"Damnit, Selene!" the sound of glass shattering echoed through the hall. How cold and dreary the atmosphere in that vast room was, and the two silhouettes from the cracks of the door. It was none other than a woman in mourning clothes, and her husband so it seems.
"3 years ago…" She was calm, yet her voice faltered. She opened her mouth to get the words out of her throat, yet this time, her facade was slowly shattering.
"Why? Why did you marry me, if you did not love me?"
'Ah, I've said it' she thought. All this time, she has always yearned to ask him this question, but she was always afraid of what his answer could be. "I used to." he murmured.
"....what?"
"I really did love you." What was his expression when he said it? I don't know. I seem to have forgotten.
Too dark, too cold, thunder echoing accompanied by the heavy rain. Why, oh, why did it have to be at this moment?
Somehow, its comforting. It's as if the heavens are grieving for me.
"...has love become dispensable for you now?" tears started forming in her eyes, then she continued— "Theo, I want to leave—I want a divorce." despite the throbbing pain in her heart, she was desperate in relaying the message. It must be the desire of how much she wished for liberation—freedom from this man.
'Please let me go.' The Selene—that she tired so hard to constrain—was now out of her chains; this was the first she had dared to defy her husband, and the first person she shed tears for. Ironically, it was her mother's burial today.
There was no word spoken after. The silence between them was loud and tense. It was as if the storm outside was cast by the heavens as they foresaw this event—but who was it trying to comfort?
"You? You wish for a divorce?" His tone was irate, It was clear that he was enraged.
Suddenly, words from her mother resurfaced in her mind, 'Don't fumble.'
"Do you not love me anymore?" Love? Love. At what point in my life did I start hoping that I could afford something as luxurious as love?
"Divorce me, Theo."
He scoffed, "Do you only know those words?" His voice was cold and raging, I couldn't even bear to look at him anymore with tears of decades' accumulation welling up in my eyes. It was simply hard to see.
"You said you loved me! And I gave you the title of a duchess you desired, and—yet, you–!"
"I did too! I loved you, even more than myself!" She yelped. She was desperate—and it was evident.
"..Ah. Then it must another man, huh?" he chuckled derisively. He did not want to entertain the thought of a divorce, what more about intending to find out the cause for such thought itself? He would never.
Selene was speechless. It never crossed her mind that the Duke of Lancaster, renowned for his sangfroid expression, would lose his composure like this—and this man was her husband.
"There is no 'other man'! Do you harbor such distrust in me? That you go so far as to deem me unfaithful during this marriage?" There are lines even the Duke cannot cross—I should have him aware of that.
He was quiet. It didn't seem like he was even thinking about me defying him. What was the trigger? 'Divorce.' It was the word divorce. This man was afraid of it—but why?
I admit to being a duchess no one in this world would ever willingly tolerate. I wasn't perfect——I could never be. Still—because of this man, I began to harbour hopes. A luxury that was once shown to me, and my regret that I took it. This damned hope that drove me to covet things I could never have, no—I shouldn't have them in the first place.
"...I'll pretend this conversation never happened. Go back." He heaved a heavy sigh.
"..No. I am not leaving this room until you answer." I never looked at him when I said these words—because then my heart would waver. I closed my eyes, preparing myself for every single scenario, ready to walk out at every end.
The next thing I knew when I opened my eyes was him—his pained expression, as if his world shattered from that moment.
"I am not divorcing you. I don't ever plan to. I will never." He was resolute with his words, and yet it pained me to know that I will never get away from this man—ever.
Just as he, whose words shot arrows straight to my heart, and this throbbing pain, should I make him feel it?
"..You will kill me." I said, trying to find sense in my own words.
"What?"
"I've met my limit, Theon… I don't recognize myself anymore."
Selene's expression was clearly sorrowful, but her lips etched a smile. She was asking to be set free—to the man who swore to be her solace. This was her last resort, and hope was slowly fading away. She truly believed that she didn't deserve anything—everything.
"...Haven't you endured well all this time? Why now?" His voice was trembling, like a child begging not to be abandoned. For a moment, this caught Selene off-guard. However she did not waver.
"No. We will never change." He was infuriated.
"You are barren. What would you do after divorcing me? Do you think any man would take you as his wife?" He continued.
"Suffer? You? If anyone was suffering it would be me. All that you do has been embarrassing to the Lancaster name. I had never complained to you once. Is it so hard for you to sit still in your vanity?"
His words were as sharp as thorns, but I hated that it was true.
'September 12 18XX'
'The Lancaster family hosted a banquet for those that have just returned from the 7-year war, and to celebrate their victory.
The grand duchess of Lancaster was not able to prepare for the event as she was bedridden at this time, so she passed on the responsibility to me—the newly appointed duchess. It was my first time preparing for such, and extravagance was not my forte, as I came from a humble background. The butler and I didn't have a good impression of each other, so with no one to guide me, I decorated the halls, the mansion; following the trends in high society gatherings. Finally, the mansion was adorned with decorations that screamed luxury. The knights mocked me for spending lots for a gathering when it could have been spent for the grieving families from war. After that incident, The Lancaster knights have long lost their respect for me.
I never got to touch the ducal family's affairs ever since then.'
'February 15 18XX'
'My husband was injured from a recent assassination attempt, and was unconscious for days. His aide, Dan, took charge of his unfinished work. He trusted his aide more than me—the duchess and his wife. The doctor worked twice as hard to concoct an antidote, and he recovered shortly after. Overjoyed with his recovery, I made tea in his room every single day—without knowing he had suddenly developed an allergy as a side effect of the antidote. He was sent to his bed yet again, but I was the cause this time. After that, I was omitted from entering my husband's room, let alone give him something to ingest. He trusted the chef in the kitchen more than his wife who made tea in front of his eyes.'
'May 19 18XX
'The grand duchess set me up for a social gathering with ladies of my age, but we were from different social standings. I was the only individual there who was repeatedly called a 'nouveau riche'. The ladies used textbook ways to humiliate me. They said they 'accidentally' poured tea to the wrong place, yet it was boiling as it met my skin. They say these words were only meant to remind me of my origins, Literally, It was the same as telling me to know my place.
I could only go home disheveled, in agony of my wounds, I was merely defenseless in the face of scrutiny. I could never complain about the occurrences in the gathering as it was arranged for me by my mother-in-law. If I did, I would sound like a whining child but the difference was that I am an adult. What type of woman carries such a heavy title as 'duchess', yet she couldn't even fulfill her role? I could endure this kind of humiliation, just not from my husband's mother. After that, My husband said to me with a gentle expression: "Dear, it would be best if you don't go out for a while. This is for your own sake." Then I started relying on newspapers for the latest gossip, trends, and others.'
'August 9, 18XX'
'I conceived a child. My first child. A child I failed to protect. It was the three-month mark into my nine month journey, we didn't even make it past half. My poor child. I had finally thought that I could have a mini-me, running around living the best life I could give her—I was gonna be a mother, and It should have been the happiest time of my life in this hell hole.
I was worried about my child meeting the world too soon as I was inflicted with a frail constitution, but I wanted it to be brought to the world—to see its beauty, to live. I feared that my misfortune would affect my child, I was deluded that I could finally be of use to the Lancasters, that I had fulfilled my role as duchess to bear an heir.
Hope is truly a sweet thing.
"It seems you have forgotten your place, Siena." Adele, my sworn friend from the academy, told me this. We have long since graduated, just as I changed my name—so did she. "How the hell did you even manage to snag the duke, huh? and now what, can't even spend a dime for a friend?" The Adele I knew would never say this to me, at least not in my face.
"I knew you were no different from a vulgar wench!"
"Adele, I really can't help you with your father's situation, I—"
"Just tell me that you don't want to spend money on a commoner! You social climber, now that you've reached an untouchable position, you think you can just throw us away, huh?!"
This is bad for my baby—this is bad for him. I have to leave—I have to make her leave.
"Adele, I'll settle it with you in another time—just not today please—" I pleaded.
I already felt immense distress and I knew it would affect my baby.
"Ha! You ungrateful wench! You're the reason my family is this way! Everyone in this house is mad!"
"Guards! The guest is about to leave, kindly escort her out." I can't falter—not right now.
"No! You damned bitch! Had I known this was the real you I wouldn't have any relations with you in the first place !"
Did the guards not hear me? They should be standing guard outside right now, Impossible.
Exasperated, I ran out of the room to see the corridor empty—no one in sight. I could've sworn they were here just a moment ago..ah, this must be some kind of petty revenge on me.
I helplessly stood outside the door scanning my surroundings, still there was no one. I gazed over the balcony in hopes to see someone—anyone, to get this woman away from me. Had It occurred to me she was crazy enough to be the reason why I fractured my spine and my miscarriage, maybe—just maybe I wouldn't have thought of being near such a dangerous place—then she wouldn't have had the idea to push me. She was still a friend of 'Siena', the last person to recognize me as a girl named Siena. I couldn't bear not to meet her—even if old memories resurface as I tried to erase the traces of Siena in the first place.
After that Incident, I was bedridden for months, partly because of my mental ailments at the loss of my child. I didn't make a complete recovery in both physical and inner aspects—I guess the family doctor had grown tired of such a whiny patient and dismissed me from receiving constant treatment. In the end I was only given 3 bottles of pills—claiming that these were to alleviate my pain, my insomnia, and for conceiving again. When I was discharged, the doctor only visits me once in a month to give me a new set of bottles, and to check if I've been taking it consistently.
I no longer remember if my husband has ever been beside me through these times. If he was, I resent him for not doing anything. If he wasn't, I resent him for the same thing. But as always, I have to be the meek, and behaved wife my husband asked for. He told me that "we could always have another."
I'm sorry Syon.