits. "Before we begin," she said, passing out pamphlets, "we'd like you to sign a quick non-disclosure agreement. And a minor liability waiver. And a personality quiz."
"I came here to find love, not write the bar exam," Leo complained, flipping through the packet.
I looked over the first page.
Question 1: If you were a dessert, what would you be?
A) Tiramisu
B) Flaming cheesecake
C) Mint chocolate chaos
D) None of the above, I am lactose intolerant and emotionally unavailable
I circled D without hesitation.
Crystal clapped her hands. "Once the paperwork is complete, you'll begin your first challenge. You'll be paired off based on your answers. Your goal: survive the obstacle course, find your 'match', and complete a bonding task together!"
Milo raised his hand. "Will this involve… physical danger?"
Crystal smiled. "Only the fun kind!"
That was not comforting.
Five minutes later, we were handed neon vests, walkie-talkies, and bananas.
"Why bananas?" I asked.
Crystal just winked. "You'll see."
The doors opened again—this time leading us into what looked like a warehouse-turned-obstacle-course. There were ropes. Slides. Giant inflatable flamingos. A moat filled with bubble tea.
I turned to Milo—my randomly assigned partner—and muttered, "If I fall into that tapioca pit, tell my cat I love her."
He nodded solemnly. "Same."
A loud buzzer blared. Crystal shouted into a megaphone, "READY—SET—LOVE!"
And then chaos.
Jessie and Leo were already halfway across the room, somehow riding the same inflatable swan. Zara screamed as she dangled from a vine like a very well-dressed Tarzan. Milo and I attempted to climb a wall labeled "Trust Your Partner", which turned out to be coated in coconut oil.
We failed. Hard.
"I'm okay!" Milo wheezed, flat on his back, tangled in a pool noodle.
At one point, a drone flew overhead and dropped heart-shaped glitter bombs. I sneezed so violently I kicked over a tower of love letters we were supposed to unscramble.
Eventually—miraculously—Milo and I reached the final stage: a giant spinning platform with the words "LOCK EYES TO UNLOCK LOVE" lit up in glowing neon.
We stared at each other awkwardly.
"This feels illegal," he whispered.
"I feel like I'm in a dating-themed version of Wipeout," I said.
Still, we held eye contact.
The machine dinged. A confetti cannon exploded in our faces.
"Congratulations, Team #SoftSwipe!" Crystal cheered. "You've completed Level 1 of the TrueMatch Quest!"
I wiped glitter off my tongue. "There are levels?!"
"Oh yes," she beamed. "You're just getting started."
I looked around at the others. Jessie had glitter in her eyelashes and a broken flamingo paddle in hand. Leo was juggling bananas. Zara was reapplying lip gloss with war paint intensity. Milo looked like he might pass out.
And me?
Well…
For some reason, I couldn't stop smiling.