Great, just great, Rion thought, his sarcasm reaching new heights. Of all the people in this bank, of course I get picked.
Rion sighed inwardly. The universe was clearly having a laugh at his expense today.
His mind raced as he was pulled toward the robbers. Clubs K, shoved him forward, barking, "Move it!"
The barrel of the shotgun from Diamond J hovered close to his back, and he felt the cold metal press against his skin. His mind was calculating distances, positions, and timing.
Once they were near the bank vault, Rion saw his chance. With a swift, fluid motion, he spun around, grabbing the barrel of the shotgun. In a split second, he twisted it out of Diamond J's hands, redirecting the barrel upward and smashing it against his nose. The man yelped, staggering back as blood spurted from his broken nose.
Oohhhh... That's gonna leave a mark...
Rion didn't waste a moment. He swung the shotgun around like a bat, catching Heart Q in the temple. The impact sent the man crashing into a stack of boxes, his gun skittering across the floor.
Clubs K blinked in shock, but Rion was already moving. He stepped in close, jabbing his elbow into Clubs K's gut. The air rushed out of the leader's lungs with a wheeze, and Rion followed up with an uppercut that sent him sprawling backward, crashing into a desk.
The entire sequence took less than five seconds.
The young operative stared wide-eyed, too stunned to scream. Rion, holding the shotgun casually over his shoulder, glanced around to ensure no other threats were lurking.
"Alright, everyone," he called out to the terrified crowd. "Stay where you are. Situation's handled."
The three robbers lay on the ground, groaning. Rion approached Clubs K, who was trying to crawl away on his hands and knees.
"Oh no, you don't," he said, grabbing the man by the back of his collar and dragging him over to join his buddies. The other two were still dazed, and Rion gave each of them a firm slap across the face to snap them out of it.
"OW! What the hell, man?" Diamond J complained, his voice muffled by the blood still pouring from his nose. He was trying to sound tough, but his whiney tone betrayed him.
"Yeah, you can't just hit people like that!" Heart Q added, wincing as he touched the spot where Rion had struck him.
"Oh, I absolutely can," Rion replied, his tone deadpan. "And I will, especially since you worsened my already bad mood. Now, shut up."
Clubs K spat out a mouthful of blood, glaring up at Rion. "Fuck you! Just call the cops already you freak. At most we'll spend some time in jail. And when we get out, we won't forget what you did to us, the esteemed Card brothers."
Rion raised an eyebrow, his expression shifting from bemused to incredulous. "Really? Esteemed? You guys?" He chuckled, shaking his head. "I've seen more esteemed garbage collectors. Hell, I've met crows with better heist strategies."
Clubs K, groggy but defiant, nodded. "Fuck you! We're not just gonna let you—"
"Alright, I tire of this. Let's see how much esteem you've got left," Rion interrupted, cutting off Clubs K's indignant rant. "All of you- strip. Now."
The three robbers looked at him in disbelief. "What?"
"You heard me," Rion said, aiming the shotgun at them. "Clothes off, now! Esteemed, my ass. Let's see how much esteem you have left after standing here in your underwear."
The bank patrons, who had been huddled together in fear, began to murmur, weirded out by the absurdity of the situation. A few of them
exchanged puzzled glances, unsure whether they should be more afraid of Rion or the robbers.
The robbers hesitated, glancing at each other for some sort of silent confirmation. They seemed to be grappling with the humiliation of the situation.
"I'm not doing this," Diamond J grumbled, crossing his arms defiantly. "I have some self-respect, you know?"
Rion rolled his eyes, keeping the shotgun trained on them. "Self-respect? Buddy, you're robbing an ATM with a clay-molded bomb. And you used codenames like a discount spy movie. I think the time for self-respect is long gone. Also, all humans are born into the world naked, so what are you getting all embarrassed for? Now strip, or I start singing a little tune called 'Jailbird in Pajamas'."
Clubs K, perhaps still dazed from Rion's earlier punch, stood up shakily. "Alright, alright, just... don't shoot." He started to peel off his ski mask, then his black jacket, and finally his jeans, tossing each item onto the floor with a resigned sigh.
Heart Q and Diamond J reluctantly followed suit, their faces reddening with embarrassment. One by one, they removed their clothes until they were left standing in their boxers and socks, looking more like they'd just lost a bet than attempted a heist.
Clubs K was sporting a pair of neon green boxers with pink flamingos. Heart Q was wearing tighty-whities, and Diamond J, despite his broken nose and bruised ego, managed to look slightly embarrassed in his red polka-dotted briefs.
Rion, trying to suppress a grin, addressed the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, the esteemed Card Brothers! In their newest act: 'Desperately Dumb and Dangerously Dumbfounded.' Give them a round of applause!"
The tension in the room shifted, as nervous chuckles and scattered applause rippled through the crowd. The robbers glared at Rion, who just winked at them.
Turning back to the robbers, Rion's tone shifted slightly, a bit more serious now. "Alright, here's what's going to happen. You're going to lie face down on the floor, hands where I can see them. If anyone even twitches funny, I'll make sure your next outfit will be hospital gowns. Got it?"
The three men, now thoroughly cowed, did as they were told, lying down on the cold tile floor. Rion then walked over to the stunned young operator. "Hey, do you have any zip ties or anything back there?" he asked.
She blinked, as if coming out of a trance. "Uh, yeah, I think so. Let me check." She rummaged around behind the counter and came back with a handful of thick zip ties. "Will these work?"
"Perfect," Rion said, taking them. He crouched down and efficiently tied the robbers' hands behind their backs, making sure the ties were tight but not overly painful. "There we go. Now, just stay put, and I promise not to write 'I'm a big dumb criminal' on your foreheads."
He stood up, turning to the crowd once more. "Okay, folks, it's probably safe to call the authorities now. Let them know we've got three idiots tied up and waiting for a ride to the police station."
The young operator, her hands still shaking a bit, nodded and picked up the phone to call the local police.
As Rion watched the young operator make the call, he looked over the crowd of patrons. Most of them were still seated on the benches, visibly shaken but beginning to calm down now that the immediate danger seemed to be over.
Rion scanned the room and spotted a middle-aged man with a steady gaze who seemed to be more composed than the others. The man had a reassuring presence, and Rion figured he would be the best person to leave in charge until the police arrived.
"Hey, you," Rion called out, pointing to the man. "Come over here for a second.
"The man hesitated briefly, then stood up and walked over to Rion. "Yes, sir?" he asked, his voice calm despite the chaos that had unfolded.
"I'm going to need you to hold onto this for a minute," Rion said, handing him the shotgun. The man took it, albeit with a look of uncertainty.
"Don't worry; just keep it pointed at them," Rion instructed, nodding toward the tied-up robbers. "If any of them so much as twitch, well, let's just say you have my full permission to show them why messing with the good people of this bank was a bad idea."
The man nodded, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth as he took a firmer grip on the shotgun. "I can handle that," he replied, his eyes narrowing at the robbers, who were now looking a lot less defiant.
"Great," Rion said, giving him a pat on the shoulder. "And remember, just keep your finger off the trigger unless you mean business. The police should be here any minute."
Satisfied that the situation was under control, Rion turned back to the ATM. His cash was still sitting in the tray, untouched and, thankfully, unscathed by the commotion. He quickly grabbed the stack of bills and the receipt, stuffing them into his pocket.
As he made his way toward the exit, the sound of approaching sirens filled the air. "Perfect timing," Rion muttered to himself. He gave the man with the shotgun one last nod before pushing open the door and leaving.
Within moments, the police burst through the doors, guns drawn, ready to apprehend the situation. The officers quickly assessed the scene, finding the three half-naked robbers lying on the ground and the man standing there, holding the shotgun with a serious expression on his face.
One officer, clearly the lead, pointed his gun at the man. "Drop the weapon, now!"
The man holding the shotgun immediately raised his hands in a show of compliance, letting the weapon fall to the floor with a clatter. "Whoa, whoa! I'm not one of them! I was just holding the gun for the guy who stopped the robbery!"
The lead officer kept his gun trained on the man, his eyes darting between the three half-naked robbers on the floor and the frightened bank patrons huddled against the walls. "What's going on here?" he demanded, his voice sharp and authoritative.
The young operative stepped forward, still shaking but trying to hold herself together. "Officer, please! This man isn't a robber. The guy who stopped them gave him the shotgun to keep these idiots in check until you got here. He saved all of us!"
The officer's eyes narrowed as he assessed the situation. He slowly lowered his gun but didn't holster it just yet. "Alright, everyone stay calm. Jones, secure the suspects. Mark, get statements from the witnesses. And someone tell me where this guy who 'stopped the robbery' went."
Clubs K, his face bruised and bloody, groaned as Jones yanked him up to a sitting position. "This is bullshit," he spat. "Some psycho just came outta nowhere and jumped us! We didn't even get a chance to—"
Jones silenced him with a glare. "Save it for your lawyer. You'll have plenty of time to think about your life choices in lockup."
Meanwhile, Officer Mark was moving through the crowd, taking statements from the witnesses.
One young man took a deep breath, steadying himself. "Well, like the others said, these three busted in and started waving their guns around. Next thing we know, this dude moves like lightning and bam kapow took them down one after another. Then he gave the gun to the other dude and told him to make sure they didn't do anything stupid while he grabbed his cash from the ATM. Then he just walked out, like a goddamn movie character."
The officer's brow furrowed as he processed the information. "Did you recognize him? Did he say anything that might give us a clue who he is?"
The man shook his head. "Nope. Never seen him before in my life. And he didn't exactly stick around for introductions."
The officer sighed, clearly frustrated by the lack of leads. "Alright, we're going to need everyone's contact information in case we have more questions. And if any of you see this guy again, you need to let us know immediately. We can't have people taking the law into their own hands, no matter how good their intentions might be."
With that, the police officers continued to secure the scene, taking statements and collecting evidence. The three robbers were led out in handcuffs, their heads hung low in defeat, while the bank patrons slowly began to regain their composure, murmuring amongst themselves about the morning's unexpected hero and his mysterious disappearance.
As for their unexpected hero, he was currently in a furniture shop haggling with the store owner over the price of a new bed.