ELI
The day had swallowed me whole. I didn't even know when I fell asleep, my body simply gave up after everything Damir put me through. My legs still throbbed faintly, and a warm, achy tightness lingered between them. It was the kind of soreness that whispered remembrance through my nerves, vivid and blushing. I stirred slowly, my cheek pressed into Damir's bare chest, rising and falling with his steady breath.
It was dark.
Midnight.
The room smelled like him…cologne, sweat, something faintly smoky and masculine. I blinked slowly, adjusting to the dim glow of the bedside lamp Damir must've left on. His arms were still wrapped tightly around me, and I smiled without even meaning to. I was caged in the safest trap, one that made me feel spoiled, sinful, and stupidly happy.
My fingers brushed lightly over his jaw, tracing the almost-smooth shadow of his beard. The tiny bristles tickled my fingertips. He didn't stir. I studied his face closely, his lips slightly parted, his lashes long and dark over high cheekbones, his brows furrowed faintly like he was dreaming something intense.
I couldn't stop the blush.
Snuggling closer, I tucked my head under his chin, letting out a soft little whimper as I rubbed against him. That tiny sound was enough to stir him.
"Hmm?" His voice was groggy, thick with sleep.
"I'm awake," I whispered shyly.
His arms flexed around me instinctively, warm and secure.
I started pouting again, I didn't even know why. Maybe I just wanted his attention. Maybe it was because I'd slept all day and now I just wanted to exist beside him again. He nipped at my pouting lips, dragging soft kisses along the bottom one.
"Stop that," I whined, giggling through it.
"Mm. Can't help it. You're tempting," he murmured, nipping again.
I lightly smacked his chest, playfully dramatic, and sighed. "Can I have water?"
"Of course," he replied, already sitting up with me in his arms.
"I want to go down with you," I added quickly, clutching onto him.
Damir smiled softly. "Clingy little thing."
I wrapped my legs around his waist, curling into him like a koala. "I've been inside all day. Let me have this."
He chuckled and stood, carrying me like I weighed nothing. My legs locked around his waist, arms draped over his shoulders, cheek resting on his chest again. The stairs creaked softly beneath us as he made his way to the kitchen.
The house was mostly quiet, shadows stretching over walls and furniture. The lights in the hallway were dimmed, giving the place a soft, hushed glow. It made everything feel more intimate.
When we reached the kitchen, he opened the fridge with one hand, still holding me with the other.
He poured me a glass of cold water, then set me gently on the kitchen counter like I was made of glass.
"Wait here," he murmured, brushing his thumb over my cheek.
I nodded, licking my dry lips and watching him move to get his own glass. He was shirtless, wearing only sweatpants low on his hips. The sight of him did something to me, it brought back the entire afternoon in vivid, overwhelming flashes.
My breath hitched.
I couldn't stop staring at him, how the moonlight from the window kissed his muscles. My thighs squeezed together unconsciously. I bit my lip. Then I couldn't take it anymore.
As he turned back to me, I reached for his hand and pulled him back between my legs, cupping his face and crashing our mouths together.
He grunted in surprise, but didn't stop me. His lips molded over mine instantly, like they belonged there.
I moaned into the kiss, fingers weaving into his hair as I dragged him closer, pressing my chest into his. His hands gripped my thighs, pulling me tighter against his body. He started unbuttoning the shirt I wore…his shirt and I let him, gasping into his mouth.
"I missed you…" I murmured breathlessly.
"You had me all day," he smirked, kissing along my jaw.
"It's not enough," I admitted, wrapping my arms around his neck.
He groaned lowly and tilted his head to kiss me deeper, teeth grazing my bottom lip. The way his fingers traced the sides of my waist made me melt. My back arched a little on the counter.
And then….
Click.
The kitchen light came on.
I didn't even hear the footsteps. I didn't expect the light.
But the second it flicked on the click it was like someone ripped the air out of the room. My breath caught in my throat. My whole body froze, and my eyes widened like a deer trapped in headlights.
My dad was standing right there.
In the doorway. Just… staring.
I didn't even have time to think. One second I was kissing Damir like I couldn't breathe without him, my shirt half open, my thighs parting like it was muscle memory and the next, I was frozen in place, heart pounding so loud I thought I was going to pass out.
He looked shocked. Not angry. Not yelling. But just still.
And I hated it.
I hated that I didn't know what that stillness meant. I hated how my chest started tightening, my stomach twisting, my eyes already burning even though no one had said anything yet. I felt like the word slut was already hanging in the air….like he was about to say it again.
I couldn't breathe. I couldn't move fast enough.
"I…I'm sorry," I whispered, so quietly I barely heard myself.
My hands were shaking. I grabbed the buttons of Damir's shirt, the one I'd stolen, the one I'd been wearing all day like it made me feel safe but now it just felt wrong. I couldn't get the buttons done fast enough. My fingers were trembling so badly I gave up halfway and just jumped down from the counter, stumbling a little, panic crawling up my throat.
I just wanted to get out.
Run.
Disappear.
But just as I was rushing past, a hand caught my wrist.
I flinched.
It was him. Dad.
I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want him to see me like this. My face was red. My eyes were wet. My shirt was open, my legs bare, my heart broken. And I felt like a child and a disgrace all at once.
"Eli. Wait."
His voice wasn't angry. That's what made it worse. It was calm. Too calm.
I tried to pull my arm free, but he held it gently, just tight enough to stop me. And then he said….
"I'm not mad."
I still couldn't look at him. My chin trembled. My chest was so tight it physically hurt. I was blinking fast, trying to stop the tears, but it was useless. They were already falling.
He said it again, softer this time. "Eli… I'm not disgusted."
My breath caught.
That word. It burned like acid in my throat. It triggered everything…..everything he's ever said to me. Every insult, every bitter glare, every time he refused to meet my eyes or brushed me off like I was an embarrassment.
"You always are," I whispered. My voice was shaking, weak. "You always said it… That I was a slut. That I ruined everything."
I could feel myself crumbling. I didn't want to cry. Not like this. Not again. Not in front of him.
"You always looked at me like I was… dirty. Like I was wrong. Even before Damir. Even before I started dressing like this or acting like…." I swallowed hard. "Like myself."
He didn't speak.
"I'm not stupid," I said quietly. "I know you hate me for being like this. For… not being like other boys."
I finally turned to him.
His eyes were glossy. His brows were pulled together, and his lips parted slightly like he wanted to say something but didn't know how.
He looked sad.
Not angry.
Just… sad.
"I never hated you," he said. "I just didn't know how to protect you."
I stared at him, my heart pounding. The ache in my chest had shifted…..it still hurt, but in a different way now. I didn't know if I believed him. I wanted to. God, I wanted to. But it was hard.
"You called me things…" I whispered. "You made me feel like I was disgusting. Like no one would ever love me."
He stepped forward, slowly. "I was scared," he said. "You were so delicate. And I knew the world wouldn't be kind to you. I thought… if I was hard enough on you, maybe you'd toughen up. Maybe you'd be safer."
I bit my lip.
"I didn't need to be tough," I said bitterly. "I just needed to be loved."
And that was it.
That broke me.
I turned away. I didn't want him to see my face. I didn't want to see his.
I didn't even wait to hear what he'd say next. I just walked off. My legs were weak. My chest was hollow. I felt Damir's warmth come behind me, but I didn't stop.
I didn't want comfort.
I just wanted to breathe.