"Do what you feel in your heart to be right—for you'll be criticized anyway."
— Eleanor Roosevelt
Chapter 49
How could I explain the deep and intense fear the minister elicited from anyone who came near him?
How could I explain the fear I had of the minister doing to my family what he had done to Jason's? How could I explain believing that enduring it was much easier than running away from it?
Jacobi shut his eyes and rubbed his temples vigorously, clearly agitated. "I have to go," he finally said, rising to his feet. "Call me if you need anything."
And with that, he left the room.
I stared at the shut door, crestfallen. Even though I knew he was only doors away in his office, his unceremonious departure signalled to me his repulsion by my story, confirmation that I was indeed damaged.
And even though it was a realisation I had lived with for years, this time it hurt. It truly hurt.
The next day, after weeks of trying, madam maria was finally given access to me.
"Zeynep!" she exclaimed, rushing to embrace me. "Thank God! I was almost beginning to think you were dead."
I held on to my dear friend, heart-warmed to see a familiar face. For the first time since my admission in the hospital, I'd been attended to that morning by a nurse, and not Jacobi. I hadn't even had the courage to ask her about his whereabouts and simply accepted that this was the way it would be from now on.
"You look so well!" madam maria exclaimed, touching my face. "You don't know how worried I have been. The nurses told me you were fine, but I didn't believe them. Not after the way I saw you last."
We were both quiet after her statement, both of us teleported back in time to the awful incident that had brought me there.
"Has he been coming to the house?" I asked, both of us knowing who 'he' was.
She shook her head. "Not at all. He hasn't been to the house since that day. In fact, he didn't even come home after taking you to the hospital. That's going on six weeks now," she leaned in, her voice dropping to a whisper. "We heard that they are having police wahala. That's why even the minister has still not come back home. It's been close to three months since he went away,and he has never been gone for this long. Even the money he left for housekeeping has long been exhausted. It's been very tough at the estate."
My heart went out to her. "I still have most of the money he left for me. It's in my bedside drawer –"
She smiled and rubbed my hand. "No need for that, my child. We are managing. I'm sure he'll come home soon."
"What about Catherine?" I asked after a while. "Is she back home now?"
Uzochi shrugged. "She comes, and she goes. That girl is up to no good, but she's an adult, so there's nothing I can do about it." She looked at me imploringly. "Did she tell you anything about where it is she goes to all the time?"
Not wanting to break the young woman's confidence, I simply shrugged. "i don't know
Madam Maria nodded, fully understanding my inability to say more. All we could both do was pray Catherine was staying safe.
I proceeded to feast on the bowl of native Indian dish she'd brought me, as we engaged in small chitchat and gossip.
After visiting for about an hour, she eventually left with the promise to return the next day. Sated by the food, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.
It was the scent of flowers that awakened me.
I opened my eyes to find two large vases on the table, with bouquets of the most exotic flowers I had ever seen.
However, it wasn't the sight of the flowers that gladdened my heart, but of Jacobi sitting on the chair by my side.
"I was beginning to wonder if we'd given you a sleeping pill by mistake," he smiled. "I'm told you've been asleep for hours."
"Blame madam and her good cooking," I managed to giggle in response, even though I was so lightheaded with relief, I could barely breathe.
"Why the flowers?"
"Because you said something about flowers making you happy, and I found a nice florist on the streets of New-York," he answered. "And also to apologise for the way I left last night. I just couldn't listen to it any longer. All I wanted to do, and still want to if I'm being honest, was to punch Ibrahim in the face."
The smile wiped off my face, and I grabbed his hand in fear. "ibrahim is a very dangerous man. Please, don't even entertain that kind of thought."
He sat on my bed and covered my hand with his other hand, tenderness in his eyes. "Don't worry zeynep. I won't do something quite so rash. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to do anything at all. He is going to get his coming to him if it's the last thing I do."
I guess I just had to be satisfied with that.
"While we're apologising," I said, finally ready to address the elephant in the room. "I'm really sorry for the way I jumped you the other evening. I took advantage of your care and concern for me, and I regret that."
He said nothing in response, and we sat in congenial silence for a while. "I remember the very first day I saw you," he said, smiling. "I was home for the holidays from med school and was at the mosque with my folks. And then I saw this…this vision. You were the most beautiful human being I had ever seen in my life. I remember my older brother shoving me to close my mouth, which was hanging wide open. That was how stupefied I was by you. All I kept thinking that day, and every time I saw you after that, was what on earth is a girl like that doing with someone like that man ?"
I looked at him, stunned by what he was saying. He had never given me any reason to think he'd even as much as noticed me before his return to Boston.
"Another fun fact," he continued, chuckling now. "I don't remember much about my wedding.There were so many people there, guests from both families, that I can hardly remember who was or wasn't there. But I do remember you." He turned to look at me. "You wore a yellow chiffon dress, and you looked just like sunshine. And even then, on my wedding day, I still wondered what on earth a woman like you was doing with a man like The monster!"
"And when you came back home after so many years, did you still think I looked like sunshine?" I asked, hoping to sound tongue-in-cheek, but really wanting to know. "Or was I a shadow of what you remembered?"
"zeynep," he answered. "You are even more beautiful now than you were all those years ago. Seeing you the day I came to visit the minister, I was 20 years old all over again."
Our eyes held, and it suddenly felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room.
"So, why did you reject me? Why did you turn me away?" I asked.
"It didn't feel right. It didn't feel like the right thing to do," he answered, his face so close to mine I could feel his breath on my skin. "You might have been the one making the move, but it felt like I was the one taking advantage of you."
"And now?" was my breathless question, my heart racing so fast, it felt like it would jump right out of my chest. "Does it still feel wrong now?"
In response, he leaned even closer and grazed his lips with mine. I shut my eyes, savouring the featherlight touch of his lips and the feel of his nose brushing over mine.
"I could lose my license for this," he chuckled.
"What are you doing to me, zeynep?"
And before I could protest, he pulled away.
"Jacobi –"
"I think it's better for me to leave," he said. "Good night, Zeynep."
I stared after the door, angry with him for teasing me, and with myself for getting my hopes up a second time.
But I couldn't even stay angry for long.
Remembering his words brought a smile to my face. Even if nothing ever came out of it, just knowing he thought me beautiful was truly enough to make my heart smile.
The next day, he didn't come to my room at all, and I was attended to by the nurses on duty the whole day. I mourned his absence and found myself wishing we'd never had the conversations we'd had in the last few days in the first place, conversations which had obviously driven him away.
I would much rather have had him there, even only as my doctor, than not having him at all.
That evening, after dinner, I lay on the bed, idly watching peppa pig on the wall-mounted television, and wondering how much longer I could be accommodated in the hospital. I clearly couldn't stay there forever, and it was high time for me to start making some sort of exit plan, especially with the minister and Ibrahim being M.I.A. My injuries had long healed, and I knew I was strong enough to leave, so it was probably in everyone's better interest if I did than ending up a corpse.