Tia Ramelan had survived cursed weddings, bureaucratic demons, and an exploding goat, but nothing—and she meant nothing—terrified her more than the email she just received.
Subject:SURPRISE VISIT! <3Message:
Hi Tia!!We're road-tripping up to see you this weekend! Can't wait to see your new "business venture!" Your Aunt Sari made banana bread!Love,Mom, Dad, Aunt Sari, Uncle Jon, Grandma Leila (and Bingo the parrot!!)
Tia stared at the screen in horror.
No amount of ghost-proof wallpaper could prepare her for this.
"You're telling me your entire mortal bloodline is coming?" Lady Eugenia floated backward in disbelief.
"Yes," Tia said, hyperventilating into a cursed tea towel. "And none of them know the house is haunted."
Ellis helpfully held up a sign:"You lied?"Underneath, he added:"(Respect.)"
"I didn't lie," Tia argued. "I just... omitted the part about the B&B being 70% supernatural real estate and 30% bad Yelp photos."
DJ Deadbeat dropped an ominous beat called "Family Damage Control (Remix)."
Even Mr. Floofers looked nervous—and he once swallowed a haunted hairbrush.
Tia gathered the ghosts for an emergency meeting.
"Ground rules!" she barked, pacing the weeping hallway. "For the next 48 hours, NO haunting, NO floating, NO demonic possession, NO blood messages on the walls—I don't care if they're motivational quotes!"
Lady Eugenia crossed her arms. "This is oppressive."
Ellis dramatically pretended to faint.
DJ Deadbeat muttered, "But I just perfected my invisible conga line routine…"
"I MEAN IT," Tia snapped. "Normal. Human. Behavior."
Mr. Floofers coughed up a tiny white flag in surrender.
Saturday morning hit like a paranormal freight train.
The minivan pulled into the driveway, coughing up an army of pastel suitcases, banana bread, and Bingo the parrot, who immediately started screaming, "SINNER!" at full volume.
Tia stood stiffly on the porch, trying to smile while wearing what could only be described as "I'm totally fine" energy.
"Sweetheart!" her mom cried, rushing up the steps. "Oh my God, look at you! You're thriving!"
Behind her, Tia's dad squinted at the house like it might bite him.
"Looks... rustic," he said doubtfully.
Bingo shrieked, "IT'S CURSED!"
Tia laughed a little too loudly. "Just... very historical! Haha!"
Things went wrong almost immediately.
Grandma Leila tried to sit in a ghost chair (occupied by Ellis) and screamed when it "mysteriously" scooted away.
Uncle Jon swore he heard someone whispering Latin in the laundry room. (It was Lady Eugenia doing her "dramatic sobbing rehearsal.")
Aunt Sari's banana bread levitated for approximately 3 seconds before crashing back onto the table.
"That's just... airflow," Tia mumbled, shoving a slice into her mouth.
Bingo pecked at the wall and yelled, "SATAN'S BASEMENT!"
Tia slammed the birdcage shut. "Time for the house tour!"
The tour was a minefield of near-disasters.
Grandma Leila found a weeping mirror. Tia claimed it was "artisanal condensation."
Aunt Sari opened the dumbwaiter and got sprayed with ectoplasmic glitter. Tia said it was "a hipster air freshener."
Uncle Jon got trapped in a shifting hallway. DJ Deadbeat casually remixed his panicked screams into background music.
Through it all, Tia plastered a grin onto her face so hard her jaw twitched.
She was barely holding it together.
Then her mom asked The Question.
"So, Tia… what's your five-year plan?"
Tia's soul momentarily left her body.
"My what now?"
"Your five-year plan, sweetheart!" her mom chirped, nibbling levitating banana bread like nothing was wrong. "You know—goals! Promotions! Settling down with someone nice who isn't imaginary!"
Tia glanced toward the ghost ballroom, where Lady Eugenia and DJ Deadbeat were mid-dramatic interpretive dance battle.
The chandelier blinked "HELP" in Morse code.
Tia's left eye twitched. "I'm building... a brand."
Uncle Jon snorted. "Selling what? Haunted muffins?"
Tia opened her mouth to defend herself—and then the wall moaned.
Loudly.
Like, full-on opera ghost wailing.
Everyone froze.
Grandma Leila crossed herself. Aunt Sari fainted into a decorative urn.
Bingo shrieked, "BEGONE!"
Tia laughed hysterically. "Just... quirky plumbing! So charming, right?! Haha!"
No one moved.
And then Ba'zaroth arrived.
Bursting out of the dumbwaiter like a cursed jack-in-the-box, he appeared in a sharp pinstripe suit, grinning ear-to-ear.
"Hello, mortals!" he crowed. "Welcome to the greatest haunted investment property in the tri-county area!"
Tia screamed internally.
Grandma Leila screamed externally.
Uncle Jon threw a banana bread loaf at him.
Ba'zaroth dodged and bowed dramatically. "I am Barry, the... uh... building inspector."
Ellis held up a sign behind him:"THIS IS A LIE."
Bingo chanted, "SATAN! SATAN! SATAN!"
Ba'zaroth winked at the parrot. "Love your energy."
Tia dragged Ba'zaroth into the kitchen by the ear.
"What are you doing here?!" she hissed.
"Helping," he said smugly. "And possibly recruiting your grandmother for the Underworld Shuffleboard League."
"I'm BEGGING you to be normal for 10 minutes."
Ba'zaroth pulled out a clipboard that smelled faintly of brimstone. "Fine. I'll behave. If you agree to hear me out on a business merger proposal later."
Tia stared at him.
She was so tired.
So, so tired.
"Deal," she groaned. "Ten minutes."
Miraculously, Ba'zaroth actually helped.
He conjured a complimentary wine tasting in the living room.("Is it haunted wine?" her mom whispered. "It tastes... ethereal.")
He redirected Uncle Jon into a fake "secret passage tour," which mostly involved walking him in a circle until he forgot he was mad.
He taught Grandma Leila and Aunt Sari how to salsa with ghostly partners. (Grandma Leila might've summoned something on accident, but at least she was smiling.)
Even Bingo calmed down, mainly because Ba'zaroth bribed him with ghost peanuts.
By sunset, the family was laughing.
Relaxed.
Almost happy.
Tia sat on the porch with Lady Eugenia, DJ Deadbeat, and Ellis, watching her family dance around the haunted garden.
"You pulled it off," Eugenia said, sounding almost impressed.
"I don't even know how," Tia muttered, dazed.
"Your house likes you," Ellis wrote on a whiteboard.Underneath:"It protected you."
DJ Deadbeat bumped shoulders with her. "You're family. Even to the walls."
Tia smiled, heart aching in a good way.
For the first time, she realized… maybe she didn't have to choose between worlds.
Maybe she could have both.
Weird, wonderful, chaotic family—both living and dead.
Inside, Ba'zaroth toasted the air.
"To curses, chaos, and extremely low property taxes!"
The chandelier dropped a ghost confetti bomb on him.
He didn't even flinch.
He just winked at Tia across the room.
She knew—this wasn't over.
The demon had plans.
And somehow, they involved her.