The next morning, Ramelan House turned into a full-blown DIY war zone.
Tia had a clipboard.Lady Eugenia wore a ghost construction helmet.Ba'zaroth rolled out blueprints labeled "MAXIMUM CHAOS SECURITY PLAN."DJ Deadbeat blasted "Eye of the Tiger" through the hallway speakers.Mr. Floofers had a tiny walkie-talkie strapped to his head.
They were ready.
Step 1: Warding Spells.
Tia and Lady Eugenia chalked protective runes on all the windows and doors.
Tia's were neat and careful.
Eugenia's were... less so.
Somehow, she doodled little angry faces into the protective circles.
"They add personality," Eugenia said defensively.
Unfortunately, the magic misread the faces.
Instead of scaring intruders away, the runes now heckled anyone who walked past.
"NICE SHOES, LOSER!"
"YOUR AURA SMELLS LIKE PICKLES!"
"GO BACK TO SPIRIT KINDERGARTEN!"
The mailman fled in tears.
Lady Eugenia was delighted.
Tia was not.
Step 2: Haunted Traps.
Ba'zaroth was in charge of setting "non-lethal demonic snares."
His first attempt:
A flaming circle trap at the front gate.
Problem:
It ignited way too easily.
Every time someone sneezed nearby, the trap exploded in a ten-foot tower of ghost fire.
Ellis tried to take out the trash and nearly lost his eyebrows.
Mr. Floofers' tail got singed, and he spent the next hour zooming around like a possessed Roomba.
They moved the fire traps to the backyard.
Result: backyard now permanently smells like regret and burnt socks.
Step 3: Illusion Fields.
DJ Deadbeat rigged up holograms using cursed disco lights and ghost projectors.
The plan: create scary illusions to freak out trespassers.
The reality:
A twenty-foot tall Mr. Floofers doing the Macarena.
Ba'zaroth's floating head yelling "SUP" every five seconds.
An endless loop of DJ Deadbeat doing backflips badly.
Instead of terrifying, the illusions made the house look like a weird horror theme park.
Three teenagers showed up thinking it was a haunted attraction.
Lady Eugenia charged them five bucks each.
(Profit.)
Step 4: Surprise Potions.
Tia brewed invisibility potions to help everyone sneak around.
Except...
Potion #1 made people glow in the dark instead of vanish.
Potion #2 turned Ellis into a potted fern for two hours.
Potion #3 made Ba'zaroth speak only in haikus:
"Doom approaches nearFear my burning, cursed eyebrowsAlso, need coffee"
They decided maybe stealth wasn't their strong point.
By noon, Ramelan House looked like a disaster movie.
There were magical potholes in the front yard.
The mailbox had been cursed again (this time it screamed "FEED ME!" whenever someone passed).
An entire corner of the living room floated two inches off the floor and refused to come back down.
Ellis sat on the floating couch, eating chips like it was normal.
Lady Eugenia was teaching ghost yoga.
DJ Deadbeat was DJ-ing an accidental block party for confused neighborhood spirits.
Tia stood in the middle of it all, clipboard in hand, feeling very much like the captain of a sinking ship.
"Alright, new rule," she yelled over the chaos."NO MORE 'HELPFUL' IMPROVEMENTS WITHOUT A MEETING FIRST."
Everyone groaned but nodded.
Even Mr. Floofers, who was attempting to skateboard upside-down along the ceiling.
They called a house meeting around the kitchen table.
Deadbeat passed out ghost donuts.
Ba'zaroth poured molten lava into a coffee mug and called it "espresso."
Lady Eugenia floated upside down dramatically.
Tia took a deep breath.
"Okay," she said."Real talk.We suck at normal security."
Nods all around.
"But," she continued, "we're actually pretty great at being unpredictable."
Ba'zaroth grinned wickedly.
"Chaotic evil energy?"
"Chaotic home defense energy," Tia corrected.
New Plan: Lean into the madness.
Turn Ramelan House into a moving maze.
Let the furniture shift and trap intruders.
Use ghost illusions... but sneak in real ones too.
Let the house itself wake up and defend them.
Operation: Home Alone But Make It Eldritch was a GO.
Everyone cheered.
Even the couch (it burped approvingly).
Training Montage Time:
Cue fast music.
Tia practicing tripwire spells.
Mr. Floofers sabotaging doors with ghost butter.
Ba'zaroth teaching Ellis to throw cursed paint balloons.
Deadbeat installing cursed motion detectors that scream "VIBE CHECK!" when triggered.
Lady Eugenia coordinating ghost formations like a war general.
By sunset, Ramelan House wasn't just a house anymore.
It was a living, breathing, chaotic fortress.
Tia stood on the porch, hands on hips, admiring the very stupid but brilliant setup.
If Brandon or any other shady real estate monster came back?
They'd walk straight into the wildest, dumbest, most haunted home defense system ever created.
And honestly?
Tia was kinda proud.
That night, as she curled up with Mr. Floofers (who had finally stopped glowing), Tia smiled to herself.
This house was weird.It was dangerous.It was messy.
But it was home.
And she'd fight tooth and nail (and ghost butter) to protect it.