"Look upon them, and know they look to you for guidance. Look upon them, and know they see in you a symbol of strength. Look upon them, and know you are their beacon of hope."
— Commissar Alphones, "To Live in Humility: A Commissar's Manual"
"It is unclear how the elimination of that Agitator will impact the resistance in the future." I said and listed the multitude of events I went through the last three days. "She was quite elusive till her escorts stepped into my trap."
I looked at Sabine, who dwarfed the chair she stood next to. I craned my neck up to look into her face, then stepped away from the bulletin board to lay hastily written notes on her desk.
"This is informal, but I hope it suffices till I am able to formulate a proper report for your colleagues with the Commissars of the Internal Police Forces."
My eyes grew heavy and I rubbed them again. I took out the bottle of caffeine pills once more and treated myself to an hour or two of barely functional consciousness. Sabine frowned at the Bulletin board as if it hoarded secrets I haven't told her. Hastily searched and edited Images from my chest camera, telling the tale of my ventures.
"Yes, it will quite suffice, Sergeant," Sabine said after fixing her predatory eyes on me. "I pray you're aware of the potential consequences of your continued refusal."
"I know Commissar."
I looked down at my feet. I felt awfully pathetic with Sinne guarding the door outside. Sabine looked down at the floor and sighed and took off her heat.
"You know Kyle, the moment the crisis with the Sub-Cities passes we will have no further excuses to pair recommendation letters with refusal rights. We can't keep operatives in the Internal police forces when there is no threat; surveillance and espionage are tools only wielded in necessity. They are not leisures."
"I–I know, Commissar."
My voice was heavier, my vision blurry. The sounds of water could be heard outside as raindrops fell down. Sabine fixed her cap again.
"I take it you're aware that the Directorate values consent as much as worth. The moment one outweighs the other, the equation changes."
"I…I know, Commissar."
She stepped past her chair and strolled through the room to tower over me.
"What is it you want Sergeant?"
For a moment reality faded. What do I want? I felt pressure on my left eye, and as I blinked again I was at the bar with Nick and Kira to my right.
"Feel like buying another round?" He said with a gesture at his empty bottle.
Kira slapped her elbow against his.
"Don't settle for beer if he buys you one." The Ice cube in her whiskey twirled as she gently shook her glass. "Get something high quality if it's his dime."
A laugh erupted from my left; Ibuki and Lynn smiled at me as well.
"Don't let them bully you!" Ibuki said, pointing his finger at me like in an accusation. "I treat you right, so how about you treat me?"
"Smooth one," Lynn said, leaning back and shaking her half-full bottle. "I'm good, don't worry I won't burn a hole in your pocket."
What do I want?
It was loud regardless of the earplugs dampening. Lynn and I were target shooting. It was ridiculous how fast she was racking her score up at the seventy-five-meter range. I would call it inhumane if I hadn't seen Sinne's scores before. In the end, Lynn earned two-thirds more than me. She rose up and tore the goggles from her eyes.
"I hate lying on my stomach so long. My arms feel sore."
I rose to my feet as well.
"Don't give anyone dumb ideas, those are almost Meldier scores," I said; she was no way near as precise as Sinne, but she was hitting that level fast.
"Barely any of those would have been kill shots," Lynn said, stretching out her arms. "And they would be wearing Kevlars and shooting back."
"I get ya," I said as the question continued to ring inside my head.
What do I want?
"Stay away from my daughter!"
I got slammed against the wall with his hand firmly on my collar.
"Do you even know what you're doing? Some of those you killed were innocent. They had families!"
I got punched and my goggles cracked.
"Answer me dammit, don't just take it in silence."
He reached for my scarf and yanked it. I tried to stop it before it could leave my face by yanking him towards me. At the same time I kicked his leg away and beat him to the ground.
"No face!" I shouted like some child as this shameful memory faded.
What do I want? I screamed internally. Rained poured down from the sky. I've clashed again with Sinne, and Lynn had to drag her back to the clinic. Where she was held. She was in an especially sore mood when I push her to hard…
My arms and feet grew heavy as the fabric soaked with water. I stood beneath overhead cover and lit a lame stick. I lighted it and inhaled, grateful for the short moment of tranquility where the world decelerated, the noises died down, and barely anything mattered but the smoke. The back of my neck burned as I noticed the predatory gaze of vacant sanity.
Someone, something, was approaching fast. I saw the white, gray, and black military uniform of the Directorate as I turned. She had two knives; at first, I'd thought that Sinne had come back for vengeance, that she would take my miserable life like she had threatened to do. Too many times already.
She aimed two swift swipes for me which I barely managed to evade. My attacker was blindingly fast; a fury of blows erupted as I frantically tried to swat her away or sidestep them. I was fading, fast. She switched to a reverse grip and clobbered me, aiming for my arms, my shoulder. My muscles screamed in protest as they struggled to hold back her attacks until I didn't feel anything anymore. My arms and legs moved in a familiar defense pattern.
My vision suddenly began to spun as I flew above the ground. Did I lose my head? Was the only thought I had.
The taste of copper and iron stuck hard in my throat when I landed..
Come on! What do you want? This can't be it! I shouted and hoped the vision would end.
"I–!" Peanut brown hair in a ponytail flickered across my sight.
"I–!"
Anything! Anything would do! Say something damn you! What do you want!
I was shaking. My hands were opened and closed, looking for something which was not there. My shoulders slumped, pathetic.
"I fail to remember that a man is behind that hood of yours." I felt my head got pressed against something rock solid, only cushioned by the moderate layer of fabric.