Malthus charged at us like a truck with legs.
Me and Sexis did the same. (Not the truck part.)
The Heroes were behind me, holding their weapons and their will to live. No one backed away.
It was do and die now.
Wait.
Die or die.
…Shit. Screw it.
It was either death or win now.
I had the basics of swordsmanship thanks to a Skill and I intended to use it like my life depended on it. Because it was.
Malthus swung his massive sword at my head.
I ducked.
Then lunged forward, slicing both my blades across his right leg like I was shaving a demon ham.
I didn't stop to look if I did any damage or not and arrived behind Malthus.
Malthus instantly jerked behind, already ready to attack me again.
Dude was too fast for a guy built like a war elephant. And could he maybe try attacking someone else? Sharing is caring.
Anyway, I couldn't let my guard down. Even my internal monologue had less sarcasm now. That's how serious I was.
Malthus raised his oversized sword above his head. I readied myself to roll through his legs like a circus act gone wrong—
Then I heard it.
ZRIINNGG!
A sound like a chainsaw.
Like a possessed blender.
Like a lawnmower from space.
Like…
A Menace.
The sound came from behind Malthus—and it made the red bastard pause mid-attack.
My chance.
I dove under him, rolled to a stop between his massive armored legs.
Above me…
The forbidden fruit.
His demonic balls. Caged behind enchanted armor. But I wasn't here for mercy.
With both swords, I stabbed upward like a pervert with a death wish—one blade for each orb of evil.
I awaited the dreadful cry of pain but…
Fucking hell it never came.
I understand he can't become a father but he must have tools for becoming one. He should surely feel pain there, right?
I pulled my blades out and rolled away in confusion and deep personal betrayal. Then I saw it—
The Menace.
Right in front of Malthus' face: A spinning, shrieking, sword-covered silhouette. A humanoid beyblade.
The gusts of winds coming out of it rose dust from the ground, creating a miniature cyclone.
But what surprised me the most was…
Malthus was struggling.
He couldn't open his eyes.
He couldn't move forward.
He couldn't see.
All the Heroes around me stared in awe as the tornado-man kept buzzing in front of the demon's face.
One question arose in my mind…
Who the fuck was that?!
The Heroes and I were on the ground so I did some one plus one and it took me a whole one second to guess who the spinner was…
The Alien King—Sexis.
Earlier, he had grown ten arms and each of them had a sword on them.
Honestly, this was the best use of the hands he could have come up with. Other than fingering ten women at the same time of course.
Sexis buzzed in place. Only a shadowy blur to the naked eye. Malthus backed up like he just found a bee in his bathroom.
We were winning.
Somehow.
"You got this, Sexis! Keep going!" I shouted. "Spin like hell!"
"He… he…" he replied.
"Yes! He's in trouble! You're breaking him down!"
"No. I mean—he… he—"
"He's terrified, yes! You're a monster!"
"You dickhead! I'm saying HELP ME! I CAN'T STOP SPINNING!"
…
Me and the Heroes exchanged glances.
"Oh."
That's all I said.
"Don't oh me! Stop me. Do something. My brain will turn into mush. And I hate washing machines!"
"That's what you get by hating washing machines. Now you have become one. Feel their pain."
"Are you serious right now?"
"Of course not."
"Then get serious. I will die!"
"Why did you start spinning in the first place if you have no control over it?"
"I thought I had control. But I don't. I like to explore the world but not this passionately!"
Sexis' face was a blur. His voice echoed like a dying microwave. His spinning speed only increased.
If I wrapped him in cotton and stuck him on a stick, I'd have alien cotton candy. (Business idea. Remind me later.)
Anyway, I have to handle Sexis.
"Why do you want to stop? Go a little more and you will slash his eyes. You will make him blind. Then we will win easily."
"What if I die before that?"
"Then.. Well, rest in peace. I guess."
"Stop joking. Get serious."
"I was serious this time."
"You… your attitude is rotten, my human Racis friend."
"It's you whose attitude is rotten, my alien Sexis friend. You are doing good. You are making this monster struggle. That's a feat. You can't go back now. You have the victory in your hands and you want to throw it away? Talk about pathetic. If I were you, I would have made sure this man becomes blind and gets out of this planet. Grow a spine, Alien King."
I gave a speech.
My heroes heard that and.. well,
CLAP!
They began clapping.
But the important one was Sexis.
He should get motivated.
He also heard me.
"My human Racis friend," He said.
I waited.
Eventually, he continued :
"Thank you for showing me the path. I will only stop after making him blind. That's my promise."
Yes.
"That's the spirit. Do it. Spin more. Spin like hell. Spin like the stripper you are. Spin like the stripper who refused to sleep with me because I was ten dollars short. Wait. Forget the last part. You just spin!"
"Yes. I will spin. I will spin like there's no tomorrow. I will spin like-Ugh.."
Sexis made a weird sound.
I frowned.
"What happened?"
His spinning speed was slowing down.
"No! Why are you getting slow?"
"I think.. I think.."
Sexis groaned and before I knew it, he completely slowed down.
He remained in front of Malthus' face and now that he wasn't spinning anymore, Malthus finally opened his eyes.
His bloodshot glare met Sexis but Sexis was acting funny.
He was still hovering in front of Malthus but he had one hand over his stomach. He was quivering.
But Malthus didn't care.
"That was so fucking ann—"
"Voughhh!!"
My eyes bulged.
The Heroes gasped.
Malthus flinched.
Malthus couldn't finish his sentence because Sexis…
He vomited on the red demon's face.
"Angghhhh!!"
Malthus shrieked. His eyes slammed shut as the green gooey alien barf oozed into every orifice.
Meanwhile, Sexis floated down to me, wiping his mouth like a drunk uncle after a rollercoaster.
"My human Racis friend…" he said, noble as hell.
We stared.
Then he declared:
"Just like you said—I made him blind."