Ruo Yu, at the age of 17, wished the world would stop, would end. It was a moment of weakness that she considered an eternal desire for an end to endless suffering. She wished the world would stop, just as she had wished at the ages of 6, 10, and 16. Deep within her was a constant desire to leave, to leave misery, herself, and the empire.
But no one can really escape the empire.
They can betray the empire,
and the empire will betray them no matter what.
Some things are certain and written down long ago..
After Ruo Yu's collapse, she remained in Xue Yan's mansion, returning to the same place she had escaped from. Every word she said had its opposite effect in front of Xue Yan. She was overcome with desire to destroy him for the sake of her pride.
all her plans kept being postponed since the moment she saw him. She spent a week being cared for by doctors to remove the poison from her body, and her mission partially failed, as when Xue Yan arrived, the founders had disappeared. Whether it was Ruo Yu's observation or suspicion, it was now clear that she would inevitably meet An Wen again.
To take revenge.
She was another target in a novel that Ruo Yu carried in her heart, a novel about tyranny and injustice. And forgotten hearts, the biggest forgotten heart: was her own.
She felt proud though, for sure, there was another wicked woman in this wretched empire, what happy news.
If bombs had been dropped, or this empire and its people had been burned, Ruo Yu wouldn't have felt too sorry. She felt that if they had rotted and been eaten by insects, it would have been a breathtaking sight. Heartwarming.
Her bed was under the window, her body leaning outward, looking at the street, analyzing the looks of others and their lives, those carrying flowers, those walking with their loved ones, happy families, smiling merchants - it was different from the world she had witnessed, she was surprised that flowers were given to others. And that smiling was a spontaneous act, not a deliberate one.
She always thought flowers were given to the dead - yet no matter how dead she was, not a single flower was thrown at her.
As if she were not quite dead to be recognized as a corpse, nor quite alive to be recognized as a human being.
Right in between of everything.
The door to her room opened, she didn't look back, the steps were light, but firm, with every step her heart beat violently, "I see you give me more than I deserve," she said
"You didn't refuse though. Even if it was more than you deserved."
"That's because you're the one losing with your kindness, as long as I benefit, I don't care."
"It's hard to understand you."
"I don't want to be understood."
He was standing in front of her bed, "This isn't true, if we aren't understood by others, how can we live?" His features were honest, even if she had seen them she wouldn't have understood.
"We don't live. There is no life."
"Look around you, isn't this life?", Ruo Yu turned to him, the background was a vast sky. He wished for her to feel like she was a part of it, that she belonged to it. She replied, her hair flying, "Look into my eyes. And try to find if you see life."
But still, when he looked into her eyes, he found life. He found eyes that sparkled, that enchanted, that could kill.
He turned his face away, trying to get back into character. His intentions were unknown, and on the other hand, to others, Ruo Yu appeared very weak, sad, and in pain. Although she hated to be seen like that, it worked in her favor. She wondered how he would feel when he knew she was a member of Hui Lang. And one of the highest ranks...
Her sorrows were explained by many sayings, and each saying was not true or even close, and at the same time, each saying was a mirror of a true emotion in Ruo Yu's heart, but not one of them explained the reason for the fragmentation of her heart and soul, so it was difficult, if not impossible, to understand what was going on in a soul that only shows what it wants you to see.
But the likes of Ruo Yu did not know that a simple act like this would have an effect on her soul greater than the effect of wars, because when you deceive others in your being, your being begins to take shape as a form that has nothing to do with you. Your being breaks. And you begin to fall.
To break the silence of the moment - and what comes deep within the silence.
Ruo Yu tried to get out of bed— too fast, too dazed.
The blanket twisted around her legs like fate's lazy joke, and she fell forward,
onto Xue Yan.
Her hands landed on his shoulders,
his hands instinctively caught her waist.
A moment suspended—not in shock, but in something else.
Something slower, older.
She was finally at his height—
no masks, no distance, only the fragile nearness of breath. Her body leaned into him, not from weakness, but from something unspoken.
Her black hair spilled forward,
a soft veil over her flushed face, hiding everything but her trembling breath.
He didn't move.
He just looked at her.
And she— though she'd survived poison, fire, and lies—
felt suddenly defenseless under that gaze.
It wasn't hunger.
It wasn't curiosity.
It was stillness.
Like he was memorizing the exact weight of her— not just her body, but her presence. Like he knew she'd try to leave again, and wanted to carry this version of her in memory.
One minute passed, but in her chest,
time expanded. It became a thousand years of unspoken words.
A lifetime of someone seeing her—
not Lily, not the performer, not the blade behind the smile—
just her.
His fingers didn't tighten on her waist,
but they didn't let go either.
She almost spoke.
Almost said, "Do you always look at people like that?"
But she didn't.
She let her silence answer for her.
Let her hair fall between them.
Let her heart beat too loud for a moment that wasn't meant to last
a moment that wasn't meant to ever be called hers.
Because people like her— don't get to fall into others.
They only ever fall onto them.
And even then, they always get up first.
The only complete fall is often the fall into the abyss of everything and nothing.