Fool me once, shame on you
fearful of if I would have to commit to the
next quote
Saturday had finally come.
Thankfully, all agreed on the time, none had other plans arise as we sorted out the place of meeting in the group chat I was now firmly a part of, still considering myself an outsider however, as a week was nothing compared to the months on months the rest had known and seen each other in.
Getting to know the group even further through messages thrown around of each other's daily antics and routines would prove essential knowledge for today.
Tye acted as the ambassador, the chill guy, throwing around neutral and friendly messages to others that posted theirs, joking around and poking fun occasionally, usually saying stoner esque things as he would flash pictures of his paraphernalia, bongs, blunts and the substances they would hold, all of which I was already well versed in, so not a surprise in the slightest for me.
David, for how his physically dominating body looked, was actually quite the sweetheart, a huge anime lover as he would constantly relate situations brought up to his favorites, something I did notice upon our first conversations last week, even asking me about my own picks when it came to that subject. I knew some names, but I hadn't really delved beyond face value on that front.
Arun was the most prevalent, constantly sending messages about his day, definitely a terminally online type.
His nerdy values made known the minute I had seen his posts. A coder by trade, apparently he made software for a well respected local company as a freelancer, something I had some doubts in, but he seemed to know his stuff, so I took his word on it for now
Rose, still the energetic rabbit both on and off the screen, loving life with every statement said.
Sharing her love and affection being a constant for her, posing for her pictures sent in a overwhelmingly cutesy manner, if you were feeling down about life, no doubt would she be the first to cheer you up.
I was highly tempted to ask her about the picture I had seen Sunday afternoon, weather through the group or direct, as they had all added me as a friend after I had joined the group, but that would hopefully be addressed today.
Rebecca, just as flirtatious as she was before. Sinner and saint conjoined, having zero filter on her keyboard, typing away any and all thoughts going through her head.
Family friendly her messages were absolutely not, yet she was surprisingly sparse during the week, only having a few moments of conversation with the others, most of them to hype up and reiterate our meeting today, Tye said she was a party fiend, guess he was right in saying that.
She was truly a girl asking the world, no, begging it to hear her say 'wake me up when the sun sets', a brazen lover of the night and every vice it brought with it.
I had my occasional comments here and there, feeling far more confident in doing so, staying within the confines of my bedroom, mouth being replaced by a screen, able to delete and replace any and all text with just my fingers, letting my anxiety know it didn't have to take control, playing it safe with each passing message, netural my only emotion.
Some would say I was boring, I would just say relatable as I would often try to pass myself off as, somewhat being successful considering the friends I had made along the way through the years, most seeing the best of my intentions, as timid and shy as my personality was.
I wasn't the bad ass, nor was I the goody two shoes, just overtly average.
Still if it worked, why should I change it?
The afternoon finally made itself known, sun slowly setting as I gave myself time to prepare,
black vest, white shirt, blue jeans with holes cut within knee position.
Combing my hair, not too long, yet still reaching shoulder length as I took more time to doll myself up, having just recently brought a bottle of inexpensive cologne, dousing myself in it as I took one last stare into the mirror hanging from the wall in my room, looking my reflection up and down, briefly talking to myself as I did.
Hyping myself up somewhat fiercely, begging my anxiety to dull it's senses, knowing how fruitless trying to reason with it still was
"Yeah, you got this"
Saying my goodbyes and excuses to my parents before leaving through the front door, telling them lies of going out to study with my fellow classmates, a simple fib yet one that had proven effective in the past, shading my true intent well enough to keep using as a go to excuse.
Walking toward the gate surrounding my place of residence, I took my phone out of my pocket as to double check the time and place of where and when we'd be meeting, a usual affair for me as I always couldn't be more than sure of myself to show up to the right spot as everyone else involved, one of the few parts of my anxious brain that made sense.
The place of meeting in particular, a park I had not yet been accustomed to.
Around thirty more minutes or so away from me as far as walking pace was considered, I kept walking forward, phone still in hand as the GPS dragged me to this newly found place, still unfamiliar as to what or where our group would be going afterward, staying or leaving a question holding fast in my head.
Some ramblings of moving two and fro were present in the messages sent previously, all of us being of age to go wherever we wanted, pubs, nightclubs, anything was at our disposal, so long as our sobriety was well enough to be welcomed in without a fuss.
This thought both excited and scared me at the same time, as I had never really used my, as of recently acquired, identification card, having only recently been blessed with reaching that fabled age of eighteen, a completely legal age in our country as far as drinking was concerned, simply using it for the sole purpose to buy my own alcohol, never having to rely on the words of others to buy and share it for me as I had previously did before obtaining one.
You could say my family at this time was just above middle class, being born and raised in a well enough suburb, yet still shady enough to not be considered by many as a particularly 'nice' area to be around, so money for us wasn't an abundance by any means .
Myself having relied mostly on government funding through the college's benefits system this year for my personal income, receiving a weekly allowance whilst in attendance, spending it mostly on goings out and food, it wasn't much, most adults would call it loose change compared to the average nine to five worker, but still more or less enough for my situation.
Deciding to save most if not all of it this week for this very moment, being able to whip out my credit card at anytime to fuel our nightly antics I thought to be a decent power move, flashing cash certainly impressed most consumer washed minds, hoping I would have the chance to do so tonight, letting everyone know that I wasn't to be some freeloader begging for scraps under the table.
So the prospect of hitting up a club or two, although overwhelming to someone like me, loud and rambunctious the scene would no doubt make itself instantly known, an obvious deal breaker in my shy and doubt ridden mind, still gave me some excitement.
Walking persisted, stopping briefly to purchase some very much needed alcohol for tonight from a local liquor store, conveniently placed almost past the halfway mark on my journey.
Two bottles of bottom shelf wine, eight dollars a piece, cheap yet effective in my eyes, knowing my tolerance and balance with this variation of intoxication well.
Sure the complimentary hangovers that came with it afterward were hell, but it'd be worth it to null and void my now sharp and creeping sense of initial fear that came with every social situation I found myself in.
Soon enough after my pit stop, ten or so minutes later, I found myself at the destination.
Sun just now edging itself back inside the horizon, day finally finding its nightly counterpart, shaking hands briefly before going their separate ways.
It was a nice, quiet, grass field. Slightly smaller than a football pitch, tall wooden fences surrounding its perimeters, with trees and foliage closely following behind.
Road wasn't too far from the right of it, so not entirely secluded, the field in full view for passers by to look into, so the night's shadow would have to help us lay low if we were to keep attention to a minimum.
Getting closer to the middle of this pit of freshly cut grass, I faintly saw two figures in the distance, sitting down on what appeared to be a set of wooden bleachers hiding away in the far corner.
Getting closer, hearing familiar voices as I did, confirming to me that I was in the right place.
Awkwardly entering the mix as I usually did, looking down to the ground as both Tye and Arun said their hellos, Tye coming down from the bleachers to give his mandatory embraces to me as per usual, myself following suit.
Arun, still keeping himself seated, simply watched on, phone in his hand, seeming to be a trend of his as I had noticed before
"Good seeing you again"
His british accent on full display, something more akin to a royal posh esque one than something of the usual modern Brit you'd envision in your head if someone asked you to describe someone from that area of the world, letters of each sentence pronounced perfectly.
He seemed somewhat more flamboyant than the rest, perhaps taking himself a bit too seriously.
Nevertheless I sat down with them, exchanging words as usual default conversations came into the picture.
Mind almost instantly went to the question of where the rest of our crew for the night were, maybe being fashionably late, something I expected Tye to at least follow through with, something of a habit of his that usually stayed constant.
And yet he was one of the first here, definitely catching me off guard, his character had also changed slightly from the norm as we kept talking, being somewhat more reserved than usual, not being as loud and loving as he was, probably still completely sober I thought to myself.
"Rebecca said she's going to be bringing the rest in about twenty minutes. Tye, you mentioned you needed some loud before. Still got the bills for that right?"
Arun, phone in hand as he said this, Tye looked back at him with a sense of confirmation, his head nodding as he reached into his pocket, flashing a stack of dollar bills in his hand, Arun simply acknowledging it with a subtle nod, something I'm sure he'd grown familiar with knowing Tye's usual drug related antics.
"Tell her that Robin's here too. She wouldn't wanna be late for my man right here"
Tye patted my back as he replied, my mind still being by default anxious and full of worst case thoughts, now somewhat numbed by his gesture, nonetheless I felt still and full of worry.
Reaching into my backpack to grab one of the two bottles of cheap wine I had purchased just before, keeping haste in my mind as the war raged on in my mind between normality and anxious intent to destroy rational thought, taking a deep swig from the now opened bottle, having twisted the cap open fiercely, something that Tye had noticed, knowing full well my intent to quiet my mind as he leant in to try and reassure me.
"Relax bro. We're all gonna have a good time tonight. Got your ID right?"
Premonitions made true by this question, plans to move our group to a more public setting would be part of our itinerary for the night, yet still I had to make sure.
"...Yeah, why? We going down to Lacey's tonight?"
Lacey's being a popular nightclub within our local area. It was almost a rite of passage once you finally had the legal pass to purchase and consume alcohol to visit this well established building at least once in our neighborhood.
Myself having been included before in this tradition, scarcely remembering the first time I had been there. Tye had been the instigator of my initial visit, so the question I asked made sense in my head.
"Yeah bro! Maybe your uncle could give us some shouts if he's working tonight"
Remembering back to the time when I first saw my relative uncle, Tem, behind the bar the last time I had the courage to join a group and head down to the venue. Most who knew him called him "T Dox'. Usually giving out free bar tabs to anyone he knew closely, myself included. Given I was his close nephew it made sense to show some love to me in this regard. Often waving away any charges for the friends I brought with me, no doubt bringing the chagrin of his employer, as under the table as he was.
"Two minutes out she said Tye"
Arun, coming out from the confines of his phone screen, showing us two fingers on his free hand, as to confirm what he had just said.
Tye, Nodding in confirmation, standing up and walking forward away from our current position. Supposedly to meet up with the rest of the group. Briefly stopping for a few seconds, looking back at me as he did.
"You still smoke bro?"
Trying to come up with an answer, knowing full well that I hadn't touched any kind of illicit substance of that kind for a while now. Giving it up almost fully once I settled into college life.
Yet how would she take it if she thought of me as a square like that?
"... Yeah dude, save me a hit if you can"
Words spilling out of my mouth as if I was well versed in the lingo of drug dealers and users, Tye's face, now smiling ear to ear, pointed at me with an aura of proudness.
"No doubt bro, I gotchu"
Walking further and further into the distance, darkness of the night made his outline harder to see as he lured into the distance. Leaving me and Arun alone to act amongst ourselves.
Alcohol now quickly raced through me from my unwillingness to pace myself, I thought it best to at least try to get to know the group better, anxiety thrown once again to the prison Warden, giving him the warrants to do as he pleased with it.
"...So how do you know Tye?"
I asked with my usual awkward demeanor, his face slowly turning toward mine, looking as if he was somewhat perplexed by the question, putting his phone down on his lap, staring at me with a confused expression for a few seconds before pressing his phone back up against his face, sighing as he did.
"Met him at a party, from what I can remember you should be at least a bit familiar with this memory"
Huh?
Wait.
Was this related to the picture I had seen?
"...Which one?"
As I asked with genuine confusion, he once again looked up from his hands and into my eyes, a more serious look on his face this time, still mixed in with a hint of confusion.
"Actually I'd be surprised if you did remember that night to be honest, god knows she didn't"
…She?
God you're not doing wonders for my brain dude.
Sitting himself up further from his position, as if to be more serious in his words, still looking at me with a now focused expression on his face. Intent in his eyes, as if to make some kind of threat to me, mind now taken over by a sense of dread as he did.
"Rebecca might be an idiot. But you're even worse for fooling yourself into thinking she loves you"
…
Going back to his usual stance of phone in hand, staring into it, swiping left and right, up and down.
Hang on…
What just happened?
A fool?
A fool for what?
No thoughts clouded me. Only a sense of pure fear.
"Just give it up before you end up like before. You're a good guy, don't need to see another trainwreck like that in my life, and don't you even try to forget your promise"
His last passing statements as he carried on. Thoughts now ravaged by amnesia, as if I had somehow forgotten a key point in time, his sentences resonating through my head. Thinking. Fearing. Dreading
'Before?' 'Promise?' What did that entail?
"Hey y'all! Look who I found fuckin around!"
Tye's voice echoed in the distance as he was coming back into view, Rebecca, Rose and David flanking him as he skipped back into our vicinity, bottles in each hand, being the charismatic man he was.
"ROBIN!!"
Hearing that high pitched, happy by proxy feeling tone of voice I had heard before, approaching me with speed.
Rose, grabbing me swiftly after realizing I was here, wearing a dark red skirt and black crop top, embracing me in her body as she hugged me intensely, my face now stuck between her breasts as I still struggled to grasp any sense of reality now made known in full.
"Thanks for joining us!"
Her undeniable peppy and cute attitude made my face crack an uncontrollable smile as she stroked my head lovingly, yet still with a sense of friendship, not making it sensual in any way or shape.
Something I had never really felt before as I melted away in her grasp. Like a mother's embrace for her child, protective and full of nothing but loving intent.
"Arun, you told Zil about our deal right?"
Hearing Rebecca say this as Rose let go of her grasp from me, hopping back, energetic and ready for the night to come.
"Yup, he said it's on the house this time"
"Fucking better be the piece of shit"
As Rebecca replied to him, bag in hand full of what looked like meth, less than a few fingers length.
Mind torn, thinking of ways to say my thoughts to the now sole reason of my being here, her promise still ravaging my mind, drunken state made known now with the first of my bottles being laid on the grass empty.
"Hey Rebecca"
As those words slipped through my mouth, her reply simply looking at me, slightly smiling at me before focusing her attention back on Arun
"Tell him I'm not doing this again. Fucking asshole wants pussy then he can go hire a whore. I'm sick of his shit"
Aruns words before now resonated through my oblivious mind.
'Just give it up'
A warning if I ever heard one.
"Robin… Sorry"
As I heard her say those words to me, her warm embrace hit me like a blanket as she too went to exchange a hug with me. Hers more firm and serious than Rose, as if to distract me from what she had just said. Her head planted on my shoulder as all I could do was simply accept her body on mine.
"Missed you"
There's those words again.
This time played off in a much more subtle tone than previous. Much less playful in manner, an air of seriousness in her voice as she held me in her embrace.
"Oh cram it love birds. As much as your exchange brings my small heart to tears, we've got drinks to drink!"
David, being the overdramatic sweetheart, flashing his pack of bottles in hand. Easily lifting it over his head, muscles flashing through his silver tank top. Rose swiftly showed up behind him, looking like his own personal cheerleader as she struck a pose fitting of such a role. The arua between these two fit near perfectly as Tye cheered on in excitement.
"Fuck it, let's get shit started already!"
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