Nervously puffing on his pipe, Sarutobi Hiruzen continued reading the report about yesterday's incident.
From Patrol Team 4's Report:
An ANBU operative was found on the Hokage Monument in a drunken and incoherent state. He answered questions eagerly, even starting to divulge classified information. The patrol decided to deliver the operative to Ibiki Morino's department for further investigation.
The patrol's shift had just ended.
Sarutobi took a deeper drag and picked up the next report, a continuation of the first.
From Perimeter Guard Team 8's Report:
Two chunin were detained in a state of severe alcohol intoxication. During preliminary questioning, they answered eagerly and in detail, even revealing classified information. Both were delivered to Ibiki Morino.
Their shift had just ended.
Knocking out the ash and refilling his pipe with stronger tobacco, the Hokage pressed on.
From the Uchiha Police Report:
A group of shinobi was detained in a state of extreme alcohol intoxication. After a brief questioning, the decision was made to send them all to Ibiki.
The aftermath of the joint assault on the Uchiha Police Station by Ibiki Morino's Interrogation and Torture Department and the Uchiha Clan resulted in: eight Uchiha Clan members found intoxicated, who were swiftly evacuated to Uchiha territory, and a shattered bottle labeled "Elite," over whose shards Ibiki Morino wept, lamenting lost opportunities.
Around the same time, in his office at the Root base, Danzo Shimura sat with a faint smile, stroking a bottle labeled "Elite" that had recently been confiscated from the jinchuriki's apartment.
The month allotted for the quest dragged on painfully slow, but I endured it stoically. A lot happened during that time. First off, someone stole my liqueur—what's the police even doing? They're useless. For a couple of days after the theft, I didn't see a single patrol on the streets.
I also found a couple of new grinding spots—zombies. Let's just say excessive realism kills the vibe. No, I'm not scared of how zombies look, and I'm not squeamish, but the smell? It's a nightmare. It's like a weapon of its own—my eyes water, and I can't stop gagging. Killing zombies is easy: decapitate and done. But getting close enough is the problem because of the stench. My first run through that barrier was my last—I'm not going back without a gas mask. The next spot I found was also full of zombies, and the one after that too. This isn't a village; it's a necropolis! Everywhere I go, it's either insane difficulty—write your will and light a candle before entering—or zombies of every flavor. Only the skeleton-filled cemetery saves me.
Also worth noting: my reputation with Tsukiko dropped because I've been ignoring her lately, while my rep with Yasuka rose for the same reason.
[Author's Note: Yasuka's name sounds like the Russian phrase "Ya suka," meaning "I'm a bitch" in a rude way. I hear it as "I-bitch," which is why I can't help but laugh.]
Oh, and I saw Gopher while scouting new grinding spots. Turns out he landed in the hospital. Poor guy—probably got reassigned from watching me and sent to the frontlines. He got too comfortable with the easy job, and the moment he got something tougher, he ended up in the hospital.
I decided to bring him some gifts—after all, he's pulled me out of exploding experiments plenty of times, even if he started slacking recently. I'd rather he recover and return to watching me by the time the quest ends. A newbie might not react fast enough, and I'd have to deal with the fallout of a failed experiment myself.
So, I packed a bag of oranges and splurged on a bottle of sake. I know from experience those hospital tyrants won't let you drink, but it's the best medicine—calms the nerves and sterilizes the body.
Naturally, they didn't let me in to see him, but I'm not above sneaking through the shadows. His reaction, though, was… odd.
I emerged from the shadow of his bedside table.
— Hello, Gopher-san! How's your health? I brought you some gifts to help you recover faster. — I set the bag of vitamins on the table and placed the sake bottle next to it.
But the moment he heard me, he slowly turned, glanced at the table, and screamed.
— AAAH!!! Begone, evil!
With that yell, he leapt out the window—closed, with bars—dragging the bed he was tied to along with him, despite being on the fifth floor.
Looks like he got hit hard. Nothing I can do—shinobi life is full of dangers.
Sigh, he definitely won't recover by the end of the quest. Shame.
I wonder why he hated the sake so much—surely he didn't label the oranges as evil.
Maybe he got drunk on a mission and ended up with enemy shinobi… of a certain persuasion. Now he's healing from the mental trauma and sees alcohol as evil. Fine, next time just oranges—no booze.
Lately, covering up the jinchuriki's antics has gotten much harder, but the benefits still outweigh the harm. That wine alone is worth it.
One cup induces severe intoxication, and the victim starts answering questions they'd never crack for under the worst torture—completely willingly. Even the Tongue-Tied Seal doesn't help.
Good thing I ordered the second bottle confiscated as soon as I got the initial reports.
With ten bottles of this wine, I could disband Ibiki's department as obsolete.
— Deliver samples to the specialists. Results are to be strictly classified. — Danzo ordered his subordinates.
— Also, if more of this is found in the jinchuriki's apartment, confiscate it immediately but discreetly.
If only I could lock him in our lab for a year or two.
Damn Cat and his setup. Bad enough the Hokage's been running me ragged on missions for years—no free time at all. Now, thanks to him, I'm stuck watching the jinchuriki during my medical leave. I thought I'd have a chance to sort out my personal life during these six weeks—I'm banned from using chakra due to overstraining my channels on my last mission. I'm lucky I didn't end up disabled.
And now I'm forced to babysit this kid instead of fixing my love life. No shifts, either—I can't step away for long. Only at night, when he goes to bed, can I go home to sleep. Alone. Ugh.
Watching him is boring as hell. He has the same routine every day: wake up, wash, exercise, eat, wander the village. He only comes home in the evening and sits there talking to a pot. Poor kid—driven to making a pot his friend. Though I think there's something in it; I hear bubbling sometimes, but I can't make it out from this distance. All the trees near his apartment are completely bare—no leaves to hide in—so I have to observe from afar. Still, I'm curious. Maybe it's a frog?
Finally, the day has come—the quest will be completed today. I'll get my well-earned reward and, most importantly, can resume brewing concoctions and experimenting. Maybe I'll make something to help Gopher—I've visited him three times, and he reacts way too dramatically to my gifts each time. Looking at this victim of the job, I wonder if I really need this. Maybe I should ditch the "Hokage scroll quest" and not graduate from the Academy? Nah, if I don't become a shinobi, they'll probably lock me up somewhere.
That's a problem for the distant future. For now, I need to hit all the available barriers and gather ingredients—there's stuff to find in the village too.
— Alright, Sumire, guard the place. There's been too many thieves lately.
I locked the windows and doors—what a mess. It's the fifth bottle of liqueur that's gone missing. This isn't a shinobi village; it's my historical homeland—can't leave anything unattended, or it'll get stolen.
I set off to gather ingredients but only made it half a block when I heard a scream from the dorm I live in.
— KYAAAA!!!
I ran back to my apartment, stood in front of the door, and started fishing for my keys. Then I heard sounds from inside—sounds that shouldn't be in my apartment for at least another ten years, especially without me. I stepped back to check if I'd gone to the wrong apartment. Nope, definitely mine.
— Damn it.
Did that idiot neighbor or Tsukiko break into my place? Sumire's in there! What kind of debauchery is happening without me? I WON'T ALLOW IT!!!
Finally opening the door, I ran into the room without even taking off my shoes and saw an interesting scene.
In the middle of the room stood a woman, about 20 years old, in a crumpled ANBU uniform. Her mask, depicting some bird, was askew, her face was flushed, and she was breathing heavily, holding the pot with Sumire in her hands.
— And who might you be, and what are you doing here? — I asked, quite reasonably.
— Me? — She replied, a bit nervously.
— Yes, you.
— I'm… a dorm inspector. — She answered with a slight hesitation.
Right, an ANBU doing a dorm inspection. Do I look that stupid? Though… yeah, I do—I'm a blond Naruto. Fine, I'll play along.
— I see. And what are you doing with Sumire? — I decided to check on my tentacled monster's fate.
— With who? — She's acting a bit slow.
— The pot in your hands. That's Sumire—my pet.
— Pet?
Is she brain-damaged, or is she messing with me? Why repeat everything?
— Uh, keeping pets in the dorm is prohibited… — She struggled to classify Sumire's species.
— What? What'll happen to him? — I asked, putting on a sad face.
— Don't worry, I'll take care of him. — She said, gently stroking the pot.
She did it with such a satisfied look on her face that I wanted to shove a whole lemon—peel and all—down her throat.
Sumire bubbled happily in response. Well, I'm not a monster—I won't stop my tentacled friend from fulfilling its life's purpose.
She might not be a magical girl, but Sumire seems fine with it, so I won't interfere.
— What does he eat?
— Anything, but he especially loves sweets.
— So he likes sweets, huh?
She said it in a tone that made me swallow nervously. Sumire, the traitor, bubbled even more happily, as if saying, "Jealous much?"
After sorting everything out, the kunoichi headed for the door, walking a bit stiffly—no surprise, her pants were on backward.
Danzo sat in his office, reading the latest report on the jinchuriki. He rubbed his eye, massaged his temples, and read it again. Pulling a pipe from the depths of his desk, he packed it with special tobacco, took two puffs, and looked at the report.
— I didn't see this. — He said, burning the scroll.
The parting with Sumire dampened my mood, so even after completing the quest, I didn't feel like experimenting. I decided to check my status for once—I rarely look at it.
— Status.
Status
Name: Naruto Uzumaki (Unknown Thing)
Race: Unknown Malicious Thing
Level: 15 (EXP: 8750/55000)
Class: Shinobi Larva
Subclass: — (Unlocks at level 100)
HP: 1150 / 5.22 per min
CP: 980 / 6.2 per min
Bijuu CP: 1,000,000 (partially unlocked)
MP: 23 / 0.2 per min
RP: 50 / 2 per min
Stats:
Strength: 11
Dexterity: 14
Speed: 15
Endurance: 29
Intelligence: 23
Wisdom: 18
Intuition: 20
Spirit: 53
Will: 26
Charisma: 3
Control: 106
Chakra: 14
Mana: 2
Reiryoku: 5
Luck: 3
Body Structure
Free Stat Points: 0
Free Skill Points: 8
Additional Stats:
Elemental Affinities:
Fire: 0.8%
Wind: 1.3%
Lightning: 0.01%
Earth: 0.01%
Water: 0.01%
Life: 2.05%
Death: 2.9%
Light: 0.001%
Darkness: 5.75%
Order: Locked
Chaos: 10.67%
Achievements: "Little Brat," "Fumitox," "Toilet Sage," "Stoned Shaman," "Paranoid," "Terror of the Rat Kin," "Aspiring Korean," "Practitioner of Potion-Brewing-Alchemical-Chimerological-Occult Sciences LEVEL EIGHTY."
Active Skills: "Malicious Dark Lord Laugh" (MAX), "Mad Vivisector Scientist Laugh" (MAX), "Death God's Visage," "Yaki" (Level 9), Meditation (Level 15), "Irritating Gaze" (MAX), "Deep Shadow Plane Dive" (Level 76), "Skinner" (Level 36), "Extreme Cooking" (Level 6), "Seamstress" (Level 12), "Disguise" (Level 32), "Puss in Boots Eyes" (MAX), "Panty Thief's Dream" (Level Over 9000), "Shadow Concealment" (Level 42), "Henge" (Level 56), "Toothy Bun Attack" (Unleveled), "Bite of the UNKNOWN THING" (Level Unknown), "Steel Jaws" (Level 38), "Dramatic Damage Ignorance" (Level Over-the-Top), "Steel Stomach" (Level 86).
Passive Skills: Gamer's Body, Gamer's Mind, Regeneration.
Traits: Gamer, Jinchuriki, Demon, Uzumaki Blood.
I've improved a lot over the past month. Constant exercises and Henge training boosted my Control nicely and slightly increased my chakra reserves. I dumped all my free stat points into Control too—it's finally positive, not the deep negative it used to be.
Control's crucial—the higher it got, the smaller and weaker my failed concoction explosions became. With positive Control, I won't have to stick my hand in the cauldron anymore.
The sword I got from the quest isn't much use now—ghosts are too high-level. Skeletons will run out soon too, leaving only zombies. I'll need to get a gas mask. My thoughts about the future were interrupted by a message.
Param-pam-pam.
Congratulations!!!
Quest Generated: Save Princess Hyuga.
Reward: +5000 reputation with the rescued.
Penalty for Failure/Refusal: Excruciating Death.
I finally wore the system down back then. The penalty's a bit alarming, but she's probably joking. As I ran to the marked location on the map, following the route it laid out, something felt off, but I couldn't figure out what.
Here are those familiar bushes—why did the route go through them? Whatever. My future fourth-size darling, I'm coming for you—take two!
— Scram in terror, imbeciles! — I shouted, bursting out of the bushes.
Of course, things aren't as they should be—again. Hinata's here this time, but instead of three kids, there's a Cloud jonin.
And I landed right in front of him. Hinata was tied up, gagged, and slung over his shoulder.
They say in critical situations, your mind works faster. I calculated my odds as he pulled a kunai from his pouch and threw it at me. My chances weren't zero—they were deeply negative.
So I did the only thing that might give me a shot: I activated "Dramatic Damage Ignorance." A kunai hit me square in the forehead—dodging was impossible for me.
As the Cloud ninja prepared to run off, I stood up from the ground.
— Is that all you've got, mortal? — I said in an ultra-dramatic voice, striking a dramatic pose.
It looked ridiculously dramatic, especially with the kunai still sticking out of my head.
My Intuition screamed that if I didn't keep up the drama, I'd die for sure. The Cloud ninja froze, shocked, then tossed Hinata aside, drew his sword, channeled lightning chakra into it, and charged me. What followed can only be described as a stalemate.
He couldn't kill me, and I couldn't do any real damage—my couple of bites didn't count. I couldn't use Death God's Visage—after activating "Dramatic Damage Ignorance," my HP locked at max. I was ready to use it once the skill's duration ended, but I didn't have high hopes. A jonin isn't a level 3 rat—he might survive. The stat gap is huge; I estimate he's between levels 60 and 70.
Where's that observer when I need her? Probably off indulging in debauchery with Sumire—without me.
If I survive, I'll make sure Gopher gets back on his feet. He'd at least help in a critical moment like this.
As the skill's duration neared its end and I was mentally drafting my will, a miracle happened. Hinata's father burst out of the bushes—note that—and immediately unleashed a Kaiten, hitting me too. The strike landed while my skill was still active, but the collision with the tree afterward didn't. Before I blacked out, I saw a message.
Tch. Param-pam-pam.
Congratulations!!!
Hidden Quest Completed: "Miraculous Survival"
Survive a situation where you were 100% supposed to die.
Reward: +10 Luck.
Luck is great since it doesn't increase with stat points. Now I can sleep.