Chapter 18.5 - Angel with Horns, Devil with a Halo
"D-don't I... like... you k-know... deserve a r-reward then?"
My voice quivered and trembled with every syllable that left my lips.
We hadn't been a couple for very long, but ever since I had kissed him on the cheek, I wanted to know what the real thing feels like. How it would feel to lean into him and press my lips onto his.
Since this was the first relationship for both of us, we decided to take it at our own pace. A momentum and steady progress we both felt comfortable with, which was one of the reasons why I felt hesitant about asking him outright.
Was I going too fast?
Asking for too much?
We hadn't even had our first date yet.
Sure, we went out a lot, even before we became a couple, but we never met up and called it 'date'.
Did this matter?
Wasn't it just a label people used to explain them meeting up with their significant other?
"Mhh... I guess you do."
Kiyotaka glanced at me, as if he knew what I tried to accomplish.
Maybe I hadn't been the only one who wanted us to kiss. He might have felt just as afraid to voice his desire, anxious about my potential answer. The two of us might have felt the exam same thing without voicing our hopes.
"R-right?"
With the acceleration of my heartbeat, my whole body temperature increased as I stared into these mesmerizing, brilliant, golden eyes that he called his own. They drew me in like a siren's song, like a moth to a bright, smoldering flame and threatened to devour my sanity with their irresistible, alluring charm.
Since he said that I deserved a reward, then it should be fine, right?
Even if we did some things out of order, as long as we were both happy running off-course with each other, nothing else mattered. Both he and I wanted to embrace each other. We wanted to feel loved and cherished by our most valued person.
If we were both yearning for this type of contact, then it was fine, wasn't it?
We didn't rush into anything, but in this moment, during this time, in his room, it felt appropriate.
I closed my eyes and leaned forward.
A myriad of questions and fears spun around in my mind, but I couldn't concentrate on or answer even a single one of them. There was so much going on in my mind that it was nothing but overwhelming.
After a moment, I felt his warm breath brush against my skin and tipped my head to the right.
I didn't know why, but it just felt natural in that moment. It wasn't a deliberate action, but more so a reflex that lay dormant inside me ever since I was born and had awakened now.
His pleasant, comfortable breath carried the scent of green tea, which should have been similar to my own. My face changed into a deeper shade of crimson as his lips drew closer towards mine.
Even though my eyes were shut, I could tell that we were gradually closing in on each other.
I couldn't hear anything but my own heartbeat, which drummed against my chest faster than ever before. The time I had confessed to him behind the gym, or when he replied to my confession on the rooftop, couldn't even compare to my current awareness and sensitivity about everything that happened.
The never-ending flow of time came to a sudden halt as a vivid warmth spread through my whole body. Our lips nuzzled into each other as if they had always belonged together.
The calm, somewhat excited flutters that had slumbered deep in my heart erupted into a firework of emotions.
My knees and arms, which I used to support myself on his bed, began to weaken and trembled like jelly as our senses, passions and affections entwined into one.
It was hard to focus on anything but the sheer softness of his lips or how this simple action invaded and overwhelmed all of my senses. This feeling when our lips touched and pressed onto each other was addicting and impossible to forget or describe with words.
This moment felt like a dream, a long-lost sensation that had reawakened and devoured me whole.
Kiyotaka gently pulled his lips back, and the flow of time resumed.
His blazing, golden orbs were the first thing my eyes caught sight of as they fluttered open.
Remembering what had just transpired, I averted my gaze.
I couldn't lock eyes with him right now, or these two exceptional spheres of pure beauty would have turned my world upside down even more than they had already done. My whole body burned up and nothing but my own overwhelming heartbeat reverberated through my ear-canal.
Kiyotaka's rough yet gentle hands reached towards my chin.
He raised my head, forcing me to look back into his hypnotic orbs that were impossible to escape, even if I wanted to. Without a warning, or prior indication, he leaned closer once again.
Once again, the flutters in my heart intensified.
"You are seriously too cute..."
My heart began to crave his affection even more than before as our lips embraced each other for the second time. His gentle yet strong desire to feel my lips again was nothing short of mesmerizing.
This moment was truly...
... better than a dream.
Phew... you can do this.
Today was just a normal day, just like any other day as well. I've prepared extensively for this moment after waking up from the best sleep I've had in years or ever. All I had to do now was take the plunge, remember everything I had mapped out and act according to my instructions.
After staring at the room labeled '1-D' for what felt like several hours, I mustered up all my courage and slid open the door. The first person my eyes focused on sat at the far end of the room, next to the window.
Despite all my preparations, my heart grew restless after remembering what the two of us had done yesterday. Without even stepping into the room, my plans crumbled and collapsed into the deepest, darkest void while my body temperature increased yet again.
While I tried my hardest to calm down my strained nerves and save us both a lot of trouble in the process, a female classmate of mine called out to me with her usual quiet and timid voice.
"G-good morning, Matsushita-san."
"G-good morning, Sakura-san. Once again, thank you for yesterday. You helped us out a lot."
I stumbled over my words since I was occupied with hiding my turbulent thoughts, the embarrassment and the fear that the girls would figure out what happened yesterday evening.
Contrary to the last time, I could anticipate how the class might react to this situation and decided that it would be best for both of us to keep quiet about yesterday. Knowing Kiyotaka, he wouldn't tell anyone that we had kissed because it would be troublesome.
"A-ah... n-no it's not like I did a-anything really so..."
She was still shy, nervous, and uncomfortable around pretty much everyone in our class, so her reaction came as no surprise. I hoped that she could grow out of her shell in front of people, since she had such a beautiful smile when she was happy.
With some time and the proper support, she could surely find happiness in this school, just like I did.
It wasn't easy to show her that she could be more relaxed around us, so I raised my hands to receive a high-five from my classmate with a bright smile on my face.
Since she was quite modest and inconspicuous, only a few students in our class had taken note of her, even though we had been attending this school for over two months now. The worst part was that the ones who observed her only did so because of her opulent bust size.
Sakura-san shrunk back and hesitated for a moment, before reciprocating my gesture with a shy smile.
"Yay!"
"Y-yay..."
I guess we'll have to practice that another time...
After waving her goodbye, I strolled towards my own seat with an ever-accelerating heartbeat.
Usually, I would have greeted Kiyotaka by now, but my heart wouldn't be able to handle this much pressure today, which is why I had decided to walk straight to my desk without turning around to him. This would be the best course of action for my nerves and his quiet morning.
I took one step past the usual spot where I called out to him with a beaming smile on my face.
Mmm... I want to look at him!
And I want to greet him!
Defeated before I even began my fight, I peered towards my handsome boyfriend, who glanced around the classroom with his usual bored expression. He must have noticed my glance, because he raised his head and gazed at me with his shimmering, golden orbs.
Oh. My. God! Why is he so handsome?!
"Good morning, K-kiyotaka!"
"Good morning... Chiaki?"
No, no, no, no...
If even he noticed that I was behaving out of character, then...
I spun around and peered at Karuizawa-san and Satou-san, who had already pierced me with their suspicious looks before I had even said anything to Kiyotaka. Kushida-san as well, observed me with a curious expression before wandering towards my desk at a slow pace.
No...
With a lowered head and thoroughly defeated expression, I trudged towards my seat and dropped my bag. Before I could sit down or pull my chair back, all three of them huddled around me like a pack of wolves, waiting for their prey.
"Nene, Matsushita-san... what was that about, huh?"
"Yeah, what was up with that weird greeting, hmm?"
"Did something happen after Sakura-san and I left yesterday...?"
Kushida-san tilted her head with an innocent expression, which prompted both of my other classmates to stare at me with wide eyes that were colored in disbelief. Another string of ruthless words left Karuizawa-san's lips before I could even blush.
"Heee? Now you have to tell us what happened, you know?"
Satou-san nodded, supporting her friend.
I could only curse myself for not having such a perfect poker face like Kiyotaka during times like these, since I could feel warmth surging through my whole body after their relentless barrage of questions.
"N-nothing happened..."
Neither of them believed me, for obvious reason, as bright, teasing smiles formed on their faces.
"Nothing, huh? Then why are you blushing so furiously, Matsushita~san?"
The last time they had found out about something gossip-worthy was when Kiyotaka and I became a couple. They didn't leave him alone because I couldn't stay silent. I probably won't be able to lie myself out of this, but I should at least make sure that they leave Kiyotaka alone.
But maybe I'll just try once more...
"R-really... N-nothing happened... at a-all..."
Gosh, this was getting worse by the second...
I interlaced my arms and glanced away to prove my point, hoping that they would somehow believe my ridiculous claim.
The girls glanced at each other before nodding. After concluding their secret, nonverbal exchange, they turned back and eyed me with their curious gazes.
"Say, Matsushita-san, did you two kiss or something?"
The number of people surrounding my desk had increased, which meant that even more girls had heard Karuizawa-san's exclamation and my, admittedly, obvious reactions towards her question afterwards.
I lowered my head in shame and bent my legs to shrink in size, hoping that it would be enough to vanish from sight. My lips quivered, and I felt as if I was evaporating in a current of molten lava due to how uncomfortable I was in this situation.
"Wait..." Satou mouthed, staring at me with wide eyes. "A-are you serious?"
"P-please leave K-kiyotaka alone about this..."
I hid my head in between my legs and arms before the whole group of girls began to squeal.
"Help her?" Ayanokouji tilted his head as if this had been the most laughable question he had heard all day. "Of course not. The two of us are just going to watch how this scene turns out, no matter what happens to her."
I glanced at his cold, apathetic eyes as a shiver of pure dread ran down my back.
No... not again... I can't go through this again...
My heartbeat reverberated through my ears at such an insane volume that I felt like they might start to bleed any minute. A shrill, loud peeping sound accompanied the drums of my inevitable doom as I grabbed onto my hair.
"No... no... no..."
The light quivers in my fingers and hands turned into devastating trembles that ripped some of my hairs out. This was definitely an action that should have hurt, but my brain failed to register the pain as both my body and mind were numbed by the devils sweet whisper.
I need to get out of here... I can't watch something like this... Not again...
Why now...? Why...?
Just when I began getting a little better...
"Please... Ayanokouji-kun... No... please..." It became much harder to form the words I wanted to convey as my breathing grew labored. "Please... let me go. I don't want to see... I can't... please..."
Before I knew it, my mind flashed back and forth between the rooftop and his room, before I stood back in this alley right beside him. The flashes from the camera didn't stop for a second as the clicking sound kept conditioning me to realize that my naked body was caught on a myriad of pictures, while I could do nothing but smile, nod and act if I enjoyed being humiliated.
His crisp, diabolical voice echoed through the walls of my mind as I lay on his bed with my legs spread apart. The demonic voice kept murmuring and hissing through my ear as the devil's cold hands caressed over the slit between my legs.
"No can do. I still need you, so you stay."
I need to listen... I can't defy him...
"I... understand..."
No one can withstand the devil...
No... no... no...
Stop... please... don't...
It's happening again...
With a cold snap, every single drop of blood in my body vanished.
The devils frigid, rough hands flashed forward and wriggled around my throat like a chain that bound me to him. My vision flickered for a moment and the two of us stood on the desolate, inhospitable rooftop.
His yellow eyes didn't falter or quiver as he increased the pressure of his grip until even the last bit of oxygen was forced out of my lungs. He didn't lose focus or hesitated as I begged for my life like a pathetic insect that was getting tortured.
"Shhh, Kushida."
The devils sweet yet terrifying melody resounded through my final resting place.
I pleaded, tried to scream and struggled through this bone-chilling dance of death, but he didn't care. He kept squeezing my neck with his deathly pale hand until the bones inside began to creak and crack until they eventually crumbled into powder under his heartless, inhuman grasp.
My vision flashed again as I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and watched the scene unfold. The 'Kushida' that had just been killed on the rooftop arose again and turned her broken neck towards me.
"This is all your fault..."
Voices I recognized as my own originated and overlapped in this cold, terrifying darkness that welcomed me after my demise. I couldn't hear anything but my own cries, no matter how far I descended into this endless abyss I had found myself in.
My own being, my sanity and my very light was lost and being devoured by my own conscious.
Was this how it felt like to die?
This was indeed all my fault...
As I realized this truth, two gigantic golden orbs stared at me from the never-ending abyss below.
"I'll see you this evening, then..."
I walked off before he could respond, hiding my bloodstained hands inside the pockets of my blazer.
A violent, dizzy feeling overcame me as I trudged along the busy school grounds.
How nice would it be to just walk home and sleep...?
It should have been wonderful, invigorating, even.
But the lump in my throat wouldn't let me...
Over time, I've gotten quite used to knowing when I was about to puke, which was why I realized that I was about to vomit soon. I wasn't sure how I had managed to keep myself in check before, but I wouldn't be able to hold it until I reached the dorm, much less my room.
There was a cafe near my current location which only a few upperclassmen frequented. With a little luck, no one would notice me heading for the bathrooms the second I walked in. The employee might, but as long as none of the students caught a glimpse of the imperfect Kushida, everything was alright.
With a deep breath, I put on my best mask before I entered the establishment in question.
Just as expected, there were a few second- and third-years sitting with each other, chatting and laughing about their day-to-day. All the chairs around the occupied tables were taken, which meant that the bathroom for the girls should be empty.
I regarded the female employee with a weak nod and ambled into the bathrooms.
After the door shut, I ran into the next best stall and threw up into the toilet before I began to cry. Tears and snot mixed with my half digested meal and swirled around in the bowl. I continued to gag as my bloody hands smeared the white toilet seat while the abhorrent stench of iron and vomit tickled my nose.
My nauseating retching stopped as the bathroom door opened.
I sprang into action and locked the stall before anyone could see this pathetic version of Kushida Kikyou that slumped over the toilet bowl like a corpse and couldn't stop puking because of everything that had happened today.
"Excuse me Miss, are you feeling alright?"
The employee's anxious voice rang through the bathroom as she stood in front of the only closed stall door. She must have worried about me, but I didn't know why.
My mask should have been impeccable...
"I'm... fine... thank you."
I wiped off the stains around my mouth with the back of my hand and leaned against the refreshing, cool wall. It was quite difficult to calm and silence my labored breathing, which was why I hoped that the woman would accept everything I said as fact and leave again.
"It's okay, really. I'm also getting nauseas when I'm on my period." She slipped two packaged pills beneath the stall door. "Here, these usually help me even on the worst days."
I'm not on my period, you stupid cunt.
"Thank you so much." I forced a smile, which would enrich my voice with a positive undertone. "Mine ran out and I seem to have forgotten to buy replacements. And of course, just when I was on my way to purchase the new ones... well..."
A light, understanding laugh escaped the staff member that kept me company behind the door.
"I know days like this just too well, so don't worry. Unfortunately, I have to get back to work, but if you need anything else, please tell me. There are no female customers at the moment, so don't worry about cleaning up. I'll tell any visitors that the toilets are currently out of order."
Just fuck off and leave me alone already.
"Thank you so much... really. I appreciate the kind gesture."
Her ankles cracked as she stood up and footsteps resounded through the room before the door closed. After silence had once again descended, I heaved a deep sigh before slumping against the toilet.
My eyes focused on the blood that had dried on my pale hands as I reached out for the pills. Without even unwrapping them, I dropped them into the bowl and flushed the toilet to get rid of this disgusting stench.
Tears dripped onto my arms as I watched the vomit circling around before it vanished, together with my tears. I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped the dried blood from the seat, the door handle and the ground with trembling fingers.
Maybe I should purchase gloves for the next time as well...?
I didn't hope that there would be a 'next time', of course, but after today, nothing Ayanokouji did would surprise me anymore. It should be the correct decision to be prepared for every eventuality that might occur.
Even though I might look like it sometimes, I wasn't stupid.
I was aware of what my classmate did to me... that he manipulated me the whole time, even after I had escaped that damned rooftop and his room. He realized this as well, yet he had no intention of stopping.
Was it really worth fighting against the inevitable any longer?
Wasn't it just easier to give in to him and feel safe... protected, even?
He didn't need me for today, but he took me with him as a reminder.
His eyes were cold and inhuman, despite the abhorrent things he did to other people. If he had wanted to shut that piece of shit up himself, he wouldn't have hesitated to do so.
I stood and unlocked the stall door before trudging towards the sinks.
The sound of water rippled through the room as I rubbed the blood off my hands.
One minute, five minutes... it didn't matter how much time passed or how much I scrubbed over my fingers.
I still felt dirty.
I could still detect the stench of blood that hovered over me like a warning sign.