Interrogation Room: 9th Circle of Bookkeeping
He slammed down a scroll the size of a small house.
"Line 312. You claimed spiritual duck eggs as 'weapons-grade artifacts.'"
I blinked. "Have you seen what they do to people with allergies?!" He flipped a page.
"Line 802. You expensed six kegs of demonic root beer for 'cultivation research.'"
Yue leaned in. "That was real research! I passed out, and saw a vision of my past life!" Auditor Xiang ignored her.
He snapped his fingers, and a cage full of receipts appeared. Literal receipts. With teeth.... They barked at me.
"I… I don't even remember buying a soul-flavored incense warmer!" I wailed.
"Doesn't matter," Xiang said grimly. "Your math is off by one qi crystal. That's punishable by spontaneous combustion or… community service."
I perked up. "Community service sounds great! Love service! Big fan of community!"
He raised an eyebrow. "You'll be in charge of scrubbing the blood fountains. With your spiritual core. For three weeks."
"…Can I reconsider combustion?"
"Nope! Now, begin!" The Trial Begins
So there I was, in an apron again—but this time scrubbing demon goo off a cursed gargoyle while a hundred tax demons judged my every move.
"Scrub harder," one hissed. "You missed a bloodstain shaped like your debt."
Yue passed by with a smoothie."Having fun, Treasurer?"
I gave her the look of a man who had fought gods, demons, and dumpling explosions… and still lost to a spreadsheet...
The Demon King popped his head out of the fountain like a cursed rubber duck. "Did you file the Sect's magical goat depreciation form?"
"…Goat what?!" Finally... End of Day Three
Covered in mystical slime, spiritually bankrupt, and emotionally taxed (pun very much intended), I dragged myself back to my cave.
I found a note taped to my door:
> Congratulations! You have been promoted to Sect Budget Strategist.
Perks include:
Extra dumplings on Dao-days
Limited immunity from Soup Dumpling Explosions
A demon accountant intern (named Faofao)
I stared at it. Then screamed into the abyss... I Tried to Escape... and Got Promoted Again... Is this my new reincarnated life, now..?
It was midnight. The blood moons were out.
The Nightshade Demon Sect was asleep. Or pretending to be. You never know with demon cultivators—half of them sleep hanging upside-down like spiritual bats.
Me? I was tiptoeing through the eastern gate with a sack full of dumplings and a dream.
Yes....
I, Long Fei Jian—once Supreme Lord of the Four Realms, now Vice-Disciplinary-Snack-Whatever—was making my escape.
Back to my own sect. Back to normal cultivation. Back to sanity....
"No more spiritual chicken riots. No more accounting demons. No more chili dumplings of doom!" I had made it halfway down Demon Spine Hill when—
"Leaving so soon?" I froze. that voice, how I hate hearing it anytime I try to escape...
Yue stepped out from behind a tree, holding two skewers of grilled demon mushrooms and a mug of... something bubbling ominously.
She raised an eyebrow. "You trying to ghost the Nightshade Demon Sect like a bad Tinder match?" I tried to lie. I really did.
"…I was just… uh… doing a late-night sprint drill! For… leg muscle development!"
She took a bite of her mushroom. "Sure. That's why you're holding a sack labeled 'Emergency Getaway Snacks.'"
Damn it....
I sighed and dropped the sack. "Okay. Look. I just want to go back to my old sect. Finish my cultivation. Maybe find a less cursed environment. Maybe eat dumplings that don't explode."
Yue smiled sweetly. "Oh, of course you can leave."
"…Really?"
"Yup! Just defeat our Demon god in one-on-one combat."
I squinted. "You did not just Uno Reverse me with demon bureaucracy."
"Rules are rules," she said cheerfully. I glanced at my still-regrowing spiritual core.
I remembered the Demon god bench pressing a flaming boulder with one pinky.
"…Fine," I sighed. "I'll stay." Later That Day… A Party? Another freaking party....
The next morning, I found myself back in the great hall. There was a banner.
It read: "THANK YOU LONG FEI JIAN, YOU CRAZY DUMPLING BASTARD!"
Yue grinned. "The Demon god, and Demon King wanted to throw you a party. Did not you help us win a music war against the Heavenly Sect."
"But that has been celebrated already!" I said with a growl.
The Demon King high-fived me with enough force to realign my spine. "You're a damn inspiration! I cried when the bass dropped!"
"I think I ruptured a qi meridian during the chorus," the Demon god added, sipping spiritual punch.
Tables were overflowing with food. Spiritual dishes. Fire tofu. Phoenix leg nuggets. And yes… Dumplings.
So many dumplings. I eyed them cautiously. "Are these… stable?"
Yue shrugged. "Only one in five explodes now. Big improvement!"
---
Promotion. Again. Seriously?!
Halfway through the party, the Demon god stood up, swaying slightly from too much fire-punch.
He raised a goblet. "Long Fei Jian! You've done more for this sect's street cred than any demon in centuries."
I grinned awkwardly. "Uh… thanks?"
"That's why, effective immediately, I'm promoting you!" Oh no. Again...?
"FUCK YOUR FREAKING PROMOTIONS..!" I screamed inwardly. Then..
"To what?"He bellowed:
"You are now the Nightshade Demon Sect's Official Ambassador of Chaos and Cultural Exchange!"
Applause. Dumplings flew through the air like confetti.
One exploded in midair and lit someone's beard on fire.
I stood there. Covered in spiritual glitter. Feeling trapped forever.
And now apparently in charge of diplomacy.
I turned to Yue. "Does this job come with danger pay?"
She handed me a flaming cocktail. "Nope. But it comes with a pet spiritual goat."
Well, I met my spiritual goat. It hates me. And also might be the reincarnation of a grumpy sword saint.
The next morning, I woke up in my new "official" quarters—an extravagant room carved out of the largest obsidian tree in the entire Nightshade Demon Sect. The bed was made of what I can only assume were demon feathers, soft yet firm in that "you can sleep for ten years and still wake up feeling like you've been spiritually reincarnated" way.
And there, standing at the foot of my bed, was my new pet: the spiritual goat. It glared at me.
Not in a cute, "Oh, I'm a bit cranky but I'll warm up to you" way.
No. This goat's eyes were the color of cursed jade and filled with a deep, unwavering contempt.
"Morning, buddy," I said, attempting my most cheerful tone. "So, uh, I guess we're gonna be pals now?"
The goat snorted loudly and stomped one hoof. The sound echoed ominously through the chamber.
"Yeah, that's what I thought too," I muttered, rubbing my forehead. "Did I mention how much I love politics?"
As if sensing my despair, the goat took one deliberate step forward, locked eyes with me, and then... butted me straight off the bed.
I hit the floor with a thud that shook my bones and made my hair stand on end.
The goat snorted again. This time, I could almost swear it was laughing at me.
"That's it," I groaned, pulling myself up. "You're definitely the reincarnation of a grumpy sword saint. There's no other explanation for this level of disdain." It flicked its tail dismissively.
I sighed. "Alright, alright. I'll feed you. But don't expect me to do anything too heroic. I'm still in the middle of dodging being crowned Ambassador of Chaos and Cultural Exchange." The goat took another step forward, but this time, it lowered its head like it was about to charge.
I held my ground. "Come on, I'm trying to make a good first impression here!" It didn't care. The goat charged.
I barely had time to activate my defensive qi before the goat's horns collided with my stomach, sending me flying into the air. I twisted mid-flight, landed on my feet, and skidded backward into the wall with enough force to create a noticeable dent.
The goat? It was already nibbling on the corner of the ceremonial banner from last night.
I slowly got up and dusted myself off. "Great. Just… great."